Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Doom and Gloom - part II

FEAR!!! ANXIETY!!!  CORONAVIRUS!!!! (Oh No!!!) -  Part II

DOOM / GLOOM / FEAR / IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!!

We started looking at this article from Success.Com yesterday.  Let’s finish it off today!!!
The points are:
-1 Lower your stress
-2 Realize that you are NOT helpless
-3 Be logical and not emotional in the fear
-4 Change from negative WHAT IF to a positive WHAT IF

Let’s finish!!

-5 The obvious - don’t follow the panic!!

Many of you know that I don’t have a television.   That can be a problem for many times. I can’t watch football games, I can’t guess the final Jeopardy question, and I can’t incessantly follow the ups and downs of the coronavirus problem!!  

I do have my computer - and I do get WAY-TOO-MANY notes and comments - most of which I don’t read.  

Keep out of the hype of the media and from your friends!!!

(Did you know the Coronavirus was intentionally developed by Chinese to devastate the American commerce and to weaken the United States so badly we become a backward country?  NO - that is false news - turn it off!!!)

-6 Differentiate between possible and probable

It is possible that this virus will kill but 50 people in the entire world in the next six months.  (That might be “possible” but not probable).  

If anything is probable, then whatever I do will have little consequence on the outcome.  If I am such a pessimist to believe some of the stories, then, why am I washing hands and keeping a social distance?  

It is possible that Jesus will come back; it is possible that dinosaurs will roam the earth, it is possible that aliens will attack (think “Independence Day”) - but NOT very probable.

-7 Take advantage of this time!!

Most of us have computers and/or electronic devices (and if you don’t, how are you reading this blog anyway?)

Have you ever said “I wish I could spend more time with my family” or “I wish I had time to read the next great novel by <your favorite author>.”, “I wish I could learn German (or Spanish or physics)”.  DO IT!!!!

I have a friend that hands out wooden ‘coins’ that say “TU IT”.  It is a “round to it” - if you get ‘around to it”, you can learn, you can change, you can spend time in prayer or contemplation.  You can spend time with your family - you can get “around to it” will all those things you have been putting off.!!!

******
So, don’t let DOOM and GLOOM get in your way - “Gray skies are going to clear up, put on a happy face” and “So spread sunshine all over the place And put on a happy, happy face”

Hugs to all / love you all / love one another / forgive one another / show mercy!!

Karen

Monday, March 30, 2020

Fear, anxiety, doom and gloom!!! (NO NO NO!!!)

FEAR!!! ANXIETY!!!  CORONAVIRUS!!!! (Oh No!!!)

DOOM / GLOOM / FEAR / IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!!

Okay, turn off the TV.  You have enough doom and gloom.  Today, from Success.com we have seven tips for dealing with your coronavirus anxiety!!!  Let’s get our heads on straight (including mine)

Point #1 Be proactive on lowering your stress level

The suggestion is to LOWER your stress:

“Then, whenever you notice your stress level rise, do something healthy and helpful to reduce that stress. Jump on your bed, go for a walk, put on a favorite tune and dance around, watch a funny video to make you laugh—whatever makes you feel lighter.”

I become a conductor. I put Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite on and conduct the finale. Note there is one note where the tuba comes in before the rest - I make sure the tuba player (on YouTube) is cued appropriately!!  Or I become the tympani player on the finale to Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony!! (Someday I’m going to pound the tympani head so hard I’m going to break through!!) Or lately, the Saint Saens third symphony finale - (the “organ” symphony) - where I have the organ at full stops (volume).  

And, I do go outside for a walk.  

(And, something that I do that I shouldn’t do - is eating.  Peanut butter is my choice!!)

*****
Point #2 Remember you are NOT helpless

The article reminds us of the day that the serviceman has an appointment at your house between 8:00 and noon, and it is now 2:00 p.m. and the person hasn’t shown up yet.  Maybe that is the time to mow the grass, or mop the floor or take the entrance mats outside to really get them clean.  

With the virus, set a timer (on your phone or in the kitchen for an hour) and after than hour vigorously wash your hand (even if you haven’t really touched anything in the past hour).  Yell, “TAKE THAT YOU UGLY VIRUS” as you firmly and enthusiastically pummel your hands in the hand washing!!!  

You are bigger than this lowly virus - you ARE NOT helpless!!!  Take on the world!!! Play a computer game where you can beat the clock.  I’ve been doing the USA Today Crossword Puzzles or playing Kenken. I am a WINNER - not a whiner!!!~

*****
Point #3 Act from a place of logic rather than a place of emotion

Worry / doom and gloom / can devastate us.  “What if we run out of toilet paper?” “What if this goes on for months?” “What if I can’t find a job?” “What if my parents get sick and die?”


