Retirement Coaching - #3

Retirement Coaching - #3

I’ve been looking at Retirement Life Coaching.  Generally, the areas to be looked at are Spiritual, Mental, Financial, Social, Physical (including health), and Family (see yesterday’s blog for details).

Today, I’m going to look at a fictitious example.

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I am working with a couple - Jason and Nancy.  (Loosely based on people I know)

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Jason has been an executive within a major international kitchen product company.  He was at least mid 6 figures (500,000 and up) and with bonuses, he normally was over $1,000,000 of income a year.  

Nancy has worked some, but with Jason’s moves (including Hong Kong), she mostly did volunteering. In the past ten years (with Jason working out of the home office in Dallas Texas), she has volunteered and visited their children and grandchildren.  When each of their five grandchildren was born, she stayed at least a month with the family to help in those early days of parenting. 

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In retirement, Jason wants to play golf at least three times a week.  He has been on too many planes and doesn’t want to travel much.  About all the traveling he is looking forward to is a month in Colorado in the winter for skiing.

In retirement, Nancy wants to see and stay with each of their three children (and five grandchildren).  [She loves being “Nana”].  In terms of traveling, she wants to take the Rhine River Cruise and then spend a couple of weeks in Germany, the Czech Republic, Austria, and Switzerland exploring her family roots.  

She is actually looking forward to Colorado for a month in the winter as she would stay with their son’s family in Aurora while Jason skis. But Jason wants to stay in the mountains - probably Vail - instead of Aurora so he can hit the slopes in the morning, instead of driving from Aurora. 

Jason is okay with the Rhine River Cruise, but he would rather be in France in July and watch as many stages of the Tour de France Bike Race.  

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Nancy would prefer to be home in Southlake Texas - a nice (white/safe) suburb of Dallas.  She especially wants to be home in the spring to plant flowers. Jason is okay with that, as he can play golf.

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Several years ago when Jason was traveling to Hong Kong frequently for his business, he had an affair.  He confessed it, but Nancy occasionally worries about that experience and being able to trust Jason. 

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Jason likes to play golf, but he does have high-blood-pressure and has been diagnosed as “pre-diabetic”.  Meanwhile, Nancy does aerobics, Zumba, and does daily workouts at the Southlake Fitness Center.  Jason does have a pot-belly, and Nancy is fit and trim.  Nancy also goes to the Salon every other week to get her hair (and sometimes her nails) done.  

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Jason doesn’t go to church, thinks it is full of hypocrites.  Nancy goes - more as a “social Christian” - to be seen and see her friends.  She helps with the coffee and donuts after the service where people gather. 

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So  - this couple has come to me, six months into their retirement.  Nancy is frustrated with Jason as she wants to travel and see other places and their family and Jason want to play golf.  Jason is frustrated and Nancy doesn’t want to do things with him.  He’d be happy if she would try to play golf with him.  But, he is enjoying the “19th hole” and hanging out with his golf buddies and having a drink or two (or three or four or five). 

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As a Retirement Life Coach, it is now my turn.  Let’s assume I’ve talked with Nancy separately; and then Jason separately - and now have them together.

What might you suggest?

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My answers:

I would start with the travel issue.  Karen wants to travel (Rhine River Cruise, visit Europe and visit family); Jason has traveled so much for business in his life he doesn’t want to travel.  

I would ask them to talk about this with me in the middle (I am not suggesting anything, but listening).  I would ask about compromises - maybe the Rhine River Cruise in late June/early July.  It seems as if funds are not an issue - maybe they could find another couple to go with them.  Jason might have somebody other than Nancy to talk to.  Maybe the guys could go to the Tour de France for a few days while Nancy and her friend could go some German exploring.  

This would lead into the social area.  Do they have a couple that they like and would like to build rapport with?  It would seem that having other senior friends might help them get over their frustrations as it might be a couple where the husband golfs and the wife volunteers or does yard and flowers.  This might also expand into other couples they would be comfortable with.

