Burnout - part I

Burnout!!

https://www.themuse.com/advice/13-ways-the-busiest-people-ever-avoid-burnout

Recently I have bumped into people suffering from burnout.  

For this topic, I am using this definition: “physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.”  and "high levels of professionalism that may result in burnout".

I have seen people so tired and burned out, that they make mistakes in judgment and in their professional work.  I also have known people with extreme burnout that end with mental issues.

So, let’s look at these suggestions to avoid burnout:

1) Take a vacation and unplug!

This might be easier said than done for high profile people.  During the last presidential campaign, Harriery Clinton suffered burnout.  That may have been a fatal blow to her campaign. Did people view her as frail when she needed to take a few days off to recover from a hard campaign?  

For some type-A people, they “must keep going”.  Projects “must” be finished - but it can be hard to finish projects when the person has a heart attack and dies.  

Guess what, we are all going to die someday - and somebody is going to take our place.  By the nature of jobs, we have to be replaceable (even if we think we are irreplaceable!!).  

BUT, when that point is reached where you just can’t take another step - when your mind is ceasing to work, mental breakdowns can happen - and humans need to avoid that.  

Get away!!  Get out of town - and DON’T TAKE YOUR WORK WITH YOU!!!  Turn off your phone, post an automatic reply on your email “Jane Doe is out-of-town and cannot return your call and cannot return your email.” And, only tell one (or two) very trustworthy people where you are and where you are going.  

2) “Forget balance, find harmony”

The concept here is that while “Work-life balance” is important, it might be better to have a career/occupation that feeds your soul.  What makes you happy? Can you find a position that fulfills that part of your life? Yes, every job has some negative aspects - but with passion you can rise above that.  

As a professor, I LOVED my work.  I LOVED being with students; I LOVED seeing students learn, grow, get good jobs and find the good life.!!!  But, I didn’t enjoy grading or those that whined about their grades. Thinking back, I think a job as a corporate trainer might have fit me better.  I enjoyed the days when I taught Meta-View to those clients who bought into the package.  

The article says this:

“I think people who say it’s all about work-life balance are wrong. I value finding passion and harmony in my work by being connected to and caring about my team and my customers and making a big difference in their lives. I would burn out way faster working five hours a day at a job that was hurting my soul than I would working 15 hours a day at a job that's feeding my soul.”

I like the adage “Find a job that you love and you will never have to work for the rest of your life” (which to me implies that something you are passionate about will not really be a ‘job’ but a vocation - a calling!!!

We will continue this series for the next few days.  But, as we go into the weekend, maybe this IS the weekend that you will unplug and unwind!!

Have you been burned-out?  What was it like?

Karen

Making Friends #5

Making Friends #5

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult

I'm doing a series on making and keeping friends and this is the last one!!

#9 Get rid of poisonous friendships

The article says this:

“Is there a long-standing pattern of stress, imbalance, or resentment within a friendship? Do you consistently dread spending time with a friend, or leave them feeling drained? Do you not like who you become with that person?

Clearing away the emotional debris of toxic relationships is imperative to make way for healthier ones. The inertia of unhealthy friendships can be strong: Guilt, fear, and familiarity can keep us in them much longer than is good for us. But if you can bring yourself to make some real changes, you’ll have even more room for healthier relationships.”

I don’t need toxic people in my life -although there are some.  sometimes relatives can be toxic - and you can’t get rid of relatives!!  (Well, you can, but murder is frowned upon!!!)

These people are a drain on you.  I was with a couple last week where the woman was being toxic to her husband.  The man was taking it, but not always wanting to hear it.  They have been married for many years, but unless the poison is removed, it will be a difficult situation for them as they grow older. 

Does Aunt Jane make you feel guilty when you visit her?  Does she lash out with her tongue?  It can be difficult to take.  And, unfortunately, Aunt Jane is like that to everybody.  Love is the only way to approach her.  Remember Aunt Jane when she was young and vibrant, rather than one and decrepit.  (And, if you are an “Aunt Jane” type, you need to become more loving even if you are in constant pain).

#10 Remember the little things

Again, from the article we have this:

“We often get so bogged down with perfection that we sabotage ourselves, like the person so focused on "owning" their friend a nice, long email response that they put it off and fail to respond at all. But done is better than perfect. So you neglected to plan a big surprise for your friend’s big birthday? Don’t let that stop you from bringing over her favorite candy and some flowers. So you missed your wonderful coworker’s baby shower? Don’t let that keep you from stopping by with a casserole. Just a simple, heartfelt or funny note—on real, touchable paper—is the type of small thing that adds up to a beautiful lifetime of true friendship.”