WHAT IF statements put doubt, doom, and gloom in our mind.  Stay away from doom and gloom people.  

Aside, I went walking with two friends yesterday and I had brought some lunch.  There was a gentleman in the picnic pavilion who we said “hi” to, and he came over by our table with such doom and gloom stories that put my friends and me in a negative mood.  We DON’T know what will happen with this virus!! I’ve heard things such as when it gets warm, it will kill off this virus. I’ve heard that researchers are working on cures and vaccinations.  The reality is that we don’t know!! I’m going to use logic and not let my emotions get caught up in a “WHAT IF” scenario”.  

Point #4 -  Change your WHAT IFs statements into positive statements

What positives can come from this?  We might learn to be socially stronger, our families might become close again, we might learn our resilience and learn our real strength.  

One positive already in my life - I’ve walked about 42 miles (averaging six miles) of walking in the last week.  I’ve learned not to believe all that you hear!!!  

And, guess what, I can’t change the virus, I can’t change the world, I can only change me - to be even more positive and upbeat!!!  LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!!!

*****

As FDR (Franklin Roosevelt) said: “The only thing to fear is fear itself”.  Don’t fear the WHAT MIGHT happen scenarios. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?

*****
This article had seven points, so more from this article tomorrow!!

Hugs to all / love you all / love one another / forgive one another / show mercy!!

Karen

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Optimism in a time of crisis - part II

Optimism is a time of Crisis - Part II

Our attitude controls our altitude.  Being positive and optimistic overcomes being negative and pessimistic!!!

Let’s look at the rest of this article:

-6 Optimism is good for your heart
The article says:
“Having a positive outlook seemed to be linked to less inflammation and healthier habits, meaning the optimistic patients were more likely to exercise and not smoke, among other factors that could contribute to heart disease.”

-7 Optimism will help you age better 
If all we have is grumbling and angst, we are building a negative wall in our body!!!  Various studies have shown optimistic people do live longer.

-8 Optimism can help you in your job search
The article also adds this:
“As it turns out, the secret to succeeding in your career might just be believing you can. One study showed that while optimists don’t necessarily earn more money than their less optimistic peers, their post-graduate job hunts were less intense, and they were more likely to have been promoted two years after graduation.”

Optimism is really a belief system - I can do it, I can do it, I can get this job, I can get promoted, I can beat cancer, I can be happy!!!

-9 Optimism can help you form healthier habits
Again, studies have shown that optimistic people exercise more, eat better, stick to good habits easier than pessimistic folks.

-10 AND!!  Optimism is contagious!!!
You can catch it!!  (And, catching optimism is a lot better than catching the coronavirus!!!)

From the article:
“Mary Lou Retton once said, “Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” Research has found that people with happy friends are more likely to be happy themselves — an effect dubbed “emotional contagion,” the idea that individual mood and outlook can influence a group. The saying goes that a rising tide lifts all boats, and science would seem to back that up. “

A song from the1940’s:

“You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene”

Don’t give up, keep positive, avoid the doom and gloom that the media is spreading!!   (Can I gloat a bit - at times like this COVID-19/coronavirus, that it is SO good NOT to have television.  I’m pretty sure there are a lot of negative reports.  

Let’s throw in a scripture verse (good for all people):
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

I’m putting positive thoughts in my brain!!!  How about you?

We (the United States, and the World) can beat this virus and come out stronger on the other side.  

Hugs!!

Karen

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Optimism in a time of crisis


Optimism is a time of Crisis

Okay, I understand, we are in an awkward and difficult situation.  The world is sick (with COVID-19 or coronavirus), we’re stuck in quarantine mode, the economy is tanking, and we are pretty much helpful (or so it seems).

So, I thought I would do a couple of days of hope, optimism, coping, attitude adjustment and related topics.

So, today, Optimism!!
*****
How can you be optimistic when your world is falling apart.

I found the linked article and we’ll look at it - 10 reasons to add optimism to your life!!!

-1 Optimism can help you change your life!!
If you are in a rut, you can’t go out, you aren’t working, your retirement account is way down, our minds can join that downward spiral.  Think of good things - think of things you can do to help others - even now!!!  Yesterday I sent encouragement notes to my bridge group and to several of my friends.  I’ve posted funny stuff on Facebook - to put smiles on people’s faces (and my own too!!!) 

