HURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023 CONFESSIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL, JUDGMENTAL, MISOGYNIC, WHITE PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART IV

 THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023 CONFESSIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL, JUDGMENTAL, MISOGYNIC, WHITE PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART IV

I’m writing this in advance.  If all is going well I should be home from my camping/hiking trip to Big Bend today!!!

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Easter 2019 came.  I had been jumping through hoops - I moved out, attended Celebrate Recovery, living as a man.  I asked my wife if we could have Easter Dinner together and she said “I CAN’T”.  I can’t - 46 years of marriage down the drain.  

Those two words rang in my ear -   I CAN’T    

There wasn’t an explanation of why we couldn’t have dinner together.  Did she have other plans?  Did her minister/counselor suggest that our marriage was over - and that she COULDN’T even have Easter Dinner with me?

I talk about LOVE WINS.  But, if there is any hate left in me, I hate the phrase “I CAN’T”. 

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Within a week of that breakdown, I bought a wig, got my ears pierced, bought lots of clothes at a thrift shop, and started on gender-changing hormones. Enough of being pushed, it was time to be myself - and see really what it was like to live like a woman.

That is a good unofficial day for the mental transition - Easter 2019.

In February 2020, I officially changed my gender status and my legal name

In May 2021, I had “bottom surgery” to change my body part to a vagina.  (Can I say I love my vagina - I love being a woman!!!) 

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So, how does one change their gender? First and foremost must be documentation from at least two counselors and two medical doctors that the person suffers from gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is debilitating.  

I was living 100% (with one exception - see below) of my life as a woman.  My finances were tight.  My wife divorced me and then asked me to pay for it. She kept the house and the good car and took my individual retirement account (IRA) - which at one point was valued about $750,000.  She got about 1/3rd of my South Dakota Retirement and wanted half of my social security.  (Social Security didn’t allow that).  That pushed me into more depression.  I had to use the local food pantry to get by for about three months.  Gender dysphoria and depression.  Divorce had NEVER been in my plans.  I had made a vow to love, and cherish, for better or worse, in sickness and in health until death parts us.  I had never cheated on my wife (except maybe in looking at porn and in the unconscious state of sleep.)

And, the exception to my transitioning:

I was to be honored at the 50th-year reunion of my college graduating class.  I debated going as Karen White or as Bruce White.  My classmates and friends wouldn’t know me as Karen White, so I opted to go as Bruce White. 

That was super depressing and really added to my gender dysphoria.  I sat in my hotel room for three nights - but did go to the honor dinner.  At the dinner, the current president gave us a new diploma that we had satisfied the requirements for a good and meaningful life (so what).  When I needed a restroom I wanted to use the ladies' restroom - but didn’t.  Why was I wearing those ugly clothes (at least I had my panties).  It was an expensive trip that put me deep into depression.  I did learn, I need to be me, and I need to be authentic.

And, I went to a soccer game at the local college.  I wore shorts (it was still hot weather).  I looked down at my hairy legs - and my gender dysphoria went off the charts.  I hadn’t shaved my legs.  A lady would NOT have hairy legs. (My brain was working overtime and working negatively - “That was stupid Karen.”)

I wrote a note to my wife saying “I have no purpose in the world, and the world would be better off if I were gone.”.  I was suicidal.  I had at least two ways to end my life.  Two blocks away is a bridge over Interstate 35.  If I timed my jump just right, I could fall to the roadway about the time an eighteen-wheeler would arrive and run over my body.  Or I could be on the edge of a high-speed highway and at the last second run out in front of a car.  Quick.  I didn’t have a gun and didn’t want a gun.

Within an hour, two policemen were at my door and took me to a mental health hospital. 

I spent four nights at that mental health hospital because of wanting to kill myself.  I had to face some tough decisions - continue to live without my family, not seeing my beloved grandchildren and children.  Any long-range plans for traveling in retirement were put on hold since I was on a tight budget.  

I went back to my apartment - ready to make my transition work.

I was put back on a stronger antidepressant.  I do get negative thoughts even now.  (I find if I take a nap, my mind resets and I can be happy again.)

Was I going to quit life - or fight my way through it?  I found some friends who helped me over the hurdles.  

And, I have found the fight - and the light.

I AM A WOMAN - HEAR ME ROAR.  I LOVE BEING A WOMAN.  I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME.  

Tomorrow I am writing about my spiritual lessons in becoming a woman.  I do not want to go back.  (the next should be in the smallest font available - I might consider it only if I could have access to my grandchildren.  In effect I would “sell my soul” to be Papa again - that is such a huge mountain to climb and I’m pretty sure I would pass on that option.  I BELIEVE that reconciliation will occur someday.  I pray daily for that.  (God - do you hear me?  And, I hear an echo in my brain - “Yes, I hear you”.  Be patient, my child!!!

LOVE DOES WIN

LOVE TRANSFORMS US

KAREN ANNE WHITE, ©, APRIL 26, 2023