TUESDAY, APRIL 25, 2023 - CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, JUDGMENTAL, MISOGYNIC, PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART II

 TUESDAY, APRIL 25, 2023 - CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, JUDGMENTAL, MISOGYNIC, PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART II

(The following was written a few days ago)

I’m in Big Bend National Park. I slept in a tent last night and I’m hiking and exploring today. 

 The National Park is fairly full.  I thought it would be easy to get a campsite, but seemingly I got one of the last places.  Seemingly, Big Bend National Park gets hotter than blazes in the summer - so people visit before May 1st.  If all goes well, I’ll be home late tomorrow (Wednesday, April 26).

This week I am going very personal.  All statements and opinions expressed are my own.  

*****

EGO AND ME

From Philippians 3: “If anyone else thinks he may have confidence in the flesh, I more so: circumcised the eighth day, of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of the Hebrews; concerning the law, a Pharisee; concerning zeal, persecuting the church; concerning the righteousness which is in the law, blameless.”

I don’t want to write - but I think I have to.

In South Dakota, I chaired a national conference twice. I was the highest-paid professor at Dakota State University.  I was becoming a big deal.

Then I moved to Quinnipiac University.  I really became active in my profession.  I chaired my national conference two more times (prior to that, nobody had ever chaired the conference more than twice).  I helped write the standard assessment test for information systems, and I became an ABET Information Systems evaluator.  I became a member of the CAC - Computer Accreditation Commission and the CSAB - Computing Sciences Accreditation Board.  I wrote and delivered academic papers, I was published, and I was asked by colleagues to work and publish with them.  I was a consultant to programs wanting to be accredited.  I traveled for accreditation (even to Kazakhstan, and Puerto Rico).  I took students to Ireland (and in effect got two free trips to Ireland for myself).  I traveled to Belarus twice, the second time I spoke at the United States Embassy in Minsk.  I was on the Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award Commission.  

I received an Outstanding Teaching Award, and I was honored by students as the Best Professor of the Year.  I was on the faculty senate, on the campus accreditation planning committee, faculty advisor to the Pep Band, to the best fraternity on campus, and to the computer club.  

(And, you might say, I read my press clippings and my head swelled!!) 

I was on a big-time EGO TRIP.  I was a BIG DEAL (at least in my own mind!!!). When I retired I became a Professor Emeritus - a title indicating superior (maybe) accomplishments.

I kid when I say the facilities people had to widen my office door so my head would fit in.  

*****

So, the combination of being an egotistical, male, white, privileged, misogynic, conservative, and professor put me on a pedestal (or so I thought).  [What a joke Karen … I thought I was a big <blanking> deal!!!)

From a Mac Davis song:

“Oh Lord it's hard to be humble

When you're perfect in every way

I can't wait to look in the mirror

Cause I get better looking each day

To know me is to love me

I must be a hell of a man

Oh Lord It's hard to be humble,

But I'm doing the best that I can

**********

I WAS SMACKED.

The last thing I mentioned yesterday was being smacked by a two-by-four (no, that didn’t actually happen).  Here is that story.

I was in my last month of teaching (April 2016 - seven years ago).  My wife was in Nebraska to help our son/daughter-in-law with the triplet grandchildren. I was home alone.  I did the laundry and then “IT” happened.

“IT” happened.  As I put away my wife’s underwear, I wondered how it might be to have panties.  So, I put on a pair of her underwear.  BOOM - It was as if an electric shock hit me.  I've analyzed this five hundred ways.  They (like my underwear) were just fabric.  I’ve had fabric next to my skin since day 0 of my life.  It wasn’t even lacy, or colorful (a drab gray).  

It was the catalyst that took all the questions and angst from my brain into reality. 

How could this be?  I went to my computer and spent three hours researching to see if (a) a conservative Christian man could wear women’s underwear, and (b) was I some kind of pervert because I put on a pair of her underwear?