The article ends this point with this statement: “If you can believe it, you can achieve it.”.  You person who sees a CAN change your life - you can be the encourager, the optimist, the person who sees a bright tomorrow!!!  Get a vision of health or a prospering economy, of abundance.  Don’t despair, this too shall pass!!!

-2 Optimism can strengthen immunity and defend against stress.

The article says it quite well.  

“Having a positive attitude can help you keep from getting sick, especially when dealing with stress. In one study, researchers found that optimistic people generated more antibodies and were better able to reduce inflammation. In another landmark study, researchers followed a group of law students over time and found that those who were more optimistic had a stronger immune response than those who were more pessimistic. When the same students were feeling less optimistic, their immune response was weaker, showing that our outlooks might influence our body’s ability to respond to illness.”  

Yes, your attitude (and my attitude) can help you from getting sick!!!  

-3 Optimism is good for your relationships.
Various studies point to having an optimist (this is going to get better) in a marriage/relationship really does keep the couple together.  

In this time of a pandemic virus, it is easy to be thinking “doom and gloom”.  Again, this too shall pass.  

In the past, I have described myself as a Pollyanna and as a “disgusting morning person” (that is, one spread too much love and joy for the average person).  That is just optimism oozing out of me!!!

-4 Optimism can help you be an better innovator
If you are trying to make something new (even a better meal), if you mess up, the pessimist says “I never do anything good”, while the optimist says “Well, I learned what not to do on the next try.”  

As an inventor, Edison made 1000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Once a reporter asked. "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" 

Edison replied..."I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."

-5 Optimism can make you a better leader!!
Although it isn’t quite the same, I like motivational quotes:  “An army of rabbits led by a lion will defeat an army of lions led by a rabbit.”  Optimistic leaders say “We can do this!!!  

**********
My friends keep going!!!  Let’s sing the old civil rights ballad:  We shall overcome:

We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall overcome some day

Deep in my heart, I do believe
That we shall overcome some day

As I wrote before:  “This too shall pass”

More tomorrow on optimism!!

Hugs!!

Karen


Friday, March 27, 2020

Men and Shame


Shaming for Men

For the past few days, I’ve been looking at Brene Brown’s “Daring Great” book!!

I’ve looked at vulnerability - and now to shaming.

A quick review of shame from the book
-1 We all have it.  (Shame - until we are perfect (not on this Earth) we will do something wrong)
-2 We are afraid to take of shame
-3 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us.

Yesterday I did her list of shaming for women.  We are to be “Wonder Woman” - perfect in every way.  Today, let’s see what she says about “shaming for men”!!

-1 Shame is failure.  
Any place - at work, at the gym, in your marriage, in bed (** I definitely sense shame here, sorry Connie), In money.  With our children!
*****
I agonized over a lot of things.  Like too many men, work came first.  With the end of the semester student evaluations, I’d have thirty glowing comments and one negative one - and I would fret over that one negative one.  I was a failure. I could have 99% positive comments, but that last 1% would ‘shame’ me.  (Was I too picky?  If I was the man in the arena, I should continue my own life as I saw fit.

-2 Shame is BEING wrong - not just doing it wrong, but totally wrong.  
Men don’t (or can’t) separate the label of shame to one act (or class) from your whole being!!
*****
-3 Shame is a sense of being defective
*****
Men latch onto the concept that they are defective - and that can settle into their innermost being!!!   Like women, we are total failures.  It is hard to think of the “Man in the Arena” when critics (or even just one little negative comment) hit the target!!

-4 Shame happens when people think you’re soft.  It is degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough

-5 Revealing any weakness is shaming.  

-6 Our worst fear is being criticized or ridiculed - either one of these is extremely shaming. 

*****
Men are to be strong.  Brown says “Like the demands on women to be naturally beautiful, think and perfect at everything, especially motherhood, [men are trapped in a box -a shipping crate] - that has rules that tell men what they should and shouldn’t do and who they are allowed to be.  But for even rule comes back to the same mandate - Don’t be weak.”
Like the statement to women, “Don’t let them see you sweat”, to men, that phrase is “don’t let them see you weak or vulnerable.”

Okay, a personal story.  

I hated (and I don’t allow myself to hate) when my wife needed to call a service person for a little thing around the house.  “Bob” was the friendly (great) handyman.  A door didn’t quite shut right?  Call Bob!!  “I want a new shower head” - Call Bob.  The gate to the back yard is falling over - Call Bob.  (and … many more things).  The message was so obvious to me (and so hidden to her).  I was weak, I couldn’t do it.  I had no value.  Bob was the hero on the white horse on the platform, and I was the dunce sweeping the street under the monument (and not doing it very well I guess).  After my major surgery, I was ‘weak’ - both physically - and mentally.  That was shame and hurt so deeply.  And, I think (know) that that led to my shaming of my wife.

