Stress and Reconciliation

Reconciliation and STRESS

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/can-stress-kill-you

 

Do you know that STRESS can kill you?  Well - not quite - but “This response doesn’t directly result in death, but it can have serious health consequences over a length of time.”

 

The article suggests there are both good stress and bad stress.  For example, “Similarly, a 2013 animal study found a short-term, moderate level of stress improved memory and increased alertness and performance in rats.”  (hmmm - so the “rat-race’ can be beneficial to humans?)

 

BUT “But long-term — also known as chronic — stress doesn’t have the same motivational effects.

“Cortisol gets toxic in high doses over a chronic period of time,” Celan explains, adding that this is what leads to serious health issues.

 

So, the problem is long-term stress.  From the article:

“But “over time, stress can cause damage that leads to premature death,” Celan says.

This damage can be anything from cardiovascular issues to encouraging unhealthy habits, like smoking and alcohol misuse. “You could live longer if you had less stress in your life,” Celan says. “That’s why taking control of your stress is important.”

 

*****

In the past few days, I’ve written about reconciliation.  Moving just a little, I’d like to talk a bit about stress.

 

In the year after I retired, I allowed stress to grow.  I look back and see three stress factors.  And I made three loaming, dark ‘MOUNTAINS out of those three molehills.  I agonized about the issues.  Yes, they really weren’t big deals in the scheme of things, but I latched onto them like a child latches on to a toy -and screams “MINE”.  These things became “MINE”.  And, yet all three were outside of my control.  As you know, we can control who we are (or as Romans 12:2 says “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind”).  

 

So, I reasoned “Why did that happen?” “What should I have done differently?”

 

I was getting dizzy when I stood up.  I would have to grab my chair and let the dizziness go away.  (Vertigo).  As the article suggests, long-term stress can lead to back pain, headaches, and even chest pain.  In my case, it also led to high blood pressure. (That is if you consider 213 over 161 with a pulse of 165 as high blood pressure - when ‘normal’ is supposed to be about 120 over 80).  

 

That blood pressure was like a high-pressure firehose in my aorta - where the blood was eating new blood carrying channels.  Like a river with meandering, flows can cut a new channel during a flood, my pressure was cutting new channels.

 

And - boom - a major health issue, a major surgery - and major changes in my life.

 

Ultimately, those major changes alienated my family  - and that is one of my reasons to look for reconciliation.

 

Separation from things we love can also be a stressor.  We are currently in isolation and separated from our work, our activities, our families, our friends - and our ‘normal’ lives.  And this stress can be hard on us.

 

The statement “like water off a duck’s back” seems to fit (at least to me).  I had to learn to let it go (or let go of my health).  That might be one reason to not have a television set in my apartment, I don’t need the stress of the news - and the forecast of doom and gloom. 

 

I try not to let things that stress me get to me.  My familiar mantra of “GIGO” - garbage in, garbage out, seems to fit here.  While I don’t subscribe to “Ignorance is bliss”, in this case, the less I know about the virus, the less I know about the predictions, the less I know from 87 different experts - may be the better.

 

Will our new - post-COVID-19 world - be different?  Probably!  Do I need to worry about it?  Not really.  The serenity prayer works well for me here:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Is the virus getting to you?  Is being cooped up at home for long periods of time affecting your health?  Is it time to “let it go”?

 

Hugs!!

 

Karen

 

Reconciliation - part III

Reconciliation - part III

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

Grudges and being angry at others play an interesting role in our psyches. Sometimes we can’t let go of our hurt feelings even though we want to, and other times we’re just not ready to let go. Either way, holding onto a grudge feels like a mental consolation prize – you were wronged so now you get a grudge.  I WAS WRONGED!!  HOW DARE THEY TO DO THAT TO ME!!

 

But ultimately you need to get over it!!! “A study from Emory University found that bitter people had higher blood pressure and were more likely to die from heart disease than more forgiving people.”

 

“On top of that, prolonged feelings of resentment can also negatively impact metabolism, immune response, and organ function. Those feelings also put you at a higher risk of developing depression and anxiety.”