I didn’t hear about how they are challenging themselves mentally.  I would like to hear them speak about that area of their retirement life.

There was mention that Nancy seems to work out and take care of herself, but that Jason has a pot-belly.  I might ask him about his weight.  For a first visit, I would be careful not to push the issue, but to explore it just a little.

The family seems to be more important to Nancy than Jason.  I might ask him about that.  Are any of the grandchildren old enough to play beginner golf with him?  Or beginning skiing? 

I would not discuss spiritual issues too deeply on the first visit.  I might ask if there was a group where they could both volunteer together.  (In my area there is a group that runs a thrift-resale shop and also a food pantry.  It seems like the men take in and help sort the donations and the ladies like working in the shop and food pantry.  It might help if they found something they could do together.

Might there be social groups for both of them?  Two senior centers I know have senior dances.  Might that be an option?  Other senior centers play cards, or bingo, or other games.  I sense they have not discussed senior options they could do together.  

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What do you think?  For a first session might this be of value to this couple?  Do you sense some “Retired Husband Syndrome” in this couple?  Do you sense “Gray Divorce” with this couple?

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Hugs!!

Karen

Retirement Life Coach - number 2

Retirement Life Coach - number 2

I have been thinking I could be a good retirement life coach - (see last week's blogs) and I want to do additional analysis.

Life Coaches / counselors / mentors look at five (or six) things. Spiritual, mental, financial, social, physical, and family.  

As a person or couple approaches retirement, they need to examine their goals, and themselves.  What is important to them?  

• Spiritual aspects of their lives
  I tend to look at things through a “Judeo-Christian” viewpoint - but, be it “God” or “The Force” or some other spiritual approach, what are you living for?  Where is the “value” in your life?  I tend not to ‘preach’ - but to love (and share God’s love).  And, as a senior, I am closer to death - what might I need to think about with death around the corner.  As somebody said “Now that I am older, I think about the “here-after” a lot.  As I want into a room, I have to ask myself “What am I “here after”!!  (humor friends!!)
  
  

• Mental. 
  How is our mental health?  Are our brains active?  Can we still think? But, also, are we challenging ourselves?  Are we “stretching” our brains?  Are we thinking “outside the box”?  Are we expanding our comfort zone - or shrinking it? This also can be done with some games and puzzles.  I’m playing chess and bridge - I do a variety of logic and spatial puzzles to keep “mentally sharp”.  This really does apply to our retirement years.  As my brother-in-law says “I’m retired, I don’t need to think!!!  People do get depressed - and I think more so these days with COVID-19 - and we need to work on mental health.
  
  

• Financial.  

• This is also a “biggie” area for seniors.  I think of this as a ‘race’ - will I run out of money before I run out of life?  How much money will I need for retirement?  Some spend more than others, some start to hoard and become miserly and cheap.  Do I set money aside if I end up in a nursing home?  “You can’t take it with you!!”  If you have excess funds, how might you share with others?  Do you have favorite charities?  (Aside, I hope to have funds that I can leave to my children and grandchildren but also finance scholarships for deserving students). How much insurance do I need to carry?  Finances can also be an issue with families - inheritance, wills, people who prey on seniors with scams and fears. 
  
  While all these areas are separate, they also overlap.  Leaving a will for your descendants is financial, but also related to family, social, physical, and health.  Have you given a “power of attorney” to an appropriate person? 
  
  

• Social -
  Do I get out and socialize?  Do I have friends?  In this time of isolation, do I call people, and do people call me?  Do I do some online chats or other communication?  I am doing two online Bible Studies where I can see and interact with people.  Again an area of our senior lives that needs to be encouraged - isolation is so negative on us as social beings!!
  
  Fortunately (mostly anyway), we have such great tools to keep in touch with old friends.  I email some people I rarely see frequently.  I see Facebook pages of old friends, former students, and others from the past years.  Yes, you need to be cautious with some social media (I sense I have people who have ‘friended’ me on Twitter that are potential scammers.
  
