WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2023 - CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, MISOGYNIC, JUDGMENTAL PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART III

 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2023 -  CONFESSIONS OF A EGOTISTICAL, MISOGYNIC, JUDGMENTAL PROFESSOR (WHO BECAME A WOMAN)- PART III

By the fall of 2017, I was really messed up.  Surgery had zapped me. I was depressed.  I never was depressed before this. I was almost always upbeat and positive- but that had changed.  I even walked around my classroom going “WOOO” and kicking backpacks!!!.  The truce between my wife and I was slowly ebbing.

I had too much free time (“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”).  And, I had a computer, so I searched for topics of interest to me.  There were so many videos of women who had transitioned from being men.  There was an interesting site - “The Transgender Channel”.  The professionals there had powerful videos about transgenders and transitioning.  I shared some videos with my wife.  (That didn’t go well).

I got a counselor for my depression and gender thoughts.  In the first session, she went through a series of diagnostic questions.  At the end of that session, she said “In my professional view, I see two diagnoses:  depression and gender dysphoria.” BINGO.

She told me she had a dress in her file cabinet.  I could change into that when I came to counseling.  I did it better and got myself a dress.  I hid it at home.  But, we had a doorbell that showed who was at the door.  She noticed I was wearing a dress.  So, I left it in my car trunk and then changed into the dress at a nearby park restroom.  And, when I got to the Mental Health floor of Baylor, Scott, and White Healthcare in Round Rock Texas, I USED THE LADIES' RESTROOM!!!

“Gender dysphoria,”  I remember several times of anxiety with gender dysphoria.  My wife and I were shopping at TJ Maxx one day.  I went through the lingerie section looking at panties.  Then I looked at the women’s clothes.  After shopping she berated me for looking for women’s clothes, and I cried - sobbed deeply.  I wanted love, I wanted understanding, and I wanted my wife to take an interest in me.  

She promised that I could buy something just to wear at home.  I considered myself kind of a home-bound crossdresser.

That promise wasn’t kept.  When she was out, I wore some of her dresses or tops.  Again, I wore out the mirror looking at myself.  

And, when I was out, I found I could buy things at Walmart and wouldn’t even get a raised eyebrow from Walmart employees.  Soon, I had a few tops, camisoles (that I slept in), a dress, and a lot of panties.

There were three times when I purged my women’s clothes.  She would push me into a corner “Get rid of those clothes or else”.  I didn’t have much, but I would take what I had to the thrift shop and donate it.  But, within a few weeks, I ‘just had to’ have some clothes, so I went back to the thrift shop and picked out some things.  Unhappy without my “things”, happy with my “things”.  

She pushed me into trying some other counselors.  One took my side as we did a joint session.  We were to have a list of positive affirmations about our spouse.  I had a poster board of maybe 70 Post-it notes of the many good things she did or was.  After a week, she had two affirmations about me - that I was a good teacher, and that I was a good provider.  (Hmmm, I was fairly slow catching on).

I bought cheap cosmetics at Dollar Tree - lipstick, eyeshadow, and nail polish (only for my toes that she wouldn’t see). One of my depressing days was when I took my bag of cosmetics and dropped it in the trash bin at McDonalds.  

So, a counselor supported me, and a wife against me.  

She got a counselor for herself - a conservative minister who had preached that LGBTQ people were evil and would be judged by God.  (That sounds like me from a few years earlier!!).  

One morning, she said, “You have to go away.  I need to think”.  So I took a three-hour walk in the neighborhood.

A few weeks later, “You have to go away, I need to think”. So I went to a neighboring town and got a cup of coffee and a sandwich at McDonalds.  She called and said, “I’m sorry, come home.  You can wear your women’s clothes at home one day a week”.

That promise wasn’t met either.  Then another, “You have to go away - and stay away for at least a night.”  So I did.  (But before I left the Austin area I bought a nice pair of women’s shoes and a nice pair of women’s jeans).  

Then, “You have to go away - stay away for a week.”  So, I went to an extended-stay hotel for a week.

And, then finally in October 2018, “You have to move out”.  

*****

And, thus since October 2018, I have NOT seen my daughter, my son-in-law, my precious twin granddaughters, my son, my daughter-in-law, and my precious triplet grandchildren.  I have been cut off from their Facebook accounts, and any emails or texts I send are blocked.  I have been shunned as a terrible sinner.

Comment - I’m a frugal person.  Our house was paid for, and both of our cars were paid for.  I was the breadwinner and I was being kicked out of my house. I thought I could move into a bedroom on the floor of our house (our master bedroom was on the first floor).  I could just stay out of her way.  But, no, I had to get out of HER house.  So I found an apartment and moved.  She was nice and picked out some dishes, pots and pans, and other kitchen gear for me, plus a bed and a dresser.  

At age 71 I was orphaned in reverse.  My family has crossed me out of their lives.

******

So, what do you do at age 71 - in a new community, not sure if I’m a woman or a man, not loved by anybody (other than my sister - who also has had doubts about me, but does love me)?

Well, I decided I needed to see if I could be a woman.  I had selected the name Karen White on the He Wears Panties forum, so kept it.  

I found Meetup Groups.  I tried one called Just for Fun for Seniors.  They played canasta - but they were in Austin.  I attended about four events - they were okay, but I was definitely the “odd man” out!!!

The other group I tried was the “Austin Lesbian Coffee House” - ALCH.  Every Wednesday morning they met for coffee and conversation at the Central Market Cafe in Austin.  I met some great ladies and seemingly they accepted me.  (I did have to agree NOT to have sex with males - after all these were lesbians.)  I met my good friend KW through the ALCH.

That lasted until the end of December 2018 when I agreed to a demand from my daughter (communicated through my wife) that the only way I could be reconciled was to go to Celebrate Recovery.

Our daughter got involved and INSISTED that I go through a conservative Christian program called Celebrate Recovery, and I faithfully attended that for four months - living as a man for all four months.  As part of that program, I had to stand up every week and say, “I’m a sinner, I’m thinking about being a woman”.  (The other men were confessing their porn, alcohol, or drug addictions.).  I was accepted.  I was a greeter (not unusual for me).  

I was jumping through hoops.  I have never been directly told while I have been shunned.  Seemingly if I did this Celebrate Recovery all could be forgiven and I could be restored.

*****

LONG ENOUGH FOR DAY III

LOVE WINS

LOVE TRANSFORMS

KAREN ANNE WHITE, APRIL 26, 2023