Why be vulnerable III

Why be vulnerable - part III

https://intentioninspired.com/why-i-choose-to-be-vulnerable/

This is my third day of being vulnerable.  I commented that it can be hard to be open. 

“3. Being vulnerable makes us strong and brave.

From the link:

“This is the paradox I was talking about earlier. We are taught to believe that strength precedes vulnerability, that we have to be strong before we are safe enough to be soft. But this is a backward way of seeing it.

“It's as if we are waiting for the world to approve of us before we let down our guard.

“But if we wait for someone else to make us feel safe and accepted before we open up and be our true selves, we'll be waiting forever.

“No one else knows our fear. No one knows our pain. Only we know what we need to hear in order to feel safe. We have to provide that comfort for ourselves.

The only thing we are truly afraid of is our own fear, our own emotions. We are afraid that the world could break us, so we wear more armor.

“But if we just go within and confront all of that emotion inside, all of those fears, there is nothing left to be afraid of. We've already dealt with the fear of rejection, and failure, and uncertainty. We've looked as these fears head-on and allowed them to pass through us. And this is how we KNOW how strong we truly are!!!
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To be vulnerable, we generally have to take the first step.  We have to control our fear of rejection.  

Yes, it is possible for another person to open up to us, but for me, I find that I need to make the first move.

Strength comes from weaknesses.  When we step out in faith, we open ourselves to the unknown.  It is a form of bravery - and maybe foolhardiness!!!  

But, let’s look at that rationally.  Let’s say I approach a person that I think could be a good friend - maybe like some of the players on the Granny Basketball team.  If I say “hi” and smile, it can break the ice. Maybe we can make some small talk while we are warming up - something easy like how long have they been playing Granny Basketball.  So far, nothing out of the ordinary.  

Maybe we get a smile back.  Maybe I can invite her for a cup of coffee. On my radar currently, I have four people I want to get to know better, but none have accepted my cup of coffee (yet)!!!

If that doesn’t work, if I sense a rejection, that’s going to have to be okay.  Vulnerable people (and me) don’t push themselves on others (that is for toxic people).  I can walk away and think “too bad that didn’t work out” - and drop it.

I have talked about my first ISECON conference.  I was impressed with the conference and the people but felt ill at ease.  At the gathering reception, after trying to make small talk that didn’t seem to go anyplace, I just left and went to my hotel room.  But, I didn’t give up. I nominated myself for the board of directors (they must have been desperate!!) and I got elected. That became a very valuable professional, and academic group - and a source of some of my best professional friends.  

I used the adage that a turtle only makes progress by sticking her neck out. There are times you need to reach across the aisle and become a friend and colleague.

Just a last comment as we will move forward tomorrow into more vulnerability issues. With my reading and research, I see the distinction between empathy and sympathy.  To be a friend, you need to care about the person, not just an acquaintance.  

We all have learned how to be sympathetic - put a serious look on your face, say appropriate words like “I’m sorry to hear about your father’s passing” and put a mental checkmark in your sympathy page. 

One source I read said this:  “The difference between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms is: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters. empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another, which is why actors often talk about it.”  Can I help carry the hardship and pain of my friend? As I write this, we are under quarantine conditions for the COVID-19 virus (coronavirus) which makes this harder for me. I am a hugger. I am a hand-holder. Empathy to me involves more than words, it involves a hug, it involves eye contact and really carrying!!!   

And, there is real empathy and fake empathy.  Body language will tell if you (or the other person) really care and really is empathic!!!

Well - enough!!!

HUGS!!!

Karen