Retired Husband Syndrome - part II

Retired Husband Syndrome - part II

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1021891/pdf/westjmed00182-0112.pdf 

Wives suffer 'Retired Husband Syndrome' - The Local

I started looking at this yesterday and I have my own thoughts on it.

There are gender roles - and this hits home.

Men:

As a former man, my value/my worth was based on my job.  I enjoyed my job - immensely.  It was a job with accolades.  My students liked me, I had publications, I was recognized in my field, I traveled on somebody else’s money, I was (excuse my ego) - a “big deal”.

Men have jobs.  Men get satisfaction from jobs.  Men know what the job entails and fulfill that expectation.  Especially up to retirement time.  Men (generality) know that about age 60, they can’t be jumping around in their jobs,  Although it is “illegal” to discriminate on the basis of age, it just kind of ‘happens’.  Employers want to hire somebody that will stick around for the long haul.  Employers don’t want to hire (and train) somebody for just a few years, but somebody in their 30s - with some reasonable experience, some good ideas, and, at least in theory, will be with the company for 20 to 30 to 40 years.  To hire a person in their 60s means that they probably will give ten years to the company at the most (generalization, of course).

The old expression - Man works from Sun to Sun, but women’s work is never done is appropriate. Traditionally working men in the 40 to 70 that worked 8 to 5 (or some similar shift), came home after work, sat in their recliner, and watched the news while expecting their wife to have dinner on the table soon.  

Women:

Let’s look at two types of women:  those mostly working or being at home; and those that are employed.

The women who worked at home (sometimes known as “homemakers”), have been molded by society to be the man’s servant.  These ladies do the laundry and housekeeping.  They cook, they shop, they clean.  From the days of infants in the house, most women - after carrying the baby for nine months, now continue to care for and nurse the child.  The encouragement to breastfeed has grown as research suggests that breast milk is better for children than formula.  So, for the first year of their lives, babies are more frequently with their mothers.  Even as children go to school, it is generally the mothers who set out the clothes for the children and do more interaction with them.  Meanwhile, dad is off at his job - so the family can afford the minivan or SUV.  And, so the kids can have piano lessons, and go to summer camp and be in organizations.  Like most men, I thought I had a great marriage - I made the money and my wife spent it!!!  

But, the homemaker’s job is never done.  If there is a sick child in the middle of the night, the wife tends to the child (because the husband needs his sleep so he can go to work and ‘bring home the bacon’). 

Working Moms.

The routine is slightly different for working Moms.  Frequently as the kids go off to school, they are going off to work.  Some employers will allow some flex times for moms.  Or, Moms get up, get the children dressed and going and drop them off at school or at daycare.  But, at the end of the day - Moms are still working - making dinner and doing the laundry and cleaning into the evening.  (Yes, these are generalizations, I tended to do the laundry - and some men do more cooking and cleaning).

Retirement:

The man comes home - retired!!!  How many years has he been looking forward to retirement - it is the ‘promised land’.  Put in your hours and some day - some day - some day - you will reach retirement - the utopia and payback for all those years getting up at 5:30 and trudging off to work.  His dreams might be that he will play golf three or more times a week, maybe he will join his retired buddies and play poker.  He buys a new fishing pole - maybe even a new boat.  This is going to be good.

It is a problem of expectations and reality.  He gets tired of playing golf after a month or two. His buddies are not much fun at poker - he loses money and loses interest.  The fish just don’t bite like he remembered as a kid.  And, the lady goes her own way.

There are a lot of cartoons - here is one:

Like many men, once my job ended - my ‘life’ ended.  I wasn’t needed anymore - I didn’t have any value.  I was worthless.  I was in the way.  

So, the man just gets ‘in the way’ at home - and drives his wife mad!!

More tomorrow!!!

Hugs!!!

Karen