  

• Physical -
  Yes, the truth is “I am dying” - we all are dying!!  It might be today, and it might be 30 years from today.  I need to take care of my body.  I walk a lot.  I am fortunate that I live in a community with a great recreation center - where I can walk in air conditioning.  I also try to do stretches and try to lift some weights.  Another area of being physical is in the kitchen - how do I eat?  What nutrition am I getting? Am I sitting too much in front of my television?  Or sitting too much by my computer?

• Family

• This could be part of the social area, but I think family is more important than just one aspect of socialization.  If you have become estranged with family over the year, this is a good time to work on reconciliation.  There is a scripture “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”.  While that is for today - don’t go to be bed angry, that is also for death.  Be reconciled before you die.  That also goes both ways.  I have two friends whose father abused them.  Yes, the father was wrong, but don’t carry that hatred in your heart.  Find him, forgive him.  For him, it might be a releasing of an old terrible mistake (and, we all have made our mistakes) and for them, it was a ‘wonderful’ releasing of love which conquers hate.  I Peter 4:8 says “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.”

Let’s think about death for a few seconds.  Yes, someday we all will die.  On our deathbed, nobody says “I wish I would have spent more time at the office”, no, most people say things like “I wish I would have spent more time with my family”.  

Retirement is “post-prime time”.  You have left the rat race.  This time is for you.  Relax, but also grow as a human being.  Volunteer, share your ideas.  Help others.  Find things that you enjoy.

Tomorrow (and I think the rest of this week, I am going to “practice” being a Retirement Life Coach with scenarios and discussions.  Hopefully, the concepts will cause you to think of your current or upcoming retirement.  The big question - what is important to you in the areas above? 

Hugs!!!

Karen

Sunday Funday - July 12, 2020

Sunday Funday!!!

Hey Blog Readers!!

Sunday is when I throw some miscellaneous stuff together - stuff that I have found interesting and you might too!!

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Karen Memes: 

I was only slightly familiar with a “meme” - until the name KAREN - became a meme!!

Get’s get the definition:

“A meme is an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by non-genetic means, especially imitation.”

“A humorous image, video, piece of text, etc., that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.”

Karen is now a meme for a  “Rude-Middle-Aged-White-Woman”

https://www.lifehacker.com.au/2020/05/how-karen-became-the-name-for-rude-middle-aged-white-women/

From that link (lifehacker.com) we have this:

“Karen is a mocking slang term for an entitled, obnoxious, middle-aged white woman. Especially as featured in memes, Karen is generally stereotyped as having a blonde bob haircut, asking to speak to retail and restaurant managers to voice complaints or make demands, and being a nagging, often divorced mother from Generation X.”

Even CNN has joined in:

“And many have. A "Karen" is generally defined as someone who throws a tantrum at a Starbucks. Who asks to speak to the manager over the slightest inconvenience. Who uses tears to get what she wants. It's also someone who calls the police on black people for, say, asking that they leash their dog in Central Park.”

“The term has people divided. Some have said it's sexist. Others say it's a placeholder for speaking about the casual racism and privilege exhibited by some white women.”

And, the name “Karen” has lost its popularity.  “Just look at baby name data from the Office of Social Security. Between 1951 and 1968, the name "Karen" saw its peak -- sitting pretty in the top 10 for the most popular baby name in the US.”

“But in 2018, the most recent year available, "Karen" was ranked at 635th in most popular names, quite the fall from grace.”

As you know, I haven’t always been “Karen” (and I don’t think I’ve ever been “a Karen”!!!)  I like the concept that “Karen” “Kares” (or “cares”).  

I’ve read there is a male counterpart to “Karen” - and that is “Ken”!!

