MONDAY, MAY 2, 2022, FAMILY I

 MONDAY, MAY 2, 2022 FAMILY I

In the top row are Earl (aka "Uncle Earl"), Helen (my mother - the oldest), Leah ("Aunt Leah" - second oldest), bottom row (Stella - my Grandmother, George D (the baby), and George A - my grandfather)

I’m writing this from Surprise Arizona while on a trip to visit my family.  Surprise is a “Sun City/Del Webb'' city.  My sister and brother-in-law moved here last summer.  (Aside - from moving in July from western Michigan to HOT ARIZONA must have been a challenge!!)

This morning I’m sitting on their patio - it is about 62 degrees (the desert gets cool at night) and it is about 6:30 in the morning!!!  It should get to 95 this afternoon!!  My sister/brother-in-law’s backyard has trumpet vines in bloom and LOTS of hummingbirds.  There is only a very slight breeze currently.

Both in the Austin/Georgetown area and in this area, there are many age 55 plus residential units.  This particular unit has something like 9,000 houses (plus some condos).  They have several golf courses, clubhouses, pools, and oodles of activities.  

I am here with my sister(77)/brother-in-law(77), my eldest cousin (78) and his wife(74) from Arlington Virginia, my second oldest cousin (74)  and his wife(69) from Washington State (Olympic Peninsula), and my youngest cousin (69) who is living in Mexico.  The last time we were together was seven years ago - and (gasp) we are all seven years older!!!.

As you can expect we are talking about aging, plus throw in some discussion about their children (and grandchildren), their political, religious, and societal views.  

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I want to spend a couple of days this week writing about families, aging, and life.  

Growing up, my mother’s side of the family was very close and my father’s family was not as close.  So this week I’m with my mother’s side of the family.  Many of my father’s family ended up in Washington State, while my mother’s family stayed in the upper midwest (Iowa and Illinois).

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So, families.

“Blood is thicker than water”.  Families have been the cornerstone of society.  As you know I have a Judeo-Christian perspective.  Family fights go back to Cain and Abel - supposedly the first children in the world.  Cain kills Abel and then asks God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”.  

Jacob and Esau were twins and Jacob stole his brother’s birthright.  Jacob had twelve sons and the elder sons sold their youngest son (Joseph) into slavery in Egypt.  

King David had many wives and many children.  Tamar is the daughter of King David, and sister of Absalom. Later, she is raped by her half-brother Amnon.  Absalom tries to kill and overthrow his father as King.

SO - why can’t we get along?  

*****

Modern situations:

Friend A is estranged from her son (and his family).  She doesn’t see pictures of grandchildren, sends Christmas and Birthday cards, and gets no response.

Friend B's sisters are estranged from one of their sisters.  They have shunned her and cut her out of their lives.

Friend C was estranged from one of her sisters for twenty years.  (They have since made up).

Friend D is estranged from one of her children and family.

***

Even this family who is gathering this weekend was estranged from one of our cousins.  He died five years ago and three of us drove to his funeral - and (gasp) found out he was a good person, loved by many in his community.  His problem was an alternate lifestyle.  He was gay.  

This cousin was active in community theater, music, a fraternal lodge, and other community groups.  (Yet, the rest of us ignored him).

 *****

So, for the next three days, I’ll be looking at families, estrangement, and love wins!!

Karen’s axioms for starting reconciliation:

First axiom:  You can only change one person - yourself.  You can try to encourage, scold, praise, or berate your children (or parents) in an attempt to get them to change.  But - you can only change you.  You must believe in yourself.  “I CAN” change.  Willpower is the requirement.  You must bend your will to change.

Second axiom:  If you want to reconcile, you must be positive.  You must practice unconditional love.  Sometimes it must be tough love.  The spouse of one of my cousins was talking about her brother who was addicted to drugs and was homeless.  She (my cousin’s wife) did a lot to get her brother into a rehab facility.  And, now, years later, he is a happy person and loves life.

Third axiom:  The past is past - unless there is an overwhelming reason to bring it up, DON’T!!  Have a fresh start - wipe the slate clean.  DON’T preach, don’t point out flaws.  LOVE!

Fourth axiom:  Agree to disagree, but avoid controversial topics.  If you have political differences - DON’T talk about politics!!  If you have religious differences - DON’T talk about religion.  

Fifth axiom:  Find common ground.  What activities might you and your estranged family member (or friend) do together?  

Sixth axiom:  Walk a mile in their shoes (or two miles, or a thousand miles)l  Understand the differences.  Understand that your estranged relative has taken different paths than you have.  

Seventh axiom:  Forgive, forgive, forgive

Matthew 18:21-22: “Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone[i] who sins against me? Seven times?”

 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”

(Just keep forgiving).

*****

More tomorrow!!

LOVE WINS!!

Karen