THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2022, WHAT IS LOVE - PART IV

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2022, WHAT IS LOVE - PART IV

This week I’m building up to Valentine’s Day (which is next Monday, February 14, 2022).

So, what is love?

God’s divine love is perfect, but humans are far from perfect.  I know of couples where one spouse cheated on the other - and through communications (and a dedication to making the marriage work), the marriage was saved.

The research suggests the following for a successful marriage:

Communicate clearly and often. ...

Tell your spouse that you're thankful for having him or her in your life. ...

Make time for you two as a couple. ...

Plan for some personal time. ...

Understand that it's OK to disagree. ...

Build trust. ...

Learn to forgive.

*****

So, Karen, what happened to your marriage?

Well …I would like to think it was “Gray Divorce”

A recent article by the L.A. Times brought some much-needed attention to a growing and worrisome trend in the United States: the rise of gray divorces.

“Separation and divorce at any age are difficult at best, but when the divorce takes place in the case of people over 50, the repercussions of going through a so-called “gray divorce” are exceptionally hard-hitting”

*****

Okay - communication

We moved to Texas to be near our twin granddaughters.  I wasn’t ready to retire.  And, I thought I was doing the right thing.

[Aside, now nine years later, I’m still not ready to retire.  My work was and still seems to be my life.  I don’t have a television.  I don’t want one (yet - maybe soon).  I feel compelled to continue to work on making a difference in lives.  To be active.  To LOVE and let LOVE WIN]

When I retired from the University of Texas (now six years ago), I still wasn’t ready to give things up.  Within five months of retirement, I started working at Kohl’s department store as a seasonal employee.  While I didn’t want to retire, I didn’t want to work full time.  Then I substitute taught at a Catholic high school.  Then I worked as a house sitter for a new housing developer one day a week.  BOOM -and then I had my health issues.  

Since then, I’ve been an election judge, a substitute teacher (again - I guess I hadn’t learned my lesson the first time), helped with an online class, and now working as a personal caregiver at a senior housing facility. 

I’ve read to first graders, been a middle school mentor, served in various capacities in my church and community.  I’ve walked maybe five to ten million steps.  

But, I wasn’t a good communicator with my wife.

Over those 46 years of marriage, we had “drifted” onto different paths.  I liked being out in the public with my teaching and service, she liked being at home with a few close quilting friends.  Our family was our joint activity.  I loved (and still love)our children and grandchildren.  While I did want to travel some, traveling between Grand Island Nebraska, Round Rock Texas, the Twin Cities area (to see her family), and Grand Rapids Michigan (to see my family) seemed to be my main goals.  (Plus Alaska so I could say I’d been to all 50 states!!!)

I told her I loved her every day - multiple times every day.  And, I didn't hear her affirmation back to me.  I didn’t woo her like I should have, I didn’t try hard enough to communicate.

I didn’t like television so I would sit in the living room on my computer, and she would watch her shows.  Sometimes I would watch a few shows with her (mostly HGTV shows - Fixer Upper, Love it or Leave it.  I’m cheap (frugal) and don't go to movies frequently - and I should.  I should have established Friday night as “Date Night”.  We would eat out frequently (she was tired of cooking and I really hadn’t picked up the slack).  

Then my brain changed!!!  I had been judgmental, I had an ego.  I had been a privileged white, Christian professor.  BOOM - I was convicted.  BOOM - I found a female side to myself.  BOOM - that offended my wife and I didn’t see it.  Communication stopped (or slowed to a minimum).  

And, I didn’t see that I was hurting her.

I did see that we were drifting and had drifted away from each other.  So, I turned more and more to my female side - at least I had some pleasure there. 

It became a delicate balancing act.  A rejection, a negative comment, even a negative look - would push me away into my feminine world. We did counseling together (and alone).  One counselor seemed to understand us, but she didn’t accept that. One counselor on her side said “dump the bum, any man who thinks he is a woman is wrong - and especially in the eyes of God ''.  (I’m sure glad he has “God’s Vision”!!)

*****

Gray Divorce - for whatever reason - isn’t much fun.  We debated over money.  She got the house (valued at about $350,000), she got the good car, she got the long-term annuity.  I rented a 582 square feet apartment in a different town. Two separated in two housing units are not better than two in the same house.

If anything, I have become more “frugal”.  I have rent payments, my old car needed replacing, so now I have car payments, I have to watch my budget and say ‘no’ to things - but “things” are “things” - and in most cases, I can live without them.  And, communication between me and my children and grandchildren has stopped.  

I do communicate with my ex (but only by email).  I love her.  Yes, I failed to communicate.  

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  Love never fails and, LOVE WINS!!!  

Karen

February 10, 2022