Toxic People - part III

Toxic People - part III

I’ve been doing a series on toxic people.  Most will come from this article: https://www.lifehack.org/283358/15-ways-clever-people-handle-toxic-people

But, yesterday was a diversion from my own thoughts and beliefs.  So, back to the article today!!

#5 Toxic people trip themselves up

For me, consistency in living is important.  But, it seems from the article that toxic people sometimes weave stories and thus (as the title here) trip themselves up.

The article puts it this way:  “Toxic people will often lie compulsively, not just to others, but to themselves. They will often perform mental gymnastics to convince themselves that their lies are a reality. Unfortunately, lies are actually very hard to keep up. Recounting a true event is relatively easy, but keeping track of a bunch of made-up stories is difficult. Liars end up exposing themselves over time, by contradicting themselves with other lies.”

#6 Toxic people can be quarrelsome

Yes, toxic people can be ‘drama queens’.  They can love to fight and rile up the status quo.  

The article has an interesting comment when toxic people fight “It’s nothing to do with me”.  Can you stay out of the fight? Or, do you need to be in the fight? Tough questions.

Recently I was with some friends (good friends) that disagree with our current President.  Without taking sides, I see toxic people on both sides. In this case, maybe I can’t stand on the sidelines - but I cannot allow myself to be toxic.  Climate change seems to be a real thing. Yes, I am going to die but I do want to leave this earth a better place. Can I work for change for myself and positive change for the environment without going negative?  How can I “agree to disagree” without pointing fingers?

#7 Toxic people can be bullies

The article suggests standing up to bullies.  “Most decent people will help the helpless, defend the vulnerable and assist those who need it. Toxic people prey on anybody they consider to be weak. It could be somebody who is a little shy, socially awkward, or even somebody who lacks physical prowess. Toxic people will bully and take advantage of anybody who they think won’t stand up to them, which is why it’s so important to stand up to toxic people, not just for yourself, but for others around you”.

How can we stand up for those who can’t defend themselves?  Tough question.

#8 Don’t allow insults get under your skin.

Like #6 (above) toxic people can be quarrelsome.  They might throw out barbs and insults. Let’s face it, the old rhyme “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is really false.  Yes, sticks and stones can hurt, but some toxic person insulting you can really hurt almost as bad. In the past, I wrote about Marty McFly from the “Back to the Future” movie series who would let Biff’s comment about being “Chicken” get under his skin.  Ignoring insults takes time and practice. A toxic person will keep heaping insults upon you - trying to get you to fight or to react. Let them be like water off a duck’s back - and not affect you.

Personal note:  From my blog yesterday, I am even more convinced within myself (and I’m the only one that I can change) that I need to love all around me - the loveable ones, and those that are not loveable (aka toxic people).  Jesus wrote about “turning the other check” - and that is NOT easy. There are times we have to be in the fight, and there are times when we have to walk away.  

Karen

Toxicity and Love - a diversion

Yesterday I started a series on Toxic People.

I will go back to that tomorrow, but today, I wanted to look at toxic people through “rose-colored glasses”.

I haven’t seen or heard the term “rose-colored” glasses for a few years.  Maybe that term has gone out of use. Today, I’m going to use it almost in a faith context.  As I understand and use the term, it is finding the good in a person and overlooking their faults.  

Maybe it is like a parent of a 25-year-old son who has gone astray.  Maybe the son has gotten into drugs or crime. The son has become “toxic”.  But, his mother still sees the man as her son - the son she carried for nine-months during pregnancy - the son whose diapers she changed - the son who played catch with his dad - the son who took mowed the grass - the son who grew up and had potential but somehow lost his way.

Psychologists tell us we can only change one person - ourselves.  We might try to change somebody else, but ultimately, we can only affect our own behaviors, thoughts, and actions.

