Retired Husband Syndrome - part III

Retired Husband Syndrome - part III

(Built on previous links)

Please note - the opinions are generalizations - there are many retired couples having the best time of their lives.

The academic research into “Retired Husband Syndrome” points to the suffering of the wife.  One of the basic articles (from Japan) stated:

“ For older Japanese, the husband’s retirement can be so difficult that experts estimate as many as 60% of wives of Japanese retirees suffer debilitating physical symptoms. These health problems, now known as “Retired Husband Syndrome” include stomach ulcers, slurring of speech, rashes around the eyes, growths in the throat, palpitations, tension headaches, and depression as well as “agitation, gas, bloating, muscle aches, and other symptoms of stress,” 

Those poor wives!!!

BUT … what is going on in the man’s life?  Speaking for one (former) man, I was depressed and with about three stressors (one from my wife - who was also stressed with me) led me to the brink of death.  Again, for many men, their jobs are “their life”.  Sure, these men are bugging their wives and following them around like puppy dogs.  They are “fish out of water”. Without a job, they perceive their lives as pretty much over.  So, they take on a new job - a job they said ‘yes’ too 30 or 40 or even 50 years before - “to have and hold, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health, until death parts us” - and they are going to be the “knights on the white horse” saving and protecting their wives by sticking close to them!!

 

This is where a “certified couples retirement relationship life coach” might come into play - actually like a marriage counselor.  The reality is that what retirement is to be is very different in the husband’s brain as compared to the wife’s brain.  He might be seeing travel and she is seeing time to finish her sewing and craft projects.  He might be picturing lots of socializing - and she is thinking that she wants to be alone.  

The two need to sit down and discuss their plans - maybe separately with the retirement relationship coach - then jointly with the coach.  There may be things that the wife wants in retirement, but doesn’t want to share directly to her husband (especially in more traditional settings - where the man assumes he is “boss”.  (Aside, there might be some ‘toxic male’ in the husband such that the wife is hesitant to share her ideas, dreams, and thoughts!!!)

So, why not divorce?

That is a real possibility.  One article suggested the while the overall population divorce figures are about the same or even slightly lower, ‘grey divorce’ is on the rise.

“Divorce is one of the most challenging parts of anyone's life, but sometimes it is inevitable. The social stigma surrounding divorce has gradually diminished over the years, but it hasn’t led to an overall increase in divorce except among people over 50. The question of why grey divorce has been increasing can be best answered by analyzing the aspects of life that affect long-term marriages.” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/margueritacheng/2019/02/26/grey-divorce-its-reasons-its-implications/) 

Finances are frequently at the heart of divorce.  In the case of seniors/retirees money can be a huge mountain that must be crossed barefoot, in the snow in winter!!!  “What if we live into our upper 80s and run out of money?” Not an issue that anyone wants to solve!!  

Another big issue is health.  What if one spouse gets dementia or Parkinson’s or other major illness.  (What if one of the spouses gets COVID-19)!!!  

*****

So, ‘ah retirement’ becomes a quagmire of issues and miscommunications.  My wife asked me to leave our house four times prior to her demand that I move out.  We needed a certified couples retirement relationship life coach!!  Unfortunately, we each had our own coaches - I had a social worker (who diagnosed me as “gender dysphoric” and she had a conservative minister (who said Satan was entering into me)- maybe we should have put them in the room at the same time to work out our lives in front of us - maybe ala “Kramer vs. Kramer”!!

As you know, I am a proponent of love, forgiveness, grace - and God.  Our divorce papers have been drawn up, I am not contesting the divorce and I do still love my wife.  But, her point is valid “She’s not the man I married”!!! 

*****

1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 

I Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

*****

Love wins - love wins - love wins!!!

Hugs!!!

Karen