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I’ve read how COVID sufferers have had weird dreams.  In this WebMD article, we have: 

“In fact, since the coronavirus pandemic pressed pause on our lives, America’s time asleep has jumped nearly 20%. But instead of waking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, you might end up feeling, well, somewhat bug-eyed. Vivid dreams about bug attacks top the list of crazy COVID-19 nightmares,”

Hey - that’s a good reason to keep wearing a mask and staying isolated!!!

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How about food deliveries? “60% of U.S. consumers order delivery or takeout once a week. 31% say they use these third-party delivery services at least twice a week. 34% of consumers spend at least $50 per order when ordering food online. ... 59% of restaurant orders from millennials are takeout or delivery.” 

DoorDash is leading the way with 44%

UberEats is in second with about 23%

GrubHub is in third with about 22%

(Uber just bought PostMates for $2.65 Billion)!!!  

Wow - I’ve been missing out.  (As a single woman, I rarely eat out - and I make almost all of my meals - and, I am ‘frugal’ (aka ‘cheap’)).

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Hey - do you have a home security monitoring system?  Homeland Security has this information:

“Researchers have used data from a major home Internet Protocol security camera provider to evaluate potential privacy risks for users. The researchers found that the traffic generated by the cameras could be monitored by attackers and used to predict when a house is occupied or not.”

So - I am potentially more at risk by having a security camera!!! 

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• Are you moving soon?

• Here is data about moves within the United States:

• Top cities people are moving from: NYC, San Francisco, and Chicago.

• Top cities people are moving to Austin, Chicago, and LA.

• Some of the most popular intercity moves NYC to LA, San Francisco to Austin, NYC to Austin, NYC to Denver, LA to Austin.

• Texans: Get ready for an influx of Californians and New Yorkers.

Hey - don’t move to Austin!!!  We have enough traffic already!!!

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How about a puzzler?  What is unique about the city of “Stamford Connecticut”?  (in terms of directions - N, S, E, W)

What is a “perfect number” (hint - has something to do with factors)

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How about some upcoming “National Days of the Week”

July 15th - National Tapioca Pudding Day!!  (I love tapioca pudding!!!)

July 13th - National Different Colored Eyes Day!!  (I remember a student in South Dakota who had two different eye colors!!!)

July 17th - National Tattoo Day!!  (I’m not sure I am ready for a tattoo yet - do you have one?)

July 19th - National Ice Cream Day!!  (I think I WILL celebrate that day)!!

And, an international day of renown - July 14th is Bastille Day - with the storming of the Bastille prison in France - the start of the French Revolution. And, almost every year at this time, I watch the Tour de France annual Bike Race!! I think it is amazing that these riders go maybe 140 miles a day up and down mountains, and get up the next day and do it again. No wonder Lance Armstrong needed a little "help"!!!

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Puzzler answer:  If you go directly North, directly South, directly West - and (surprising enough) - directly East from Stamford Connecticut you will end up in the State of New York!!!

Perfect number - where all the factors of the number add up to the number:  6 is a perfect number (1 + 2 + 3 equal 6).  Which of these are perfect numbers? 12; or 16 or 28 or 32?

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Have a great week!!!

(And, if you don’t I will want to talk to the manager!!!)

Hugs!!

Karen

Saturday Story 3C - Finished

Saturday Story 3C - finished

Last week, Anne Biggs went back to Enid Oklahoma when her Mom fell and shattered her hip and got a hip replacement

Anne offered to take Mom into her home

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I had thought about the choices for Mom and had prayed about the options.  I just couldn’t see Mom staying in Enid Oklahoma - about 7 hours drive from my sister Linda in Leander Texas and myself is Georgetown Texas.  Yes, there was Jared, our brother outside of Dallas - but his family was younger (and - let’s be honest, he wasn’t going to be a good caretaker of Mom. Mom needed a “Mom” for her!!)

I talked with Mark, my husband, and our two daughters, Dyana and Bethany, and without a lot of coercion agreed that Mom could live with us.