 

We all have been hurt.  It is part of life.  Maybe it was a parent who criticized you, or a teacher, or somebody else.  I have found I have a little resentment with my dental hygienist!!  (HUH?)  Every time I see her (four times a year), she harasses me about not flossing enough.  The last time I was in, I was close to a model patient.  I had flossed almost every day.  I had avoided sugars.  I brushed whole-heartedly every morning and evening - and most of that with a good automatic brush (that is supposed to get into all the cracks).  I was looking for a compliment like “My, your teeth were much better this time.”  But she goes back to the same litany about brushing and flossing.  As I have reflected on this (and, by-the-way, if this is as bad as it gets, then I have a very pleasant life!!!).  She is a dental hygienist - and this is her profession, and this is her life.  

Can you imagine her life?

She gets up in the morning, drives to work and gets her first patient, and cleans that person’s teeth, then another, then another, then another. Her hands have been in drooling, salivating mouths all day.  Then she gets to me.  I’m not quite a number to her - but I’m not on her radar.  I’m just one of the hundreds she sees in a month - and probably very few have perfect teeth.  She remembers a little of me - plus she has my chart on her computer.  Yes, I always need cleaning, yes, I always need to floss more.  So, without much of a reflection, I get the same lecture (which is almost like nagging).  

[Aside - these last few months since my last appointment, I have rarely flossed.  I’m going to show her!!  {sounds like a rotten brat doesn’t it!!]

*****
These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.

But if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

 

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make a way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

·         Healthier relationships

·         Improved mental health

·         Less anxiety, stress, and hostility

·         Lower blood pressure

·         Fewer symptoms of depression

·         A stronger immune system

·         Improved heart health

·         Improved self-esteem

If you're unforgiving, you might:

·         Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience

·         Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present

·         Become depressed or anxious

·         Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs

·         Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

 

*****

So, here we are - another day, another blog on reconciliation, forgiving, cleansing your soul (and your teeth).

 

I’m thinking I might print this out for my hygienist.  But I’m realizing that I need to forgive and love her.  (And walk in her shoes - I need some volunteers to let me put my fingers into your mouths and let me touch your drool and saliva!!!)

 

Oh, back to the drawing board (and the forgiveness path).  I remember a statement - “Please be patient with me, God is not finished with me yet!!”

 

Hugs!!!

 

Karen

 

Reconciliation - part II

Reconciliation - part II

https://capitalchoicecounselling.com/2015/09/family-reconciliation-bringing-back-family-member-estranged/

 Yesterday, I wrote about reconciliation within families (and beyond families - with friends).

 Aside, “eating crow” is maybe not your favorite meal, but saying “I was wrong, please forgive me”.  From Wikipedia we have, “Eating crow is a colloquial idiom, used in some English- speaking countries, that means humiliation by admitting having been proven wrong after taking a strong position.  Thinking back to the story of the prodigal son, the son had to “eat crow” as he returned home, broke, hungry, and totally alienated.  He had to admit he was wrong as he said “‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son”. 

 Let’s look at some made-up examples:

-1 When I was 21, I was in love with Cheryl.  But, we had a violent fight over religion (and at that time, I knew she was wrong) and we broke up.  But, she has been in my thoughts for years.  I “know” we could have worked it out.

 -2 When I was 13, I had a fight with my big sister.  She was in the wrong.  We speak to each other only a little - when we must at family gatherings.  But now, twenty years later, I’d really like to make-up.

 -3 When I was 34, I got passed up for a promotion. I had liked my boss up to then.  But at that time, he was a real jerk.  I said some things that I regret to him.  Okay (pass the crow), I was out-of-line and I was wrong.  I’ve heard recently he is in poor health, I’d like to say, “I was wrong and that I am sorry to him.”

 -4 A friend (really a former friend), borrowed $500 from me - and never repaid me.  May he rot in hell!!

 -5 When my son was 18, he wanted to go into the military, and I told him NO.  I also told him that he had to go to college.  We had a big fight, and he stormed out of the house and enlisted in the Army.    He did quite well in the army, made the rank of captain, but he refuses to talk to me. 

