Saturday Story August 8th, 2020
Retired Husband Syndrome: A Retirement Coaching Story
Dan and Erika had been married for 43 years when we got together for our first retirement coaching session.
Dan had retired the previous year as a salesperson for William Brennen, Real Estate Agents in Crawford County Wisconsin. Erika had been a primary teacher, who had stopped teaching when the children were born. When Michael was a junior in high school, (and Stefanie was a freshman and Brian was in seventh grade), she went back to work as a substitute teacher. She liked the freedom of being able to say ‘no’ to taking a subbing job when her ladies group met and she could schedule her work around her life, rather than schedule her life around her work.
The first session had been finding what was important for both of them. Seemingly they agreed on some travel - maybe a Caribbean Cruise and/or one of the Europe River Cruises. Their best friends Katie and Henry Fassoli had done a Rhine River Cruise and had suggested doing a Caribbean cruise together. The two couples played Euchre together at least once a week, Dan and Henry had been buddies for years and sometimes would go out in Dan’s boat on the backwaters of the Mississippi and fish. Erika and Katie were in the same circle at St. Thomas parish in Prairie du Chien Wisconsin and as both sets of children were almost the same age had done a lot of things together.
There had been some thought about being ‘snow-birds’ and going to Texas or Arizona in the winter to get away from the cold and snow of Wisconsin. They did that one year, renting a small apartment in Apache Junction Arizona and didn’t like it. Sure they didn’t shovel, but it just wasn’t “them”. Since they lived in town and were two doors from the Fassoli family, they could sit out the snowstorm and wait until the city cleaned the streets. Dan had a big snow thrower and actually liked clearing the driveway and sidewalks. Sometimes it was like a competition to see whether Dan or Henry would start to snow throw first!!! And Erika and Katie watched out of the window - hoping neither man would have a heart attack pushing the snow around!!
They seemed to be happy when they left our counseling session. In a month, they scheduled a second session. We talked about finances, fitness, and social activities and they seemed fine. They talked about their children and in particular about Brian who was a drug addict and how to relate to him as retired parents.
Then they scheduled a third session. Not that I didn’t like talking with them, but I was getting the thought that maybe something deeper was going on. They requested half-an-hour separate meetings, then a full meeting. My brain was going “Hmmm - what is going on”. I also launched into prayer for them.
Erika went first. I greeted her with a hug.
After a few minutes of pleasantries, she jumped in. “I had an affair fifteen years ago. It was stupid. I was bored, and this was exciting and it seemed as if the person cared for me more than Dan, and I jumped in with both feet. I told Dan, and I also have been to Confession at my church.” Dan has been somewhat understanding, but at times totally lost in this. I really do love Dan.”
I listened carefully. She was pouring out her heart to me. While her priest may have given her absolution, the old wound was still there.
I asked the obvious questions like “How did Dan take it?” “Did the kids know?” “How did it start?” “How did you feel about it then, and how do you feel about it now?”
Erika answered “It was hard. I was wrong and I told him so. He said he forgave me - and I haven’t done anything like it since. It was just a fling and it was stupid.”
“He said he forgave me. But, sometimes, I have trouble forgiving myself and I suspect it is still in the back of Dan’s mind.
“About six months after the affair, at the dinner table he asked (and I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking) “Hey Dear, are you still out seeing other men?”. That crushed me and in tears, I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I must have been there an hour-and-one-half. For the first twenty minutes, I could hear him outside the door saying “I’m sorry, I was just kidding” and similar things, Then I thought he had left. When I stopped crying and opened the door, he was sitting on the floor waiting for me. I first thought I’d step back in and lock the door again - but I came out to him. He hugged me for the longest time. Dan’s not a hugger.”
Erika paused then added quietly “Dan isn’t much of a lover either. I tried giving him hints with sexy lingerie, and love notes on the bathroom mirror. He tried to be better. But, he just isn’t motivated by sex. He is a very good man, he worked hard, supported his family and me. He bought me things - but I just couldn’t get to his heart.”
Erika stopped and put her head down and quietly sobbed.
In a couple of minutes, she continued. “I love him, but I’m just tired of him. Now that he is at home, he just is around all the time. He tries to be sweet and do things for me, and likes to take me out to eat. That isn’t my thing. I’ve always been just a tad on the overweight side and eating out is putting the pounds on me. I like eating in my own kitchen - and sometimes I want just to be alone.”
I told her about the ‘Retired Husband Syndrome’ quickly and she thought that might be the case. Our time together was coming to an end as I wanted to talk one-on-one with Dan before I talked with both of them together.
As Erika left my office and went into the hall, I thought this might not go well.
*****
Dan came in. I greeted him warmly.
I asked, “So, what is on your mind, Dan?”
Dan started slowly. “I’m not exactly sure, Dr. Karen. Erika wanted this session and she didn’t really tell me what was on her mind. But, I think I’m disappointing her.”
My mind said “yes” to that comment.
So, I followed that up.
“Dan”, I asked, “how do you think you might be disappointing her?”
Dan started slowly. “Fifteen years ago, Erika had an affair. She has confessed that to me, and I forgive her. She says she hasn’t done it again, and I believe her.”
Dan paused and looked at the floor.