I had reflected on how many diapers Mom had changed when we were babies, how many concerts, games, and activities she attended when we were growing up, and how many prayers she prayed for us.  I was at a point where I could retire without a great loss in my retirement income, we had a room in our house (kind of - since it had been Dyana’s room). 

We moved her to Georgetown when she was released from the hospital.  I had arranged for residency in Wesleyan Woods rehabilitation center for a couple of weeks - and I visited her for long periods most days and Linda also came over from Leander after her school days and on weekends.  The staff there helped her walk with her new hip and to use a walker.  Her dementia was growing I thought, but she was also in a new location with new people and a new hip.  She did recognize Linda and me.  After three weeks, Wesleyan Woods dismissed her and we moved her into Dyana’s old room at our house.

Meanwhile, Mark and Jared had gone to her house in Enid and brought back some furniture.  They brought things that would be familiar to Mom - her bed, her favorite chair, some pictures from her house, photo books, and some clothes.  

It wasn’t quite “home” for her, but it was enough to make her comfortable.  We even painted Dyana’s bedroom to match the color of her bedroom in Enid.  

I wish I could say the next two years were all joy, but they weren’t.  As her dementia worsened, she was generally a nice person, but occasionally would have tantrums and bad dreams.  (Hmm - I remembered a few of my tantrums and bad dreams when I grew up).  Eventually, her body deteriorated and she wore adult diapers and I had to change her diapers.  It wasn’t fun, but it was my mother.  On the good days, we would walk a little in my neighborhood and we would talk while the television was on.  She liked going to church with us and she sometimes sang the old hymns (although the words might not have been quite correct). She knew the girls a little and Bethany, in particular, liked taking Grandma to events at school - in the early days at least.  

Occasionally, Mark would get frustrated as I spent more time with my mother than I did with him - and I didn’t blame him for that.  Weekends were the best when Linda came and stayed with Mom - and Mark and I occasionally went away for a day or two.  We took her to Port Aransas and she liked sitting on the beach and dipping her toes into the water.  

And, like the ways of the world, she slowly failed.  The conversations were not as good; the recognitions were not as good.  Sometimes I was Anne, sometimes I was Linda, and sometimes she didn’t recognize me at all.  Sometimes for no reason, she cried.  Sometimes she didn’t eat - especially when I made things I knew she liked.  

But as my mother had loved me - in my early years and really throughout life - I loved her in these last two years of her life.     

In the last few months, she was in hospice care and a hospice nurse came to the house once or twice a week, and then in the last few weeks, the nurse came every day.  One day after a visit, the nurse said “Your mother is failing quickly and may not last another week”.  Jared came down and spent a couple of days with her, her other grandchildren visited.  On her last night, it seemed like God had whispered to me “this is the end, show your love to your mother.”  Linda and I sat with her and about midnight, she died.  

Yes, it was traumatic, yes, it was tough.  We had to change the carpets from her “accidents’.  But, I wouldn’t have changed it.  The woman who had nursed me and cared for me my whole life allowed me to care for her (as well as DIDN’T allow me to care for her!!).  

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Friends - this has been fiction - but fiction based on some facts and on some understanding.  My parents lived in an assisted living facility and my sister visited them every day.  

In times past, I visited some of the elderly from my church.  Some never had visitors - except me or other visitors from the church.  Some hadn’t ever married and didn’t have children and no one to be there during those last dying days.  

And, at age 72, I know I am not going to live forever.  What does God want me to do for my senior friends?  What do I want people to do for me?  

I know we are all different and at different stages in our lives - but I suggest that maybe we can care and love our parents and others more as they age and die.  (RP) mentioned that he and his wife just moved his parents into senior living.  It is not an unusual situation.

I have said we are to “LOVE”, “LOVE WINS” - and LOVE begins at home with your family!!  The Ten Commandments say “Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you”.  This commandment has a promise - that YOU may live long.

Next week, another story - but for this week, think of your loved ones, think of those who don’t have a family to love them, think of those with COVID and are dying - and share some LOVE with all people!!