Lately, I have seen people with mental issues (including myself).  I met a young lady with cut marks up and down her arm from where she has tried to hurt herself.  (And, maybe there are cuts other places on her body as well). I met several who admitted to drug usage - even heroin, cocaine.  There were others like my friends PC and KD who were alcoholics and attempted to kill themselves.  

Some of them could be toxic.  

And … maybe some of us (or maybe most of us) … can be toxic in our own right.  

I don’t have a halo around my head.  I am not always loving and kind. When I am tired, I can get cranky.  When I am in a rush, I might not say “thank you” to the check-out clerk. I might not smile at all I meet.

In my Judeo-Christian heritage, I view that God sees us through “Blood colored glasses”.  My Jewish friends have a rich heritage of ‘blood-colored glasses’ - from that first Passover.  There the blood of the unblemished lamb was painted on the people's doors so that the angel of death might pass over that house without killing the firstborn son.  

Again, my Jewish friends had prescribed blood events - if you sinned, you could bring an animal sacrifice to the priests for atonement.

As a Christian, God still sees me through “Blood Colored glasses” - but in the Christian view, the blood comes from the perfect “lamb”.  As John the Baptist said, “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world”.  

So, how does this fit into toxic people?  As I have been reflecting on toxic people, maybe the best I can do is love them.

I’ve used the quote from Dorothy Day before ““I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.”.  

Jesus summed up the Old Testament law by saying we are to:  “Love the Lord our God with all our heart, all our mind, all your soul and all your strength”  He then followed it with “Love your neighbor as yourself”.

Yes, tomorrow I will go back to what “Lifehack.org” suggests for dealing with Toxic People - but it will be tempered with “blood-colored glasses” and love.  Like most, I might view toxic people as people I can’t possibly love (or in effect - people that I hate) - but if I am trying to live Dorothy Day’s quote about the person I love the least - that takes ‘hate’ out of the equation.  

Several months ago, a person that I play with in one of my music groups wrote this to me “Why don't you take your queer ass to some queer bar and play. You disgust me and we are a family-oriented group.”

Guess what?  I am to love this person - unconditionally in my philosophy.  

For I believe - truly believe - that love does conquer.  “Love one another” - and the only person that can do that is you!!

Hugs!!

Karen 

Toxic People - part 1

Dealing with Toxic people - again

https://www.lifehack.org/283358/15-ways-clever-people-handle-toxic-people

It seems lately that I’ve bumped into people who are dealing with toxic or troublesome people in their life.  So, I thought maybe I could look at what the literature suggests for dealing with toxic people.

#1 Ignore the toxic people

The article suggests that toxic people frequently just want attention.  

The article says: “It usually begins with small actions, interrupting people or talking over them, being unnecessarily loud or obnoxious, or acting out. Usually, if they do not get the attention they crave, their actions become more drastic,starting arguments, throwing a tantrum or acting destructively.”

One friend has a ‘friend’ (?) who calls her frequently, interrupts, asks bothersome questions and is generally obnoxious.  This suggests to just ignore them. Don’t answer the call if it is the toxic person. Make it so they don’t really exist - ignore them.

#2 Toxic people can be gossipers 

Yup!!  “Toxic people will share deep secrets with people just to seem momentarily interesting and they will frequently judge or gossip about people behind their backs. If you meet somebody who does this, do not be fooled into thinking that they are gossiping with you because they like you or trust you. They will just as easily betray your trust. Toxic people will often talk behind someone's back to you in the hopes that they will agree with them. They will then go and tell the other person what you said.”

Gossip - is rarely good.  I like the old adage, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Socrates said it this way “If what you want to say is neither true, nor good or kind, nor useful or necessary, please don't say anything at all.” (although I’m pretty sure he didn’t say that in English!!)

I know there are times I’d love to share some terrible thoughts about another, but I can’t - that is gossip - and that is not good!!!

#3 Spend time with trustworthy and loyal friends.

There are 24 hours in a day - and you sleep for part of that.  So, why spend your valuable time with a toxic person - instead spend your time with your good friends.  