“Because it's not grandiose gestures that make up a friendship over the course of the lifespan; it's the consistency of connecting, no matter how small it sometimes needs to be.”

OH NO!!!  I want to write the perfect note to SS - a great former student of mine - who is so smart and talented (he works in IT - plus develops smartphone apps - and also has written a solid technology book).  After seeing this item, I am convicted of being a bad friend to this great young man!!

Moving to a new topic tomorrow!!!

See you then!!

Karen

Making Friends #4

Making Friends #4

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult

I'm doing a series on making and keeping friends

As an adult, I have moved a few times and had to make new friends - or friends have moved away
from me and I have lost them (even if we stay in touch).

I’ve discussed six points

1)  Making friends is a matter of health.

2) Embrace Quality and not Quantity.

3) Ride out transitions.

4) Expect some false starts.

5) Commit to community

6)  Focus on follow-up!!  

Today two more points

7) Avoid technology traps.

Yes, technology is good for communication - but it isn’t the same as face-to-face or voice-to-voice
communication

The article said:

“When we rely too much on our screens instead of our faces and voices, our
interactions can be dehumanized. Face-to-face and even voice-to-voice contact
bring a level of spontaneity, warmth, and engagement that our souls were not
meant to be without. “

The article suggests that when you are out with people, put your phones away.  The first one to
pick up their phone has to pay the lunch or coffee bill. If you “have” to use your phone -
think about it. It is going to take away from real human interaction.

8) Develop and keep the momentum

The article suggests:

“We’ve all been there: An attempt to get old coworkers, new moms, neighbors, or old
classmates together stalls after the seventh “reply-all” response where no time seems to
work for everyone. Or you like to chat with a dear friend on the phone, but both of you are
always too busy to pick up. If you want to stay close, stop letting schedules contribute to the
deterioration of the relationship. Pick a standing time—the second Sunday of every month is
brunch, for instance, or every Wednesday afternoon is a phone chat during your commutes—and
let it work automatically. The magic comes soon after when the event becomes routine and i\
ingrained and continues on its own—no planning needed.”

Set aside a time for communication.  I have a great friend that we go for breakfast on Saturday
mornings (if we can).  We laugh and talk - and (like magic) an hour-and-one-half has passed.
Keeping friends has to be a priority - that you will drive a distance to see friends - and clear your
schedule to make it happen.

So, do these two suggestions (avoid technology and build momentum) help in thinking about friends?

Tomorrow, we will finish the last two items.

Karen

Making Friends #3

Making Friends #3

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult

A few days ago I started a series on making adult friends. 

As an adult, I have moved a few times and had to make new friends - or friends have moved
away from me and I have lost them (even if we stay in touch).

I’ve discussed four points so far:

1)  Making friends is a matter of health (the article says “Did you know that poor-quality
social support is the mortality-risk equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes per day?”)

2) Embrace Quality and not Quantity (does 1,000 Facebook ‘friends” really make for good friends?

3) Ride out transitions - the moves, the divorces, the death of a spouse, the other
transitions in life.

4) Expect some false starts - where the person you think will be a great friend doesn’t pan out.

Let’s continue with the next two points today:

5) Commit to community

The article says:

“Friendship is not just about a one-on-one relationship, but it can also entail the good feelings
you get from being part of something bigger than you. Traditional communities involve
neighborhoods, workplaces, and places of worship, but new ones can be built in any way you
desire.”

In the past year, in my new environment, I have committed to community.  I have been part of
two bridge groups and have cut that to one group. But, that group is so fun.  The laughter just
rings from this group. There are hugs and feelings that grow from being friends.  

Last Sunday, two of us singles were invited to a bridge night at one of the couples.  It was a
delightful evening of some bridge, more laughter, good food (and drink), and community.

I am also committed to my church community.  It is farther away in my new environment,
but my friends are there - so the extra miles are really not a problem to drive.  The worship is
authentic, and the fellowship is real.

And, also last weekend, I went to a Sunday brunch that seems like it will be a new community
for me as well.  Plus going to the “First Friday” dance at the senior center with a group of friends.
Yes, embrace community

6)  Focus on follow-up!!  