He continued “I think I am just a drudge on her life. I’m not very romantic, I know she would like more sex - even at our age - and I just can’t (ahh) perform anymore. And, to be honest, even if I could perform, I don’t like doing it.”
I paused thirty-seconds and asked, “Do you love, Erika, Dan?”
He answered thoughtfully and fairly quickly. “Yes, Dr. Karen. I love Erika. I’ve loved her from our first date back in college. I asked her out. I think she had been looking at me at the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse. We went to a movie, and I didn’t watch the movie much as I was too scared to make a wrong move with her. I wanted to put my arm around her shoulders but didn’t want to be too forward. She solved that by grabbing and holding my hand.”
I was nodding encouragement.
Dan continued “We dated, I served in the Navy just as Vietnam was ending. I returned home. While I was in the Navy, she was teaching in Prairie du Chien, so when I returned I went to Prairie du Chien. It wasn’t too far from Necedah - with all the paper mills where my parents and family lived. I started teaching science at West Grant High School and we dated. I proposed we got married and life was grand. Eventually, I took a job with Emerson Chevy as a salesman - and somehow I was good at that. I made about 50% more in sales than as a teacher. Eventually got into real estate and was a top salesperson there. I’ve provided well for Erika and my family - but I’m not sure I’ve ever really understood her - and showed my love to her properly. I do love her, but .. those are just words.
I had an action plan. I hate to scheme, but I was going to back Dan into a corner.
I asked “Dan, I think you did alright in your finances - so finances are not an issue for you are Erika”
Dan replied “Yes”
I continued “If Erika asked you to walk to LaCrosse (no time limit), would you do it?”
Dan answered, “I couldn’t do that in a day, but in about 4 or 5 days - yes. I love enough to walk to LaCrosse.”
I asked, “If she said she wanted a bigger, different diamond ring, would you get it for her?”
Dan nodded yes.
“If she wanted a new car, would you get it for her?”
Dan answered “Yes”
“If she wanted you to put up a billboard at the corner of Blackhawk and Marquette streets saying ‘Dan Loves Erika’ would you do that?
Again, Dan said “Yes”.
I paused for another thirty-seconds before asking “Dan, you said you love her, that you want to show your love to her. But, then you say you are a drudge, you are not romantic, but you can’t perform (ahh) sexually. Is that correct?”
I paused.
And finally “If she wanted you to be more romantic, could you do it?”
Dan thought about that and said “You got me, Dr. Karen. Yes, I could learn to be more romantic. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks (or an old husband how to be a better husband).
We hugged and I brought Erika back in.
*****
Dan immediately went to his wife, hugged her, and kissed her.
Then he surprised both Erika and me as he got down on his knee (maybe not quite as graceful as when he had proposed 44 years before.
He said “Erika, I love you. I’m sorry I have disappointed you. Dr. Karen has shown me that I can be more romantic. Can you help me - I think I need a lot of help!!”
Erika helped pull him up and the two hugged and even groped a little.
It was probably four minutes before they realized that I was there!! Dan blushed and Erika laughed!!
I had a big grin on my face.
“Okay, my turn”. And I motioned for them to sit down.
“Dan and Erika, you are wonderful people. It is common for couples to lose that spark as they grow older.”
Addressing Dan, I added “Dan, there is a concept called ‘Retired Husband Syndrome’. Men retire and think all is alright, but it isn’t. I have some advice for you. Note, this is just my thoughts and the two of you can take it or leave it.”
I noticed as I talked that Dan had taken Erika’s hand.
“Dan, I’m not sure how it would work for you, but could you go back to selling real estate (or at least going to an office) - maybe a couple of hours a day. I think Erika will like having time to herself again.
“Then Dan, yes, you can be romantic even without you having sex. Women have more options and are more complex. You know that men are (um) ‘one and done’, while women can have multiple orgasms. I suggest you see a friend Lucy Gonzales from the Gundersen Clinic who has office hours one day a week at Crossing Rivers Health Center. Lucy will change your romantic and sex life - I’m sure of it.”
“You need to plan surprises - small day-trips, date night, and sit down and agree for lovemaking time - at least twice a month and put it on your calendar.”
I turned to Erika
“And you, Erika”, I started. “You need to help Dan. Tell him about what you want. Learn to have romance without intercourse, learn to hug Dan in new and different ways. Men NEED to be respected even more than they need love. Tell him every day how you respect and honor him. And, be patient.”
I added “With a little tongue-in-cheek advice, sometimes men don’t understand what we ladies want - so work on your communications. And, make it mandatory that he get out of the house at least two hours a day. There is an adage “familiarity breeds contempt” followed by ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. You too need time apart.”
We finished up and they left holding hands.
*****
Epilogue
Dan did see Lucy Gonzales and got some help with his romance. And, even I was surprised at the billboard that went up at Blackhawk and Marquette street that had both Dan and Erika’s picture on it with the caption “I love my spouse”.
***********
Okay, another Saturday story - and now time to analyze
Did Dr. Karen approach the situation correctly? Did she manipulate Dan? Do you think in the long run this will work?
I had another version - where Brian (the third child and drug addict) has become abusive. He slaps his wife and breaks her jaw and hurts one of the children. They separate, Dan and Erika, take him in. How is it to have a grown child on a form of "house arrest" and rehabilitation? What skills do Dan and Erika need to have their son at home?
*****
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