My past victories were wiped away since I now was a weak person.  

*****
Men - you have to rise above this.  Even if your spouse doesn’t appreciate you - at this moment in your life and marriage - you need to remember those times when she did.  You need to picture the wedding, the honeymoon, the holding (and tears of joy) of your first child (and your second and all); of your first (and second and all) grandchild.  

Men - rejection is extremely painful.  

Let’s finish today with a long quote from Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from the offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.”
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them.”
“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed - and rare”

And, finally a historical story - from Aesop’s Fables:
“A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”
“So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
“So the Man ordered his Boy to get off and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”
“Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. “The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”
“The Man and Boy got off and tried to think about what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle, the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.
“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:
“Please all, and you will please none.”

Men - Women - when we are “In the Arena” - we can take input and advice, but ultimately we have to be ourselves, be vulnerable, and be courageous.  We need to fight shame and become ‘real’!!

Hugs

Karen

(This one hurt - I’m sorry to be so vulnerable and open)


Thursday, March 26, 2020

Women and Shame


Women and Shame (From Daring Greatly)

Okay, I’m enthralled by Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly.  I’ve talked of the “Man in the Arena” - the one that does the job.  Not the critics, not the naysayers, not the onlookers - but that one that is a pretty easy target (like being President).

Before she gets to Vulnerability, she talks about ‘shame’.  Today I want to look at shame and women, then tomorrow to look at shame and men.

So, here we go

Women and Shame:
-1 We need to love perfect.  We need to do perfect.  We need to be perfect!!  Anything less than perfect is not enough.  

Comment to men - when your wife makes dinner and asks “How is it”, she really doesn’t want your critique.  She wants to be perfect in your eyes and anything less is ‘shaming her’.  

-2 Being judged by other mothers
You are not the same mother they are, or your mother was.  You are the mother in the grocery store trying to keep your five-year-old from sneaking candy or sugary cereal into the cart while trying to balance the budget and make nutritious meals.  Meanwhile, your baby starts to cry - for unknown reasons - and you are trying to quiet her.  And, on the edge of your vision you see mothers (and others) around you going “Tsk, Tsk - too bad she can’t control her children”.  

She is the woman in the arena at that point.  She is trying to cope with two kids in a grocery store (why didn’t her husband say he would take the kids so she can shop?).  Moms - you have been there, go over and give her a hug and encourage her!!!

-3 Being exposed
You think you are being judged on everything you do.  At home your husband is going to ask you where his missing sock is, your son asks where his baseball hat is, your daughter wants you to comb her hair and put in a French braid.

At work, the single women are looking at you - you are wearing the same top you wore last week (poor thing).  And, of course, the men and talking about you behind your back.  Not true, but you are already down and this doesn’t help.

-4 Never enough
Never enough at home; never enough at work; never enough in bed; never enough with his parents; and never enough with your parents.  Shame is ‘never enough”.  

You picture your “perfect” mother saying: “Buckle up, stand tall, you are better than that.  We didn’t raise you to be a slouch.  How come you didn’t clean the shower?  Why is the baby crying?”  (and maybe even “Why can’t you be like your sister?”

Brown identifies twelve shame categories:
-1 Appearance and body image
-2 Money and work
-3 Motherhood/fatherhood
-4 Family
-5 Parenting
-6 Mental and physical health
-7 Addiction
-8 Sex
-9 Aging
-10 Religion
-11 Surviving trauma
-12 Being stereotyped or labeled!!!

I can picture being shamed on any of these things - and compared and found “lacking”.  Let’s take religion just as an example.  “How come you missed church this week?”  or the other way around “You are just too holy, prim and proper - are you a nun?”

Or mental and physical health.  “You’ve gotten soft - you need to lift weights (or do aerobics or Zumba or something else”.  “How come you cry so easily?”

Yes, eventually we have to be vulnerable - but at the time, being shamed is harming us emotionally and even physically!!

Let’s finish by Brown’s three aspects of shame:
-1 We all have it.  (Shame - until we are perfect (not on this Earth) we will do something wrong)
-2 We are afraid to take of shame
-3 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us.

Shame leads us to think “We are not worthy”; “I’m unlovable”, “I don’t belong”.

(I’ve had all of these - and I’m guessing many of you have too!!!)

More tomorrow!!!

Karen