If this is a work situation, try not to spend too much time more than necessarily with the toxic person.  Yes, you have to work with that person, just limit your exposure to the toxicity.

#4 Don’t manipulate people

The article says this:  “Manipulative people will ruin your life. They will callously manipulate your feelings in order to make you act in a certain way to further their goals. Compulsively manipulative people often have few redeemable qualities, so it is worth avoiding them altogether. In order to avoid them, however, you must first recognize the signs of a manipulative person. Do you find yourself constantly feeling strong or unstable emotions when they are around; anger, irritation, sadness, or inadequacy? Do you often question why they might have said something? Do you get the suspicion that you’re being deceived? If so, it is likely that the person is trying to toy with your emotions, and are best avoided.”

Be your own person - don’t let others manipulate you!!  (I find this can be true with political zealots.) I do have my opinions, but I try not to force my opinions on others and I can get irritated when others try to force their opinions on me.

I do feel sorry for toxic people - for gossips, manipulators, for naysayers.  Try to stay positive and take the high road.  

More tomorrow!!

Karen

Ten Minute Improvements - part III (the last)

10 Minutes to improve yourself - part III (the last)

From:  http://success.com/43-ways-to-improve-yourself-in-just-ten-minutes

We have been looking at this for two days - and today will be the last of the series

#29 Learn a new word

Yes, in ten minutes you can learn a new word.  (Of course, to really learn it, you have to repeat throughout the next few days.  If you do this daily, you will learn a plethora of ubiquitous new words in a year.

#30 Learn skills you didn’t learn in school

Try MindTools.com or SUCCESSAcademy.com

#31 Become a Speed Reader

Check out Spreeder.com - which claims” Read 3x Faster, Save Time, and Be More Productive In Life”  - sounds like a fun activity!!

#32 Get Cultural

Go to a museum!  Okay, you probably can’t do that in ten minutes, but you can use the app DailyArt - it will show you a picture and tell you about the artist, the style of art and more.  

#33 Learn a new language

I’ve been using Duolingo to relearn the German that I have forgotten over the years.  And, Duolingo comes in many (many) languages - so maybe you learn Chinese (or … maybe learn some Spanish!!)

#34 Discover your childhood wonder

The article suggests getting the book “The Book of Questions” - which has questions like “Is that rose naked or is that her only dress?”  Maybe you can look out a window and ask “Why is the sky blue?” or “What causes cold fronts?”

#35 Find a coffee buddy

If you are working, grab a friend or a new friend and share a quick cup of coffee.  I think in 10 minutes you can start to go under the surface.

#36 Welcome to the Ivies

(As in the “Ivy League” of colleges) There is free access to hundreds of courses and lectures.  The article suggests: AcademicEarth.org

#37 Use the 60/10 rule

Work hard for 60 minutes, then change gears for 10 minutes to do something for yourself and your mind.  Yes, imagine yourself booking and rebooking passengers on Jet Blue for an hour, then taking ten minutes to turn on a Beethoven piece and look at your DailyArt feed.  (Right KB?)

#38 Scroll smarter

The article suggests checking out Tagboard.com that allows you to search by #hashtags.  I wonder what #texas might bring up!!

#39 Stick to your goals

Are you trying to change a bad habit?  The article suggests using HabitBull that helps keep working on your good habits and forgetting the bad habits.  

#40 Get Bored

The article suggests that actually staring out the window for 10 minutes and doing nothing can refresh your creative side.

#41 Write a letter to your future self

“Hey, 82-year-old Karen.  You sure are beautiful”!!!

#42 Say “NO”

What a concept - take ten minutes to practice saying “no”.  Your time is your most important asset according to the article - learning to say “no” can be a great thing!!

#43 - and the last one - Remember what you want

There is an expression, “When you are knee-deep in alligators, it is easy to forget that your goal was to drain the swamp.”  If you are working as a CPA - with the goal of taking a year off to cruise around the world, maybe ten minutes a day thinking of what you really want is important.  I’m thinking of Citizen Kane (a movie I’ve never seen but touted as one of the best ever movies), where seemingly all the young Kane really wanted was a new sled - called Rosebud!!!