 What happens if you don’t reconcile (in general - and with your family)

 My viewpoint, which is backed up with research.

 

• When you hold a grudge (i.e. not willing to forgive and reconcile), you’re recalling a past event and the negative emotions associated with it.
• It subjects your body to stress over a prolonged period, which has negative health effects.
• Rushing to forgive isn’t good either, as it can make you minimize your emotions.
• Let yourself feel hurt and, when ready, let go of your anger.

Hurt - anger - resentment - pain - stress.  In the past I have called these “emotional cancers”.  Given enough time and enough anger, they can affect you with physical problems.

 Of course, there are questions and concerns when thinking of family reconciliation.

Will reconciliation really work, and can I handle the possibility of being rejected all over again?

In attempting reconciliation, we are vulnerable.  You can get the pain and anger thrown into your face again (as I got a few weeks back)

 Have we changed and have we both experienced significant emotional growth?

We use the statement - “Forgive and forget”.  That is easier said than done.  

 Have I put my hurt and anger aside?

Don’t try reconciliation if you are still angry.

 Am I strong enough to maintain clear, respectful boundaries?

Don’t judge the other person - you can only change you.

 Do I or the others feel the need to rehash the past?

Psalm 103 says “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”.  Hey if God (infinite) can remove our transgressions and move on, we need to as well (even if the other person is not)

 If you are reading this, maybe you need to make the first move.  And, if that doesn’t work, maybe you need to make the second move.  And, if that doesn’t work you need to make the third move.

 (How many times must I forgive? And Jesus answered 70 times 7 (really an infinite number of times)). 

 It isn’t easy.  There is no simple formula.  You might be rejected by your hurt family member (when I tried a couple of weeks back I was told to get off the porch or my son-in-law would call the sheriff).  But, unless you want that emotional cancer, you need to seek healing (and reconciliation).  And - you need to change YOUR heart - even if they don’t change.

 More ahead

 Hugs!!

 Karen

 

Reconciliation - part I

 

Reconciliation - part I

(Warning - spiritual overtones)

I have run across a lot of people who are estranged from at least one person in their family.  My friend (RG) talks of a son who she has not seen or heard from in three years.  Another friend (AP) was separated from her sister for many years.  A third (MN) was separated from her son.

 

I am estranged from my family (not without reason).  I haven’t seen my twin granddaughters for two years.

 

First, looking at a New Testament Scripture from Matthew chapter 5.

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Be reconciled to them – ask for forgiveness – and willing give up your grudges and forgive them!!

*****

More

“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

*****

This is preceded by this,

 “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘You Jerk, is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

 *****

Biblically, there are several cases of family separation. In Genesis, the first two children - were Cain and Abel - and Cain killed Abel.  (God accepted Abel’s gift and sacrifice, but not Cain’s gift and sacrifice)

 

Jacob (in the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob) stole his brother’s birthright and blessing and the two twin brothers were at odds with each other.  Jacob fell in love with Rachel, but his father-in-law gave him Leah as a bride first (after seven years of work), and eventually, he also married Rachel (after seven more years of work).  And Rachel hated her sister Leah since she had children with Jacob, while Rachel was barren.  

 David had a son that fought against him for the position of King of Israel (Absalom), and then brothers that fought for the position after his death.

 The question is still “Why can’t people get along?” 

 As a Christian, I view that I am to love one another, I am to show mercy to others.  If I am struck on the cheek, turn my head so the person can strike my other cheek.  If I am asked to do a task (like carrying a soldier's weapons for a mile), I should do it for a second task. (go the extra mile).  

 But there is also a Biblical concept of “Shunning”

 Matthew 18:15-17

““If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

 I am being shunned because becoming a woman is a sin.  

 Forgiveness can go a long way.  From Colossians 3:12-14 we have this,

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

 *****

So, at the heart of most disagreements and estrangements, there might need to be a big dose of forgiveness - and “bearing with each other”.  Am I different?  Yes.  Can I be forgiven?  Yes.  Can I forgive others (especially my family)? Yes.  Can we (as a family) and we (as a society) put on the virtues of love?  Can we learn to love one another?  