The article says that sometimes the little things make a difference:

“Often it’s not meeting people that’s hard; perhaps you even have more small-talk partners
than you know what to do with. But many people get trapped at this first, superficial level,
because they lack the courage or know-how to go a bit deeper. Bring up something that was
talked about in the last conversation. Remember little things and ask about them. Reveal
something that leaves you a bit vulnerable. Suggest a spontaneous outing, splurge for an
extra ticket for something off-the-cuff. Give a compliment. Suggest someone follow up with a
text to let you know how something went that was important to them. Offer them a resource—
even just a link that you heard about—that you'll text them later. The only way to go from
talking about the weather to being friends for decades is to start with a nudge of making
things more personal and continuous.”

I like getting cards at the dollar store and sending little notes of appreciation.  To make a friend,
you have to be a friend. That sometimes opens us to be vulnerable - and that can be both
scary and fulfilling.  I also just finished sending eight friends “Good Morning” text messages!!
I am learning - but still a work in progress!!

How about you?  Are you making and keeping great friends?

Karen

Making Friends 2

Making Friends #2

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult

A few days ago I started a series on making adult friends. 

As an adult I have moved a few times and had to make new friends - or friends have moved away from me and I have lost them (even if we stay in touch).

I started with these two points:

1)  Making friends is a matter of health (the article says “Did you know that poor-quality social support is the mortality-risk equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes per day?”)

2) Embrace Quality and not Quantity (does 1,000 Facebook ‘friends” really make for good friends?

Let’s continue with the next two points today:

3) Ride out transitions

The article says “Not only is it harder to make new friends when you no longer have the automatic proximity you had to peers in your school days, but it is common (and natural) to have friendships wither away when life transitions shift the relationship—from a geographical move to a change in job to marriage, kids, retirement, health issues, or divorce. “

Yowl!!  In the past three years, my marriage as fallen apart (with divorce on the horizon) I have retired, I am in a new community, I am estranged from my children (and maybe more significant for me - my five precious grandchildren), plus had some major health issues - both physical and mental health issues!!

My parents have been role models for me in my life.  In their early 80’s, they moved from their lifelong location (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) to their final location (Grand Rapids, Michigan area).  

They had some initial stability as my sister and brother-in-law were close by and they had immediate family.  But, they made new friends - quality friends. Even now some eight years later, I hear (mostly from my sister) about people coming up and saying “Your parents were special people”.  

You can’t make new friends by sitting at home and watching television!!  You have to get active in life. My parents got active in their new church (which was my sister/brother-in-law’s church), joined an active senior walking group, played cards (bridge and Euchre).  They celebrated birthdays with their new friends (my mother made ‘birthday sashes’) and became part of their new community. Transitions can be hard - but they are manageable - but you must make an efffort.

4) Expect some false starts

The article says “Making friends takes effort, and here’s a reality check: You need some failed attempts. Would you expect to marry the first person you ever dated? Not every friendship you attempt will get off the ground, either. It’s not something to take personally; building friendships is a process that takes time, and is in many ways a numbers game.  

Where friendships and relationships may have come easier when we were younger - and more involved in our children’s activities or in our work environments, our change in status can make it harder.  I thought one particular person was going to be a great friend and we were going to be consultants together and that fizzed before it really started.  

The article ends this section with this: “And here’s the beautiful thing about false starts: Each and every one gives you a little more insight about how to refine your friend search, and it gets you a little bit closer to finding a good match.

===============

My take-aways on this is that solid, quality friendships do require work - but the time and effort involved are worth it in the long run!!  

I hope you all have fantastic friends and even with the ups-and-downs of life you have friends and supporters and you also are a friend and supporter for others!!

Hugs!!

Karen

Making friends

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult

I have friends - I have many friends - I have many, great friends!!  What support they have shown me in the recent weeks!!

I found this article about making and keeping friends.  Let’s take a look

Point #1 - Friendships are a HEALTH issue!!

Let me quote from the article (which is ‘spot on’)!!!

“Solid friendships are crucial to your physical—yes, physical—health. Did you know that poor-quality social support is the mortality-risk equivalent  of smoking 15 cigarettes per day? Or that supportive friendships in your 20s are a solid predictor of being alive at 70? Genuine, nourishing friendships boost your immune system, improve your prognosis with various chronic health conditions, and lower your blood pressure—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Emotionally, they help reduce your risk of disorders from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder to anxiety disorders and substance abuse. If you’re great with your gym regimen but keep putting off having lunch with the person who most makes you laugh, shuffle your priorities a bit.”