Hugs!!

Karen 

Retirement Life Coach - part I

Retirement Coaching

Hi friends!!

I have an interest in being a retirement coach.  I think those who are retired and those who are not retirement both have an interest in this material.  So, for the next several days, I am going to write as if I was a real retirement coach.

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A recent phenomenon is “life coaching”. To me, “life coaching” is like being a counselor without a master’s degree in counseling.  I have been a ‘coach’ pretty much all my life.  I have an e-book (available on Amazon:  “Bring it on: Coaching and Mentoring For College Students”.  I have a second e-book (also on Amazon) “Rebooting:  Creating the Change and Career you Seek”.  In my 38 years as a professor, I enjoyed mentoring and advising students.  I have gotten feedback from several students on how I helped them.  

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What is coaching?  Online I found this: “Coaching is more performance-driven, designed to improve the professional's on-the-job performance. Mentoring is more development-driven, looking not just at the professional's current job function but beyond, taking a more holistic approach to career development.”

Oprah Magazine gives this information: ““Life coaching focuses on what's happening right now, what a person wants next, and how that gap can be bridged,” explains certified coach Jane Scudder and founder of leadership development firm The New Exec.”

“Helping people to identify the obstacles that keep getting in their way, assisting them with finding motivation, and pinpointing any resistance to change. A life coach is a broad term. You can also find business coaches, executive coaches, leadership coaches, and health coaches, but a life coach is typically most helpful when you’re thinking about your overall future.”

Taking that one step further, “Retirement Coaching” is about helping people to identify what is ahead in retirement and to help prepare individuals and couples for retirement.

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So - for the next few blogs - I am “Dr. Karen White, Retirement Coach”.  

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The first time in my retirement coaching is to get to know my clients and build rapport with them.  I will want to know what makes them “tick” and how I can help them achieve the best retirement for them.

I have an intake form that starts me on discovering their goals.

Name: _____________________

Age: ___________

Address: ___________________

Email: _____________________

Phone: ____________________

Marital Status: ______________

Retirement Status: ___________ (currently retirement, retirement in the next year, in the next five years)

What you did before retirement (job, family, volunteering)

Assuming financing, health, and reasonable physical shape, what are your retirement goals (at least five major goals you have)

What passions do you have? 

How long do you see yourself living?

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First Session will be in three parts:  Part A - meet with the wife (if in traditional marriage); then Part B - meet with the husband, then Part C meet together with both wife and husband.

Why do I want to meet the couple separately?  One spouse might want to travel and the other doesn’t want to travel.  If they are talking about this together, the one with the ‘biggest’ voice may dominate the discussion and I want both parties to be equal. 

[Aside: While this is not marriage counseling, it will need some aspects of marital decision making.  Did one spouse dominate the plans and decisions?  Example - did one spouse always want to go to the ocean for vacation and the other to the mountains or traveling and the one who wanted the ocean almost always got his or her way.

Think of the old “Newlywed Game” show - where each spouse was asked questions about the other - which generally got a lot of laughter.

Maybe one spouse was an executive who was used to making decisions and now is not in an ‘executive role’.  Think of the “Retired Husband Syndrome”].

In the separate sessions, as a retirement coach, I want to know each one of the partners and understand their goals.

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After the two separate sessions, the couple comes together jointly to discuss the initial (separate thoughts).  There will be ground rules.  Each person gets time to present their thoughts without interruptions by the other spouse.  Then the other spouse will get time to share their thoughts.  As the retirement coach, I will be writing these on a whiteboard attempting to find overlaps and common interests. 

After the first round, the other spouse will have the opportunity to ask for clarification and more depth on the first person’s goals and expectations. 

[Aside - from my 20s - I had a vague idea of retirement.  Retirement was going to be like heaven.  I could lay around, just enjoy life, let the clouds drift by.  I was going to play golf every day (even though I didn’t really like golfing).

