TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2023 - DEATH AND DYING AND WILLS

TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2023 - DEATH AND DYING AND WILLS

Yes, we are all going to die.  If you are going on a trip, you develop plans.  If you are going to die, shouldn’t you develop a plan?

Some apparent plans might include a will (or trust). Maybe finding a qualified friend or relative to serve as your executor, (not executioner!!).  Do you have assets?  How are you going to pass them on?  Are you going to give money and assets to charity (churches, organizations, foundations)?  I have an endowed scholarship at Dakota State University and my will specifies that some funds will go into the scholarship.  Since I’m not dead yet, I’ve been trying to put money into that account. Some students in the future may say “Thank you, Dr. White, I will try to make good on my scholarship funds.” 

Are you going to give money to your family?  Children, grandchildren?  Be sure to specify the amounts and giving.  (I’m trying to be fair to all five of my grandchildren.)

It seems as if nothing tears up a family more than a will.  I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she was to get a glass slipper from her grandfather’s will and didn’t get it, and that has been in her brain for years. She feels cheated by her brother and doesn’t speak to him. She also mentioned that her eldest brother tried to trick their mother to give him the family home.  

Some seniors seem to like to play games in their will.  Some give more money and gifts to select family members and ignore or slight other family members.  Do children of the original couple come off better than children from a second marriage?  (That is, stepchildren get slighted - or first children get slighted).  Maybe there are some reasons for favoritism in wills.  Child A visited her Mom (or Dad) and took care of her, while child B rarely visited her Mom (or Dad).  

Some try to get in grandpa’s good graces to come out better at the end-of-life distribution of wealth.  In my grandmother’s family which consisted of four women and one male, the male got ownership of the family farm, and the sisters got little.  Of course, for centuries before this, the eldest son inherited the land and the titles.  

Even Biblically, Jacob tricked his twin brother Esau to give away his birthright and blessing.  In my father’s family, the death of my grandfather (and some other issues), caused the family to split with the eldest four separating from the youngest seven children.  I never saw or met my paternal grandmother who moved away from the eldest of four children to a distant state.  Fortunately, I have been able to meet some of my cousins on the White side of my family and reconcile with them.  

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Aside - I say “Love Wins” and not “Money Wins”.  Material stuff (houses, land, possessions) are just “stuff”.  Better to avoid fights over ‘stuff’. (My opinion).  

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I know some families where the children (and sometimes grandchildren) are asked to pick out mementos that have special meetings to them as an attempt to avoid the in-fighting of “Grandpa (or Grandma) wanted me to get his coin collection (or whatever asset)”.  Like many things in life, communication is important.

It is easy to get biased in families.  Couple A grew up and always attended church denomination A; child X got married and attended a different denomination, and child Y got married and attended denomination A just like Mom and Dad.  Or one child remained a Republican (or Democrat) like the parents, while another child changed to the other major party.  

Or one child became lesbian or gay, and the other child remained straight.  

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Personal comment:  On my wall across from my desk, I have my own poster of Micah 6:8 “What does God expect of me but to love justice, show mercy, and be humble.”  What is justice?  Am I merciful?  

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For the past year-and-one-half, I’ve worked at a senior living facility.  Some of the patients end up in the memory care unit (aka - the dementia unit).  

I have heard of some families (or some individuals in families), wanting to put their parent(s) in a dementia ward, more out of spite than out of love.  Yes, in many cases the parents do have some form of dementia.  My friend AP couldn’t tell you anything about what she ate, did, or who she talked to yesterday.  But, she is sweet and not “too crazy”.  My friend LS tells me her parents are coming to visit her today (her parents are long dead).  My friend BS tells me that somebody is stealing things from her room - including stealing her Bible and daily devotional readings. (I went into her room to see if these had been stolen and were there in their normal places).  

With these thoughts, I go back to LOVE WINS.  I’m reminded of an ancient commandment to “Love and honor your parents”.  (Commandment #5 of the Ten Commandments).  

As parents age, and write their wills, they should pray over the will.  They should invite their families to pray with them and to discuss the will.  If a family has some religious values and greed is not a major part of it, the planning and discussion should go better than with acrimonious families.

Some Biblical injunctions:

Those who honor their father atone for sins; those who honor their father will have joy in their own children, and when they pray they are heard. Those who respect their father will live a long life; those who obey the Lord honor their mother. Those who fear the Lord honor their father and serve their parents as masters. In word and deed honor your father, that all blessings may come to you. Do not glory in your father’s disgrace, for that is no glory to you! A father’s glory is glory also for oneself; My son, be steadfast in honoring your father; Do not grieve him as long as he lives. Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him; do not revile him because you are in your prime. Kindness to a father will not be forgotten.

So, death, dying, and wills - planning for your parents.

There is a humorous adage:  Parents be nice to your children - they pick your nursing home!!

LOVE WINS - love wins in death and dying, honor your parents, elders

LOVE TRANSFORMS - from greed to generosity

KAREN ANNE WHITE, ©, APRIL 4, 2023