Men and Shame

Shaming for Men

For the past few days, I’ve been looking at Brene Brown’s “Daring Great” book!!

I’ve looked at vulnerability - and now to shaming.

A quick review of shame from the book
-1 We all have it.  (Shame - until we are perfect (not on this Earth) we will do something wrong)

-2 We are afraid to take of shame

-3 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us.

Yesterday I did her list of shaming for women.  We are to be “Wonder Woman” - perfect in every way.  Today, let’s see what she says about “shaming for men”!!

-1 Shame is failure.  

Any place - at work, at the gym, in your marriage, in bed (** I definitely sense shame here, sorry Connie), In money.  With our children!

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I agonized over a lot of things.  Like too many men, work came first.  With the end of the semester student evaluations, I’d have thirty glowing comments and one negative one - and I would fret over that one negative one.  I was a failure. I could have 99% positive comments, but that last 1% would ‘shame’ me.  (Was I too picky?  If I was the man in the arena, I should continue my own life as I saw fit.

-2 Shame is BEING wrong - not just doing it wrong, but totally wrong.  

Men don’t (or can’t) separate the label of shame to one act (or class) from your whole being!!

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-3 Shame is a sense of being defective

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Men latch onto the concept that they are defective - and that can settle into their innermost being!!!   Like women, we are total failures.  It is hard to think of the “Man in the Arena” when critics (or even just one little negative comment) hit the target!!

-4 Shame happens when people think you’re soft.  It is degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough

-5 Revealing any weakness is shaming.  

-6 Our worst fear is being criticized or ridiculed - either one of these is extremely shaming. 

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Men are to be strong.  Brown says “Like the demands on women to be naturally beautiful, think and perfect at everything, especially motherhood, [men are trapped in a box -a shipping crate] - that has rules that tell men what they should and shouldn’t do and who they are allowed to be.  But for even rule comes back to the same mandate - Don’t be weak.”

Like the statement to women, “Don’t let them see you sweat”, to men, that phrase is “don’t let them see you weak or vulnerable.”

Okay, a personal story.  

I hated (and I don’t allow myself to hate) when my wife needed to call a service person for a little thing around the house.  “Bob” was the friendly (great) handyman.  A door didn’t quite shut right?  Call Bob!!  “I want a new shower head” - Call Bob.  The gate to the back yard is falling over - Call Bob.  (and … many more things).  The message was so obvious to me (and so hidden to her).  I was weak, I couldn’t do it.  I had no value.  Bob was the hero on the white horse on the platform, and I was the dunce sweeping the street under the monument (and not doing it very well I guess).  After my major surgery, I was ‘weak’ - both physically - and mentally.  That was shame and hurt so deeply.  And, I think (know) that that led to my shaming of my wife.

My past victories were wiped away since I now was a weak person.  

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Men - you have to rise above this.  Even if your spouse doesn’t appreciate you - at this moment in your life and marriage - you need to remember those times when she did.  You need to picture the wedding, the honeymoon, the holding (and tears of joy) of your first child (and your second and all); of your first (and second and all) grandchild.  

Men - rejection is extremely painful.  

Let’s finish today with a long quote from Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from the offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.”

“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them.”

“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.  Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed - and rare”

And, finally a historical story - from Aesop’s Fables:

“A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”

“So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

“So the Man ordered his Boy to get off and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

“Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. “The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”

“The Man and Boy got off and tried to think about what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle, the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:

“Please all, and you will please none.”

Men - Women - when we are “In the Arena” - we can take input and advice, but ultimately we have to be ourselves, be vulnerable, and be courageous.  We need to fight shame and become ‘real’!!

Hugs

Karen

(This one hurt - I’m sorry to be so vulnerable and open)