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The real underlying purpose of this first session is communications.  As couples go through life - in their own careers and their own goals they grow apart.  And, the communication skills that were built in the dating days, and early days of a marriage slowly erode.  If this marriage and retirement years together are going to be happy - the couple must communicate deeply and fully!

More on Retirement Life Coaching on Monday!!!

Hugs!!

Karen 

Retired Husband Syndrome - part III

Retired Husband Syndrome - part III

(Built on previous links)

Please note - the opinions are generalizations - there are many retired couples having the best time of their lives.

The academic research into “Retired Husband Syndrome” points to the suffering of the wife.  One of the basic articles (from Japan) stated:

“ For older Japanese, the husband’s retirement can be so difficult that experts estimate as many as 60% of wives of Japanese retirees suffer debilitating physical symptoms. These health problems, now known as “Retired Husband Syndrome” include stomach ulcers, slurring of speech, rashes around the eyes, growths in the throat, palpitations, tension headaches, and depression as well as “agitation, gas, bloating, muscle aches, and other symptoms of stress,” 

Those poor wives!!!

BUT … what is going on in the man’s life?  Speaking for one (former) man, I was depressed and with about three stressors (one from my wife - who was also stressed with me) led me to the brink of death.  Again, for many men, their jobs are “their life”.  Sure, these men are bugging their wives and following them around like puppy dogs.  They are “fish out of water”. Without a job, they perceive their lives as pretty much over.  So, they take on a new job - a job they said ‘yes’ too 30 or 40 or even 50 years before - “to have and hold, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health, until death parts us” - and they are going to be the “knights on the white horse” saving and protecting their wives by sticking close to them!!

 

This is where a “certified couples retirement relationship life coach” might come into play - actually like a marriage counselor.  The reality is that what retirement is to be is very different in the husband’s brain as compared to the wife’s brain.  He might be seeing travel and she is seeing time to finish her sewing and craft projects.  He might be picturing lots of socializing - and she is thinking that she wants to be alone.  

The two need to sit down and discuss their plans - maybe separately with the retirement relationship coach - then jointly with the coach.  There may be things that the wife wants in retirement, but doesn’t want to share directly to her husband (especially in more traditional settings - where the man assumes he is “boss”.  (Aside, there might be some ‘toxic male’ in the husband such that the wife is hesitant to share her ideas, dreams, and thoughts!!!)

So, why not divorce?

That is a real possibility.  One article suggested the while the overall population divorce figures are about the same or even slightly lower, ‘grey divorce’ is on the rise.

“Divorce is one of the most challenging parts of anyone's life, but sometimes it is inevitable. The social stigma surrounding divorce has gradually diminished over the years, but it hasn’t led to an overall increase in divorce except among people over 50. The question of why grey divorce has been increasing can be best answered by analyzing the aspects of life that affect long-term marriages.” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/margueritacheng/2019/02/26/grey-divorce-its-reasons-its-implications/) 

Finances are frequently at the heart of divorce.  In the case of seniors/retirees money can be a huge mountain that must be crossed barefoot, in the snow in winter!!!  “What if we live into our upper 80s and run out of money?” Not an issue that anyone wants to solve!!  

Another big issue is health.  What if one spouse gets dementia or Parkinson’s or other major illness.  (What if one of the spouses gets COVID-19)!!!  

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So, ‘ah retirement’ becomes a quagmire of issues and miscommunications.  My wife asked me to leave our house four times prior to her demand that I move out.  We needed a certified couples retirement relationship life coach!!  Unfortunately, we each had our own coaches - I had a social worker (who diagnosed me as “gender dysphoric” and she had a conservative minister (who said Satan was entering into me)- maybe we should have put them in the room at the same time to work out our lives in front of us - maybe ala “Kramer vs. Kramer”!!

As you know, I am a proponent of love, forgiveness, grace - and God.  Our divorce papers have been drawn up, I am not contesting the divorce and I do still love my wife.  But, her point is valid “She’s not the man I married”!!! 