WOW - 43 ways to improve yourself in 10 minutes!!  Some of these I like and will be trying out!!

How about you?  Did any of these hit home?  You can share in the comments!!

Hugs!!

Karn

Ten Minute Improvements #2

!0 Minutes to improve yourself - part II

From Success.com

I got up to 13 ways to improve yourself in just ten minutes, so let’s continue:

#14 - Seek support!!!  

As many of you know, that I hit bottom a month ago.  Since then I have had many give me their phone numbers.  So, I have support at 512-XXX-XX88. (The article mentions 7 Cups of Tea as an anonymous support hotline)

#15 Know yourself

Sometimes we go through life with blinders on.  If we want to improve (in 10 minutes), we need to know who we are.  The article suggests 16 personalities as a place to take a personality inventory

#16 Wake up for the Sunrise

Sometimes God paints the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets.  The article also suggests NOT to take a picture, just add it to your brain memory and enjoy it!!

#17 Listen to Music

I love to listen to music.  I had a playlist of “Upbeat Classical” - with the finale to the Firebird Suite, the finale to Shostakovich's 5th symphony (and I am playing the tympani), and even with the theme to Rocky.  (Maybe I need to add “I am Woman, hear me roar!!!”)

#18 Have a giggle fest

The article suggests watching Funny Cat Videos and others to laugh.

#19 Check in with yourself

Hey - do you (or I) really stop and ask myself, “How am I really doing?”  The article suggests that we all-too-frequently like to magnify problems (like Making Mountains out of Molehills) and not seeing that really we are doing well!!

#20 Check your emotional intelligence

The article suggests ARealMe.com - which says “We design and create original, high quality, fun quizzes, covering personality, knowledge, relationships and more. We hope that through our quizzes you’ll have fun with your friends, learn lots of interesting facts, and even get to know yourself a little better.”

#21 Put down your phone

Yup - if you want to improve yourself in ten minutes, give yourself the gift of ten minutes away from distractions - and most especially your phone!!

(On my little “vacation”, the first day I really missed my phone, on the fourth day, I was happy not to have the disruptions or temptations to check the weather for the twentieth time.)

#22 Practice Gratitude

Scripture says “In everything give thanks for this is the will of God”.  The article suggests “Write down three positive things every single day and take note of your increased mood.”

#23 Spread the love

Yes - spread the love, if we are all made “in the image and likeness of God”, we can love one another.  The article suggests looking at FreeRice.com that has donated more than 96 billion grains of rice to those in need.

#24 Dispel worrisome thoughts!!!

The article suggested using PixelThoughts.co (note - not .com).  Type in a worrisome thought and let it disappear in the cosmos!!

#25 Listen to the classic (books that is)

Listen to FREE audiobooks at LibriVox.org.  I’ve listened to many books at LibriVox (A Tale of Two Cities, Don Quixote, Tarzan, Thomas Hardy and many more.  

#26 Take a break

Take a ten-minute break.  The article suggests some classic games you can play to improve your mood!!

#27 Start a life book

Basically, start a journal - with positive thoughts

#28 Read one chapter!!

Check out “WhatShouldIReadNext.com” for suggestions for your reading.

Now, we are two/thirds of the way through 43 Ways to Improve your life in 10 minutes!!  Some of the ideas are new to me (and probably you). Take some time to browse - and improve yourself!!  I am!!

Tomorrow, we shall finish the list!!!

HUGS!!

Karen Bruce

Apple Card and Gender?

Apple Card - and gender issues?

https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/11/goldman-wants-to-fix-the-apple-card-flaw-that-has-users-claiming-bias.html

Apple Inc - the company with the iPhone, AppleWatch, Mac Computers and more is getting into the credit card business with Goldman Sachs.  

