FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2025 LOVE - CONTINUED
Last Friday, I started a series on love. I looked at the six terms for love in the Greek language. While English speakers might say “I love you”, and “I love peanut butter” the word “love” is different (or, I hope it is different).
So, here the are the six terms - as taken from
1. Eros, or sexual passion (last week)
2. Philia, or deep friendship
The second variety of love was philia or friendship, which the Greeks valued far more than the base sexuality of eros. Philia concerned the deep comradely friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield. It was about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, as well as sharing your emotions with them. (Another kind of philia, sometimes called storge, embodied the love between parents and their children.)
We can all ask ourselves how much of this comradely philia we have in our lives. It’s an important question in an age when we attempt to amass “friends” on Facebook or “followers” on Twitter—achievements that would have hardly impressed the Greeks.
I like the word “Comrades” here. Loyalty. Sacrificing.
Scenario. Your friend is having financial difficulties - would you give money to them?
For Philia love - absolutely (depending on the situation).
Scenario 2: Your friend’s car needs repair. Can your friend borrow your car for a couple of days? Sure, again, depending on the situation. I’m retired, and there are times I really don’t need my car every day.
In both of these scenarios, I know the person, I am loyal to the person, I “philia” lovee the person.
Scenario 3: On a street corner is a man in a wheelchair with a sign “Anything helps”. Do I give them money? I am reluctant - this person is not a “comrade” to me. Is this person going to take my money and buy alcohol or drugs, or use the money to get food or shelter.
If I was better on this, I’d put up my antenna to see if this person is really needy.
3. Ludus, or playful love (one of my friends thinks I flirt too much)
While philia could be a matter of great seriousness, there was a third type of love valued by the ancient Greeks, which was playful love. Following the Roman poet Ovid, scholars (such as the philosopher A. C. Grayling) commonly use the Latin word ludus to describe this form of love, which concerns the playful affection between children or casual lovers. We’ve all had a taste of it in the flirting and teasing in the early stages of a relationship. But we also live out our ludus when we sit around in a bar bantering and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing.
4. Agape, or love for everyone
The fourth love, and perhaps the most radical, was agape or selfless love. This was a love that you extended to all people, whether family members or distant strangers. Agape was later translated into Latin as caritas, which is the origin of our word “charity.”
C.S. Lewis referred to it as “gift love,” the highest form of Christian love. But it also appears in other religious traditions, such as the idea of mettā or “universal loving kindness” in Theravāda Buddhism.
There is growing evidence that agape is in a dangerous decline in many countries. Empathy levels in the U.S. have declined sharply over the past 40 years, with the steepest fall occurring in the past decade. We urgently need to revive our capacity to care about strangers.
In the next few weeks, we will be looking at AGAPE love. The “highest form of love.
Saying “I love you”, and “I love peanut butter” use the same word in English - but I love you - is probably using Agape love, and I love peanut butter - maybe Phila love.
5. Pragma, or longstanding love
The use of the ancient Greek root pragma as a form of love was popularized by the Canadian sociologist John Allen Lee in the 1970s, who described it as a mature, realistic love that is commonly found amongst long-established couples. Pragma is about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance. There is in fact little evidence that the Greeks commonly used this precise term themselves, so it is best thought of as a modern update on the ancient Greek loves.
The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on “falling in love” and need to learn more how to “stand in love.” Pragma is precisely about standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a third of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation in the first 10 years, we should surely think about bringing a serious dose of pragma into our relationships.
6. Philautia, or love of the self
The Greek’s sixth variety of love was philautia or self-love. And clever Greeks such as Aristotle realized there were two types. One was an unhealthy variety associated with narcissism, where you became self-obsessed and focused on personal fame and fortune. A healthier version enhanced your wider capacity to love.
The idea was that if you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give others (as is reflected in the Buddhist-inspired concept of “self-compassion”). Or, as Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”
The ancient Greeks found diverse kinds of love in relationships with a wide range of people—friends, family, spouses, strangers, and even themselves. This contrasts with our typical focus on a single romantic relationship, where we hope to find all the different loves wrapped into a single person or soul mate. The message from the Greeks is to nurture the varieties of love and tap into its many sources. Don’t just seek eros, but cultivate philia by spending more time with old friends, or develop ludus by dancing the night away.
Moreover, we should abandon our obsession with perfection. Don’t expect your partner to offer you all the varieties of love, all of the time (with the danger that you may toss aside a partner who fails to live up to your desires). that a relationship may begin with plenty of eros and ludus, then evolve toward embodying more pragma or agape.
The diverse Greek system of loves can also provide consolation. By mapping out the extent to which all six loves are present in your life, you might discover you’ve got a lot more love than you had ever imagined—even if you feel an absence of a physical lover.
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Yes, I copied a lot to get a foundation of love terms from the Greek. For the next weeks, I’ll be looking at AGAPE love.
LOVE WINS (that is Agape Love - the highest form of love)
LOVE TRANSFORMS
Karen Anne White, February 21, 2025
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