*****

1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 

I Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

*****

Love wins - love wins - love wins!!!

Hugs!!!

Karen 

Retired Husband Syndrome - part II

Retired Husband Syndrome - part II

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1021891/pdf/westjmed00182-0112.pdf 

Wives suffer 'Retired Husband Syndrome' - The Local

I started looking at this yesterday and I have my own thoughts on it.

There are gender roles - and this hits home.

Men:

As a former man, my value/my worth was based on my job.  I enjoyed my job - immensely.  It was a job with accolades.  My students liked me, I had publications, I was recognized in my field, I traveled on somebody else’s money, I was (excuse my ego) - a “big deal”.

Men have jobs.  Men get satisfaction from jobs.  Men know what the job entails and fulfill that expectation.  Especially up to retirement time.  Men (generality) know that about age 60, they can’t be jumping around in their jobs,  Although it is “illegal” to discriminate on the basis of age, it just kind of ‘happens’.  Employers want to hire somebody that will stick around for the long haul.  Employers don’t want to hire (and train) somebody for just a few years, but somebody in their 30s - with some reasonable experience, some good ideas, and, at least in theory, will be with the company for 20 to 30 to 40 years.  To hire a person in their 60s means that they probably will give ten years to the company at the most (generalization, of course).

The old expression - Man works from Sun to Sun, but women’s work is never done is appropriate. Traditionally working men in the 40 to 70 that worked 8 to 5 (or some similar shift), came home after work, sat in their recliner, and watched the news while expecting their wife to have dinner on the table soon.  

Women:

Let’s look at two types of women:  those mostly working or being at home; and those that are employed.

The women who worked at home (sometimes known as “homemakers”), have been molded by society to be the man’s servant.  These ladies do the laundry and housekeeping.  They cook, they shop, they clean.  From the days of infants in the house, most women - after carrying the baby for nine months, now continue to care for and nurse the child.  The encouragement to breastfeed has grown as research suggests that breast milk is better for children than formula.  So, for the first year of their lives, babies are more frequently with their mothers.  Even as children go to school, it is generally the mothers who set out the clothes for the children and do more interaction with them.  Meanwhile, dad is off at his job - so the family can afford the minivan or SUV.  And, so the kids can have piano lessons, and go to summer camp and be in organizations.  Like most men, I thought I had a great marriage - I made the money and my wife spent it!!!  

But, the homemaker’s job is never done.  If there is a sick child in the middle of the night, the wife tends to the child (because the husband needs his sleep so he can go to work and ‘bring home the bacon’). 

Working Moms.

The routine is slightly different for working Moms.  Frequently as the kids go off to school, they are going off to work.  Some employers will allow some flex times for moms.  Or, Moms get up, get the children dressed and going and drop them off at school or at daycare.  But, at the end of the day - Moms are still working - making dinner and doing the laundry and cleaning into the evening.  (Yes, these are generalizations, I tended to do the laundry - and some men do more cooking and cleaning).

Retirement:

The man comes home - retired!!!  How many years has he been looking forward to retirement - it is the ‘promised land’.  Put in your hours and some day - some day - some day - you will reach retirement - the utopia and payback for all those years getting up at 5:30 and trudging off to work.  His dreams might be that he will play golf three or more times a week, maybe he will join his retired buddies and play poker.  He buys a new fishing pole - maybe even a new boat.  This is going to be good.

It is a problem of expectations and reality.  He gets tired of playing golf after a month or two. His buddies are not much fun at poker - he loses money and loses interest.  The fish just don’t bite like he remembered as a kid.  And, the lady goes her own way.

There are a lot of cartoons - here is one:

Like many men, once my job ended - my ‘life’ ended.  I wasn’t needed anymore - I didn’t have any value.  I was worthless.  I was in the way.  

So, the man just gets ‘in the way’ at home - and drives his wife mad!!

More tomorrow!!!

Hugs!!!

Karen