============

I love to laugh.  I think the old concept of “Laughter is the best medicine” is still valid.  I know when I’m upbeat as I can laugh easily and I can whistle.  

I like what this author says ‘ friendships can boost your immune system, improve various health conditions and lower your blood pressure’.  Hey - we can all use that.  

Point #2 - Embrace Quality and Ditch Quantity

Again from the article: “We know this intuitively, and we can probably acknowledge that our 500th Facebook friend relationship is not the bearer of much emotional sustenance. And research suggests we may actually be lonelier now despite having more “friends” than before. But despite this, many of us spend countless hours every week spinning our wheels within some very superficial friendships, getting caught up in a minefield of bland emails or generic texts or the endless treadmill of social networking. We may spend hours each day fiddling on Instagram or Facebook, typing LOL under a video we didn’t even bother to watch, but doing nothing to make true connections—all the while feeling too “busy” to go out and form friendships that are much more real.”

===============

Oh oh!!  Quilty as charged!!

I just looked - I have 1,476 Facebook friends.  I try to drop them all a “Happy Birthday”. Many are former students that I like to keep up with.  There are some that follow faithfully and encourage frequently.  

So, yes, I have a great quantity of friends - but many are just good acquaintances.  Fond memories of when I met these friends - and about our relationships flow through my mind when I see the names.  

But, some are in that “Quality” friendship range!!  I don’t want to list them - as I might miss somebody - but I will mention L(M)G; TF; AP; KB; SS; JO; JM; JW; TW; KW; MN; MM; PC; KD; BW; and many more.  

I (now) know that I can call any of these quality friends when I have a crisis - and they will listen and encourage me.  Ah - can I be such a quality friend to them? I hope so!!

How about you - do you have friends that can enrich your health life and be quality friends?  I hope so!!

More tomorrow!!!

Karen

Comfort Zones

I have written about comfort zones before, but after my latest “adventure” wanted to return.

I think (and I have not checked the literature) that as we age, our comfort zones just naturally become smaller.  

For example, as a professor, I had to write papers and present those papers at conferences.  This got me to San Diego, Montreal, Las Vegas, Nashville, Wilmington NC, and other places. Travel is nicer when somebody else is picking up the tab!!!

Likewise, I was an ABET evaluator.  That got me to Miami Beach, Puerto Rico, Harrisonburg VA, Erie PA, and even to Kazakhstan!!!  

I was a short term Fulbright recipient and got to Belarus (twice).

But, my (paid) travel adventures have ended.  

Likewise, while working (and having good income), I (we) travelled through most of the United States.  I’ve marched in the New York City St. Patrick’s day parade several times. I’ve played in the NCAA Division I hockey championship (aka the “Frozen Four”) - although it was in the pep band.  

Yes, I have memories, but my comfort zone has shrunk.  I am in a one-bedroom apartment - I rarely get out of the Austin area.  I don’t eat out much (not much fun as a single person).  

As a proponent of working to keep your comfort zone growing - by doing things outside my comfort zone.  Like going to Kazakhstan was a trip outside my comfort zone. I encourage my students to do study abroad to enlarge their comfort zone.

Now, even though some have questioned my sanity, I am enlarging my comfort zone as I explore my life as a female.  I am teaching a new class - and, while that has been a lot of work, it does stretch my comfort zone. I am meeting and making new friends.  Even my four-and-one-half day stay in the Behavioral Hospital for depression enlarged my comfort zone.  

I am cooking (and enlarging my comfort zone); crocheting; giving rides to seniors, playing bridge, and finding new information about gender and living.  

So, to my readers, I urge you to keep finding new things to do with your lives - travel is good - but there are many things that are just outside your comfort zone that are relatively free and available to you.  Write a book (or books - right Steve), work at an animal shelter, be a foster parent, teach an adult education class, read to first graders, be a mentor to middle school kids.  

But, most of all - DON’T STAGNATE.

There is a story that was popular 20 years ago.  There are two ‘seas’ in Israel - the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea.  The Sea of Galilee takes in freshwater (from the Jordan and other rivers) and then the water flows out. But, the Dead Sea takes in water - but had no outlet.  It is very loaded with salts and chemicals that have flowed into it - but don’t ever flow out.  

Do you want to be like the Sea of Galilee and keep refreshing your mind and body - or do you want to be like the Dead Sea?

Interesting thoughts!!

Hugs!!

Karen