TUESDAY, MAY 3, 2022, FAMILY II

 TUESDAY, MAY 3, 2022, FAMILY II

Today's picture is again from a cup.  It is the family reunion from seven years ago.  There were eleven people in this picture.  This time there were eight people at our gathering.  One has died, one left the family through divorce, and one opted not to attend.  

This week I’m looking at family relationships, especially looking at estranged relationships and healing. 

Scenario 1:

Your daughter, now in her 30s, stopped talking to you after you and she had words over finances, a good 10 years ago. You've reached out to her several times since the dispute, eager to mend fences and get your relationship back on track. But your voice mails have not been returned. You feel heartbroken, angry, and helpless. ( Done With the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, by Sheri McGregor.) 

Scenario 2:

Your father was a real jerk.  As a teenager, he disciplined you by spanking with his heavy belt.  You tried to avoid him, but immediately after graduating from high school, you moved in with your grandmother.  You went off to college and he did help support you financially.  

It has been ten years now, you are 28 and married with a son and he has reached out to you to see you and his grandson.  He did walk you down the aisle when you married.  He has apologized profusely for his behavior when you were a teenager.  He has taken an anger management course and seems to have his behavior and actions under control.

Scenario 3:

A friend called you “weird”, and you’ve decided to drop her as a friend. She has called and emailed but you have chosen to ignore the phone calls and delete the emails.  The friend is sorry and would like to be a friend.  

Scenario 4:

You are retired, and you and your wife decide to divorce.  It seems as if miscommunication has occurred in the divorce discussions.  Your children and grandchildren have not communicated with you for four years.  

Scenario 5:
Two sisters have not talked for two years.  One says “It was all her fault”, and the other says “It was all her fault”.  

*****

There are many forms where people can become separated - and estranged.  Frequently one (and sometimes even both) sides want to reconcile but the messages are getting lost or not delivered.

"I never imagined that my own child could reject me,” says Sheri McGregor of Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. “Yet, one of my five children cut ties with me and his entire family. It's emotionally devastating and something no loving parent expects or is prepared for."

“Experts agree that there seems to be an increase in separations between adult children and one or both of their parents. One survey of more than 800 British adults who self-identify as partly or fully estranged from one or both parents found that it's more often the adult child who initiates the separation. The study reported that more daughters than sons initiate breakups. Further, more mothers than fathers are estranged from their adult kids. Estrangement from fathers, however, lasts longer: an average of 7.9 years, compared with 5.5 years from mothers.

While the survey found that a sizable majority of adult kids don't expect reconciliation, some parents see glimmers of hope and believe that, with the right approach, they can find a way back into the relationship. But there are right ways and wrong ways to handle a possible reconciliation.”

Okay - an increase in separations - is not good; the adult child initiates the estrangement, and it can last for years.  

Sheri McGregor has some Do’s and Don’ts 

Do handwrite a note or leave a brief voicemail.

Do approach the situation lightly.

Do reach out infrequently but authentically.

Do apologize.

Don't text or email.

Don't get into a big explanation.

Don't allow silence to take over.

Don't plead your case.

Sheri McGregor adds:

“"...don't let the estrangement define you or your life." "Help yourself now and you'll be better prepared if or when a reconciliation comes..."

*****

(Okay, time to throw in some scripture)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

(And, probably too famous, but still worthy of reviewing:)

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I say “LOVE WINS”.  If you are a parent with an estranged child - love them unconditionally!!  If you are a child with a parent who is unlovable and unloved - love them unconditionally!!!

More tomorrow!!

Karen

May 3rd, 2022