 One final scripture reference - the prodigal son.  The son takes his share of his father's wealth and squanders it, and eventually goes home in shame.  But the father loves his son and forgives him.   

 Yes, one side or the other - or both have been hurt - can we be “big people” and forgive one another (and especially our family)?  Reconciliation is possible - but sometimes we need to be vulnerable and humble and admit that we have been wrong.

 More on this coming up

 Hugs!!!

 Karen

 

Learning Patience - part II

Lord, I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!  (part II)

https://www.consulting.com/how-to-be-more-patient

 

(First - I am feeling more content today!!  Hurray!!!!)

 

But, back to patience (and being impatience) - I need to chill out!!!

 

More from the article:

-1 Know what triggers your impatience

That’s easy!!  I trigger my impatience!!  Okay, the other day, I was to meet a friend for coffee and had my purse, car keys, and was walking out the door, when I checked and got a message that she had forgotten that she had an appointment) and we wouldn’t have coffee.  That is okay - (I do forget things too).  But I only made one cup of coffee as I anticipated having a second cup with my friend.  GRR - why did this happen?  [Okay, Karen - you are learning patience}.  I am learning - slowly but surely - that (1) God is in control, and (2) In Everything Give Thanks (! Thessalonians 5:18).  

 

It seems to be a control issue with me - and I am learning that I can only control my actions.  That’s the way it is.  Backed up traffic?  Be patient!!  The car behind me was following too closely and rammed my rear end?  Be patient!!  (And get all the details and take pictures next time!!).  

 

-2 Practice Empathy!! 

Yup - my friend (who forgot that she had an appointment) was at fault.  Big deal (said sarcastically).  That’s okay!!  There will be other days for coffee.  (And, from my wonderful imagination and putting a spin on it, there was probably a big accident between here and there and by not going I missed out on the accident!!!  Isn’t being a Pollyanna wonderful)

 

-3 Breathe / relax

As I learn more about my impatience, I am learning that “it is what it is”.   (Personal, I was planning on an elective medical procedure this summer - but insurance is not lining up with it.  If it happens - great - and if it doesn’t happen - that is okay.  (Keep giving thanks, Karen)

 

-4 Note your impatience

This was a new thought for me.  Basically, when I get impatient, I should write down what caused my impatience and what my reaction was.  The idea is that my impatience causes me to go into a bad mood, lose time that could have been spent more productively.  

 

The author talks about a “Swear Jar”. Every time the person swears he/she had to put money in the swear jar.  The swear jar funds can be donated to a charity.  (One friend has a similar thing - where if she fails at something, she contributes to a charity that she hates!!!  That is a great motivator for her!!!)

 

-5 Retrain or teach those that make you impatient.

This might not be the situation for me, but let’s try an example.  I’m on the phone doing something important and my four-year-child comes up and pulls my sleeve and asks for a treat.  After the phone call, I should remind him/her that when Mommy is on the phone, that interrupting is not nice (unless it is an emergency - like the house is on fire!!).

 

-6 Take a break.

When my impatience acts up, maybe it is time to take a ten-minute walk - clear out my brain.  

 

-7 Accept what you cannot change

Think of the “Serenity Prayer” 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

-8 Focus on the goal and the big picture.

It is said that Edison made thousands of mistakes before having a successful light bulb.  He commented that the mistakes were learning experiences on the way to success.  

 

-9 Focus on small wins

Hey - I didn’t blow my stack today when I had to wait longer in line at the grocery store.  We are all getting a little frazzled with isolation, give people a chance.  (Love WILL win!!!)

 

-10 Take pride in your patience

And, when it does come together, sit back and reflect how you were patient in that situation!!!

 

So, a two day look into being patient.  

 

From My Fair Lady - where the professor (who thinks he is pretty good) is getting frustrated with Eliza.

But, let a woman in your life

And your serenity is through

She'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome

And then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you

*****

 

Something new tomorrow!!!

 

So, relax today, this isn’t going to last forever!!!  And I think I know (or believe) in something that WILL last forever - so I need to be patient!!!

 

Hugs!!

 

Karen