Reconciliation - part II

Reconciliation - part II

https://capitalchoicecounselling.com/2015/09/family-reconciliation-bringing-back-family-member-estranged/

 Yesterday, I wrote about reconciliation within families (and beyond families - with friends).

 Aside, “eating crow” is maybe not your favorite meal, but saying “I was wrong, please forgive me”.  From Wikipedia we have, “Eating crow is a colloquial idiom, used in some English- speaking countries, that means humiliation by admitting having been proven wrong after taking a strong position.  Thinking back to the story of the prodigal son, the son had to “eat crow” as he returned home, broke, hungry, and totally alienated.  He had to admit he was wrong as he said “‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son”. 

 Let’s look at some made-up examples:

-1 When I was 21, I was in love with Cheryl.  But, we had a violent fight over religion (and at that time, I knew she was wrong) and we broke up.  But, she has been in my thoughts for years.  I “know” we could have worked it out.

 -2 When I was 13, I had a fight with my big sister.  She was in the wrong.  We speak to each other only a little - when we must at family gatherings.  But now, twenty years later, I’d really like to make-up.

 -3 When I was 34, I got passed up for a promotion. I had liked my boss up to then.  But at that time, he was a real jerk.  I said some things that I regret to him.  Okay (pass the crow), I was out-of-line and I was wrong.  I’ve heard recently he is in poor health, I’d like to say, “I was wrong and that I am sorry to him.”

 -4 A friend (really a former friend), borrowed $500 from me - and never repaid me.  May he rot in hell!!

 -5 When my son was 18, he wanted to go into the military, and I told him NO.  I also told him that he had to go to college.  We had a big fight, and he stormed out of the house and enlisted in the Army.    He did quite well in the army, made the rank of captain, but he refuses to talk to me. 

 What happens if you don’t reconcile (in general - and with your family)

 My viewpoint, which is backed up with research.

 

• When you hold a grudge (i.e. not willing to forgive and reconcile), you’re recalling a past event and the negative emotions associated with it.
• It subjects your body to stress over a prolonged period, which has negative health effects.
• Rushing to forgive isn’t good either, as it can make you minimize your emotions.
• Let yourself feel hurt and, when ready, let go of your anger.

Hurt - anger - resentment - pain - stress.  In the past I have called these “emotional cancers”.  Given enough time and enough anger, they can affect you with physical problems.

 Of course, there are questions and concerns when thinking of family reconciliation.

Will reconciliation really work, and can I handle the possibility of being rejected all over again?

In attempting reconciliation, we are vulnerable.  You can get the pain and anger thrown into your face again (as I got a few weeks back)

 Have we changed and have we both experienced significant emotional growth?

We use the statement - “Forgive and forget”.  That is easier said than done.  

 Have I put my hurt and anger aside?

Don’t try reconciliation if you are still angry.

 Am I strong enough to maintain clear, respectful boundaries?

Don’t judge the other person - you can only change you.

 Do I or the others feel the need to rehash the past?

Psalm 103 says “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”.  Hey if God (infinite) can remove our transgressions and move on, we need to as well (even if the other person is not)

 If you are reading this, maybe you need to make the first move.  And, if that doesn’t work, maybe you need to make the second move.  And, if that doesn’t work you need to make the third move.

 (How many times must I forgive? And Jesus answered 70 times 7 (really an infinite number of times)). 

 It isn’t easy.  There is no simple formula.  You might be rejected by your hurt family member (when I tried a couple of weeks back I was told to get off the porch or my son-in-law would call the sheriff).  But, unless you want that emotional cancer, you need to seek healing (and reconciliation).  And - you need to change YOUR heart - even if they don’t change.

 More ahead

 Hugs!!

 Karen