At first blush, one would think - “Hey Apple is moving out of electronics and into finance - that’s good”.  Well, that is good (mostly for the Apple corporation). Apple has made some slight inroads with ApplePay, where you can pay for purchases by flashing your iPhone at a Near Field Communication device (NFC).  With a full-service credit card, that makes money that can be used (especially) on Apple products, that helps make customers “sticky” (that is, make customers want to ‘stick’ with Apple products).  

So, they have made an Apple Credit card with Goldman Sachs - that seemingly has a gender problem.

Goldman Sachs is looking into ways that family members can share a single Apple Card account after a few high-profile users complained that their spouses were discriminated against.

The controversy surfaced over the weekend after a tech entrepreneur tweeted that he got 20 times the credit limit that his wife got, prompting Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak to add that “the same thing happened” to him.

The article states: 

““As with any other individual credit card, your application is evaluated independently,” Williams said in a statement. “We look at an individual’s income and an individual’s creditworthiness, which includes factors like personal credit scores, how much personal debt you have, and how that debt has been managed.”

“That setup makes it “possible for two family members to receive significantly different credit decisions,” Williams said. He added that the bank is actively exploring ways to allow users to share their Apple Card with family members.

“The Apple Card is directly linked to a user’s iPhone, where the application process happens, helping explain the appeal of individual accounts. In some cases, shared accounts could lead to legal disputes over who must repay debts if a couple separates.”

Credit account limits are largely based on a person’s credit score from one of the main credit bureaus.  But, frequently credit reports are based on a man’s spending. Many household accounts are in the name of the husband and the wife - but the man’s name is frequently used as the main determinate.  

So, as Apple (and Goldman Sachs) tried to determine credit limits, the credit reports tended to be more oriented to males.  Thus if a couple got Apple Cards as a couple, the husband might get a credit limit of (say) $20,000 and the wife might get a credit limit of (say) $2,000.  

So, it looks like discrimination or a common problem with credit bureaus based on past gender practices.  In my former household, my wife handled most of the bill paying and financial chores - yet, my guess is in our separate ways, my credit limit might be significantly higher as I had higher earnings throughout my life.

Sometimes it seems as any little problem can be blown out of perspective and I sense that Apple, Goldman Sachs, and the credit bureaus will be rethinking how credit reports can be more gender-neutral!!

What do you think?  In a world where men traditionally get paid more for the same jobs as women, is credit processing just a byproduct of the ‘system’ or a fault that needs addressing.

Karen

Ten Minute Improvements - part 1

42 Ways to Improve Yourself in 10 minutes!!

From Success.com

Okay, seeing an article titled “43 Ways to Improve Yourself in 10 Minutes” got my attention.  Let’s see what we can see.

#1 - Get moving

#2 - Try Yoga

#3 - Take a mindful walk

The article suggests being aware of all that is around you.  Notice the smells, sounds, smells in your environment. Notice colors - are there differences between the various leaves and plants.  It isn’t a fast walk, but one to be open to all that is around you

#4 - Stand up, stretch your back

#5 - Take a selfie - not to share but to see YOU as you are.  

#6 -Write three things you like about being you on a post-it note

#7 - Take a nap

#8 - Find a cheerleader!!  (if you need one, let me know, I LOVE being a cheerleader!!!)

#9 - Sip on red wine (red wines supposedly help you avoid heart attacks and strokes

#10 - Check your credit score 

#11 - Track some of your spending in your most significant areas

#12 - Indulge (occasionally - get that dessert, buy that new dress)

#13 - Learn from others (read from blogs like this one)

These are about ⅓ of the ideas to improve yourself in ten minutes.  It doesn’t take long - spend a little time improving yourself in ten-minute intervals.  

In most cases, the concept is to get away from the world (like mindfulness and stretching) or to be more aware of your world so you can control yourself more (like checking your credit score)

You are unique.

Romans 12:1 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.