MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2023 - CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, MISOGYNIC, JUDGMENTAL PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN) - PART i

 MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2023 - CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, MISOGYNIC, JUDGMENTAL PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN) - PART i

DISCLAIMER:

(Wow - this must be something else, Karen generally doesn’t put a disclaimer in her blogs.)

First - I am out of town this week.  Today, I am driving to Big Bend National Park in a remote area of Texas.  It is over seven hours of driving.  (For my South Dakota Friends - it is like driving from Sioux Falls to the Black Hills).  I did part of this drive a few years back and there was one stretch that had a highway sign “No Gas, No Service, Next 76 miles”.)

Second - I am writing about myself - and my “conversion” (Christian), and “conversion (Gender).  We are all unique people (and I know that I am unique).  What I write is my experiences and definitely are unique to me (or so I think). 

Third - I may mention specific denominations and experiences.  I am NOT speaking for them (or against them).  They are my experiences.

*****

FIRST A LOT OF BACKGROUND
I grew up in a fantastic Christian family.  Two wonderful loving parents, and a fantastic big sister.  With my family, I attended Church and Sunday School every week.  Church and family were my life (well - plus school). If we traveled (which we didn’t do much), we attended Church and Sunday School - so I could keep my perfect attendance.  (Lost is my perfect attendance pin for twelve years for Sunday School!!!).  Off to college, church was still part of my life.  Yes, I was a bit of a nerd. 

This was in the 1960s (I graduated from high school in 1965, and college in 1969).  I did listen to rock and roll and grew up with the Beatle's “I Want to hold your hand”, “All you need is Love”, and “Hey, you’ve Got to hide your love away”.  I didn’t get into their counterparts - the Rolling Stones - “Let’s Spend the night together”,”Satisfaction”, and “Who wants yesterday’s Paper, who wants yesterdays’ girl” - that was too carnal. Free love - love and drugs - San Francisco, Woodstock, were all around this midwestern boy.  (And, I wanted some love, I wanted to be somebody.)

 In 1973, I became “Born Again” (the evangelical term for a conservative conversion).  I became kind of a “Jesus Freak”.  And, throw in the concept of being a Spirit-Filled Charismatic/ Pentecostal and I was “farther right than Attila the Hun”. I started being a good Bible reader (“Bible Scholar” might be too strong of a term, but I have memorized verses and I read through the Bible every year.  I got married in 1974, had two children, and was teaching in Keokuk Iowa - and not making much money.  As a conservative male, I didn’t want my wife working outside the home.  She had enough to do with two young children, Steve in 1976 and Becky in 1978.

Somewhere along the line, I read a pamphlet “The Spirit of Truth and The Spirit of Error”.  This pamphlet described how some non-Christian groups tried to disguise themselves as Christians - notably Mormons, and Jehovah's Witnesses. Real Christians followed correct doctrine - and fully believed in the Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

AND - I became judgmental.  I “KNEW” who was going to heaven and who wasn’t and who was on the fence (because I was part of the elite??? (nah?)).

That pamphlet was the undercurrent of my life for years.  When I taught, I “knew” who was okay and who wasn’t.  (I didn’t let it show - or I didn’t think I did)

In the 1990s as the Internet became real, I taught an Internet coding class (before code generators).  One of my students had created a homepage that had a link “You must be twenty-one to go here”.  (I was way over 21 - so I clicked).  It took me to Playboy (or Playboy.com).  Well, that was nudity.  Was there more?  Soon I was wasting hours following pornographic leads on the internet - and some of those leads made Playboy look like a kids' magazine.  I was addicted.  Ouch.  

How do you get out of that pornography addiction?  I needed accountability.  I didn’t want to confess that to my great friends in my Baptist men’s Bible Study.  I didn’t want to look weak.  So (throwing the baby out with the bath water), I became a Catholic - so I could go to Confession!!!  [There were some other factors - such as John 6. “Yes, I am the bread of life! I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.”]

I didn’t quite get over porn, but it was much better.  I didn’t like going to confession with my parish priest and telling him (who was now a friend) about my failures so I found other parishes to go to confession)!!!

*****

MY CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN VIEWS ON MY JOB.

I was Dean in South Dakota and then later the Department Chair in Connecticut.  One of our functions was hiring new faculty.  There was a well-qualified lesbian who applied and I steered the discussion away from her in favor of another candidate.  Likewise, there was a Muslim lady - who taught for us for one year and I didn’t like her - both of these people were going to hell - and I KNEW it!!!

(And, maybe a bad follow-up to my conservative Christian views was that my children learned the same things!! OUCH!!)

And, on September 11, 2001, my views were affirmed as radical Muslims flew into the World Trade Center.  (And, one of the airplanes was piloted by the father of one of my students that I had a few years later)

*****

On the surface, I was a good professor, fair, honest, friendly, and outgoing.  I was the faculty advisor to the Pep Band and an advisor to a Fraternity (and even went on a few bar crawls with them!!!).  And, in my Catholic parish, I sang in the choir, was a Eucharistic minister, and was President of the Parish Council.

*****

Then I became GRANDPA!!  Forget all the other stuff - being GRANDPA was the best “job” I ever had.  I cried such happy tears holding Leah and Abby for the first time.  Years before driving past Washington Elementary School in Madison South Dakota, I prayed for GRANDCHILDREN. I loved them so much.

Well, Grandpas need to be close to their grandchildren, so we moved to Texas.  And, I wasn’t quite ready to retire, so I taught at the University of Texas for three years.

<KAPOW> 

That is the sound of the two-by-four slamming into me (only figuratively).  Also, the sound of the ton of bricks falling on me, being run over by a Mack Truck and then a steam roller.  

Somehow God got inside my hard head.  Some of my best students at UT were NOT Christians.  I had two outstanding Muslim students.  One had family members in Lebanon and that family was caught up in the Civil War there. She was diligent and smart and she loved and was concerned about her family back home.  I had Hindi students, Chinese students, Japanese students, and (of course) Texas students from evangelical backgrounds, Catholic backgrounds, and more.  AND THEY ALL WANTED A DEGREE TO START THEIR ADULT LIVES.   My worldview was crumbling

And - who was I to judge?  Only God can judge.  My exterior was okay, but my mind was a simmering pot ready to boil over.

And … it did boil over (in a unique way).  

****

 Oh, My!!!

I like to limit my blogs to two (and maybe spill over to three) pages.  And, if I want to keep this reasonable, I will continue tomorrow and all this week.

*****

LOVE WINS

LOVE TRANSFORMS

KAREN ANNE WHITE, ©, APRIL 24, 2023