MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2024 - GIVING UP

 MONDAY NOVEMBER 25,2024 GIVING UP

This afternoon I’m going to <something>.  I don’t think it is a funeral.  It might be a “Celebration of A Life” service, or a Remembrance service.  What ever it is , the idea is clear- NM is dead and we’re going to have a little service.  

I doubt there will be a casket or an urn.  I have no idea if there will be a clergy person.  I don’t know who is leading this event.

And, I don’t know if I’ll say anything.

*****

NM was a resident that I saw three times a week for my first year-and-one-half st the retirement independent living center. He had poor circulation in his legs and got leg compression morning and evening.  I would wrap the compression pads on his legs, connect them to a device and let them run for 35 minutes. During that time , I cleaned his bathroom and apartment.  I also cooked something for him maybe one evening a week (he would go to the cafeteria the other days). 

He sent me once to the grocery store, I did his laundry maybe six times.  We watched the Superbowl together and the January 6th hearing together.

NM was in the Army in England during World War II.  He could type, so he got a position as a secretary and also taught typing.  He was married and his wife died of cancer.  (I can tell he really loved her and missed her).  He was an artist and had several of his art works on his walls.  He had been an assistant district attorney for the Houston area.  He and his wife didn’t have children.

*****

Yes, he had some health issues - and tried to work things out.  While I was with him, he worked on his diet - in particular to get more fiber (read between the lines).  He made plans to go to the gym and work out (I don’t think he followed through.  He was gregarious and had friends in the Independent Living area.

*****

The retirement organization made advertising brochures.  When NM saw one, he was upset.  “I didn’t get them permission to use my wife’s photo.”  I passed that on to my management, who told me it wasn’t his wife, it was a model in California that do different senior living advertisements.  He kind of apologized to me saying “My eyesight isn’t as good as it used to be.”

*****

I don’t know why and how he ended up in the Nursing Home and Rehabilitation Center.  One day walking down the hall, I saw his name on a door and he was in his room, in his bed watching television. 

He came to the dining room at the facility infrequently.  He seemed to just stay in his room, in his bed.  I know I don’t have all the facts, but, in my opinion, he “gave up”.  

I think that is fairly common (again, my opinion).  My mother told me several times that she was praying for God to “take her home” - she didn’t have much quality of life at age 98.

I can picture NM planning it out.  I can almost hear him say, “I’m going to lay in my bed almost all day, eating my meals in my bed, watching television in my bed.  I’m not going to exercise, I’m going to let my body weaken - and die.

*****

I’ve been reflecting on NM’s death.  It might be “death by boredom” or “just wanting to die”.    

I’ve heard of others basically saying “I just want to die and move on”.  There is a big unknown after death.  While Christians talk of heaven, it seems like the dead will not be raised until Jesus comes back.  There have been some people who have had near death experiences (NDE).  They see a bright light that they believe is Jesus.  

I don’t know what really happens at death.  God is in charge (at least from my viewpoint).  I believe in a merciful and loving God.  We sing and talk of heaven - but we really don’t know.  (Are the streets of heaven paved with gold?) 

Is it okay, to seek death?  Is it okay to “give up”” and wait for death?  

I for one person, think it is alright to look forward to dying.

LOVE WINS

LOVE TRANSFORMS

Karen Anne White, November 25, 2024