MONDAY, MAY 13, 2024 - DEATH AND DYING I

 MONDAY, MAY 13, 2024 - DEATH AND DYING

In September 2021, I worked part-time at the Wesleyan Home Health Group in Georgetown. It was a shock.  I got an email from Sarah Kissee asking if I was interested in a job. I have a doctor’s degree, but it wasn’t in health care!!!

I interviewed and told Sarah upfront that I was a transgender female (that didn’t seem to bother her).  She offered me a job.  I worked two evenings a week as a “Personal Care Assistant.”  Initially, I worked in an Independent Living facility.  These were two large apartment buildings. I had seven people to visit - five on medicine reminders and two on longer assignments.  The medicine reminders were where the children of a resident decided that their parents needed somebody to remind them to take their medications.  The American health system has most seniors on some kind of medication - maybe for high blood pressure or another issue.  [I’ve been on blood pressure medications for over twenty years].  

I had two others to help.  One resident had leg swelling, and I helped him by wrapping his legs with compression pads - and plugging them in for a half-hour session.  I also helped clean up his apartment - and sometimes do his laundry.  

*****

My other resident was a 94-year-old lady - who didn’t talk much.  Seemingly, she had a mild stroke that affected her speech area.  The previous caregivers watched television with her and then took her to dinner.  It was mostly a companionship thing.  

I don’t watch much television, but she likes to play Gin Rummy.  So, our first hour was playing cards, dinner, and getting her ready for bed.

About a year later, she was moved to the dementia ward (which wasn’t the right place for her). She was talking even less now. In the dementia ward, she saw a checkerboard, and we played checkers. She was a good checker player. I helped her with dinner, cut up her meals, and got her beverages.  

She had been an artist and a MENSA person (high intelligence).  We did crafts and checkers twice a week.  It got such that I had to prompt her to speak.  I would say, “Jack and Jill went up a …” and she would finish it by saying, “Hill.”  Yes, even with her minor stroke, her brain was strong.  We might look at art books (from the library).  

In September 2023, my group was cut out (for financial reasons, I suspect). The two sons of this lady wanted me to continue with her, so I did—but now as an independent contractor, not an employee.  

In October 2023, she was moved to the “rehab and nursing home” building, but I kept meeting her.

At the rehab and nursing home, I would take her to the rehab room, and we did some light exercises.  We walked around the building, looking at the artwork.  I would comment on the art; although she didn’t speak, I could see her paying attention.  We continued the checker games and tried other games (Old Maid, Fish). The crafts became less and less part of our time together.  Eventually, checkers became difficult for her as she might start playing the red checkers, but halfway through a game, she might start playing the black checkers.  (And, impressive enough - she always “won”!!).  

But she has fallen a few times, and her body functions are declining. Her family put her on hospice care in January this year (2024).  I still help her to eat, but now, it is feeding her as she can’t feed herself.  

She has fallen asleep at the table in the last two weeks and has not eaten anything.

In other words, she is dying.  Her systems are slowing down or closing. 

*****

I don’t spend that much time with her.  I visit her four times a week for an hour, but that might be enough.  Most afternoons when I visit, she lies in her bed, eyes open (seemingly not seeing anything) and looking at the wall.  

I have one of the nurses aides help me get her up (and generally dressed - and change her diaper).  I greet her warmly- maybe a little kiss on her forehead and say “I love you” to her.  She doesn’t seem to listen.  With the aide, we slide her legs to the edge and pull her up.  She would have liked to stand up a month ago, but now her legs seem to have atrophied.  Together we put her in her wheelchair.  I take her for a walk around the floor.  I talk to her, maybe even sing to her.  I took her to the enclosed courtyard to see the flowers.  I comment on the flowers - maybe saying what variety the flowers are. (no response).

Eventually, we ended up in the cafeteria. There are maybe 40 others there getting their meals. Maybe six or seven are having aides help them eat, and I do the same. Two months ago, we started with the ice cream first (which she loves). The menu hasn’t changed much—a main plate (with potatoes, some pureed meat, and pureed vegetables). She might have soup, a dessert (pudding), and maybe a drink like Ensure or Chocolate milk.  

But now, her head is down, her chin on her chest, and her eyes closed. She doesn’t seem to hear me. (She does have hearing aids, but that doesn’t register.)

I try to put a little ice cream into her mouth.  I might get it in, but it will come out as a drool in the next few minutes.  

I try to get something into her mouth and help her swallow, but that hasn't happened on the last two visits.

*****

Yes, she is dying.

She is 97, so logically, she is allowed to die a natural death.  That function is ending since she hasn’t spoken to me for months.  I’ve tried directions like ‘nod your head if you want ice cream’ - but that falls on deaf ears.  

*****

I wasn’t around for my parent’s deaths.  My sister visited frequently (they were in the same town while I was working some 800 miles away.)

*****

One of the other ladies at this facility died about six months ago. I didn’t see her as much, but I could see the deterioration.

  

I have a fondness (love) for this lady.  I do remember the checker games and other activities.  Now, I see her weakening.  In my heart, I know she will die soon.  I’m not sure if I want to be there - and hold her hand when she dies (she does have a local son and one 4 hours away). 

Yes - death and dying.

I know I am going to die someday.  I guess I’m hoping for a massive heart attack with instant death rather than a slow decline.  But, one doesn’t get to pick one's death that easily.  (Yes, I have thought about suicide five or six years ago when I had major health issues.  But, at this stage I want to live many more years - and “preach” love wins.  

Yes, even with the end of life, LOVE DOES WIN.  

I try to let this sweet lady know that she is loved.

Karen Anne White, ©, May 13, 2024

(More tomorrow)