I slept in her underwear that night and the next day (a Wednesday and I didn’t teach that day), I bought five pairs of panties at Catherine’s (a store that was recommended by some in a forum called “He Wears Panties”).  I bought lacy, colorful panties with little thought.  (I learned later that thongs didn’t work well for me, and (at that time), Boyshort Panties didn’t work well).  

If mirrors could stop working after so many views, I would have surpassed my limit that day.  I saw the blue pair and looked at myself in the mirror, then the yellow pair and thought they were prettier than the blue pair, but then the green pair with the lace waistband was fantastic and went back through all of them.  Again it was just fabric - why did it affect me so?  Was it crossing some “taboo” point?  Was it a fetish?  Was it stupid?  Was it okay?

On the internet, I found that it was okay for men to wear panties.  There was also a group for “Men Wear Bras”.  That was a little too far out for me.  On the “He Wears Panties” site, there were lots of discussions - favorite pairs, favorite colors.  There was a HUG group (Hairy Underarm Group) - that was trying to shave their (male) hairy underarms. 

There were those that professed to be Christians and even Catholic Christians that were men that wore panties.  And, (gasp), there were some who were transitioning to being women.  That was pretty far out as well.  I had heard of that (and deep inside was interested).  What would it be like to be a woman?

When my wife returned I wanted to share my job in wearing panties.  I wanted her to be happy that her husband (me) was happy.  But, alas, it was kind of a benign acceptance.  

When I was on campus and needed the men’s restroom, I used a stall rather than a urinal, so I could feel the luscious panties.  When I was alone on a rarely used staircase, I could slide my hands in the back of my dress slacks and feel the panties.  

I found that I didn’t have to go to a shop for larger women, and soon bought panties at Walmart and Target.  Eventually, I got to maybe 60 pairs of underwear.  I liked Soma underwear with lace, and even bought some satin panties from Katie and Laura’s Fancy Satin panties!! 

(Aside: Katie and Laura say, “The most recent data shows that more than 10% of all heterosexual men regularly wear women’s Panties for sexual pleasure  Yay! It is wonderful to see times change and men become more comfortable wearing what they truly desire.  These studies also show that these men on average:  have higher IQs, make more money, are more successful, are more loyal to their wives/girlfriends, are much less likely to cheat, and are more heterosexually oriented than non-panty-wearing men.”).  See research does happen.

*****

An uneasy toleration existed between me and my wife.  I started to look at other topics on the Internet.

But, a detour first.

In my first year after retirement from the University of Texas, I didn’t like it.  Growing up, we had a neighbor who retired and within the first year of retirement had a heart attack and died.  I didn’t want that to happen.  

But, within a year, I had a major health issue.  I was running a blood pressure of 213 over 161 and with a pulse of 165.  “Normal” is kind of 120 over 80, and a pulse of 65.  I say I was running a firehose through my aorta - and was creating false channels (aneurysms) - and at any time the aneurysms could burst and I would be dead!!!  

I had a six-hour surgery to repair the upper part of my aorta.  My surgeon says I was lucky to be alive.  My heart was stopped and I was kept alive on artificial heart methods.  My body was cooled almost to a coma temperature.  I still have a major scar.  (A later surgery repaired the lower part of the aorta).

Coming out of surgery I was weak and I was depressed.  Here I was only a year before as a healthy retired professor, getting ready to spend his retirement with his wife and grandchildren, and now had to stop about 50 feet of walking to catch my breath.

I was still wearing panties.

And, I found my “happy place” in thinking about women’s things.  When my wife was out of the house, I tried on her dresses and skirts.  (And, I loved it - and she hated it).

Finally, I told my primary care physician that I needed counseling for my depression and thinking about women’s things.  And after a month, I had an appointment with a counselor. 

*****

Well, here we are - at the end of day 2 of my transformation.  I still have a ways to go.

LOVE WINS

LOVE TRANSFORMS

KAREN ANNE WHITE, ©, APRIL 25, 2023