Women and Shame

Women and Shame (From Daring Greatly)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtx37MUTVBw 

Okay, I’m enthralled by Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly.  I’ve talked of the “Man in the Arena” - the one that does the job.  Not the critics, not the naysayers, not the onlookers - but that one that is a pretty easy target (like being President).

Before she gets to Vulnerability, she talks about ‘shame’.  Today I want to look at shame and women, then tomorrow to look at shame and men.

So, here we go

Women and Shame:

-1 We need to love perfect.  We need to do perfect.  We need to be perfect!!  Anything less than perfect is not enough.  

Comment to men - when your wife makes dinner and asks “How is it”, she really doesn’t want your critique.  She wants to be perfect in your eyes and anything less is ‘shaming her’.  

-2 Being judged by other mothers

You are not the same mother they are, or your mother was.  You are the mother in the grocery store trying to keep your five-year-old from sneaking candy or sugary cereal into the cart while trying to balance the budget and make nutritious meals.  Meanwhile, your baby starts to cry - for unknown reasons - and you are trying to quiet her.  And, on the edge of your vision you see mothers (and others) around you going “Tsk, Tsk - too bad she can’t control her children”.  

She is the woman in the arena at that point.  She is trying to cope with two kids in a grocery store (why didn’t her husband say he would take the kids so she can shop?).  Moms - you have been there, go over and give her a hug and encourage her!!!

-3 Being exposed

You think you are being judged on everything you do.  At home your husband is going to ask you where his missing sock is, your son asks where his baseball hat is, your daughter wants you to comb her hair and put in a French braid.

At work, the single women are looking at you - you are wearing the same top you wore last week (poor thing).  And, of course, the men and talking about you behind your back.  Not true, but you are already down and this doesn’t help.

-4 Never enough

Never enough at home; never enough at work; never enough in bed; never enough with his parents; and never enough with your parents.  Shame is ‘never enough”.  

You picture your “perfect” mother saying: “Buckle up, stand tall, you are better than that.  We didn’t raise you to be a slouch.  How come you didn’t clean the shower?  Why is the baby crying?”  (and maybe even “Why can’t you be like your sister?”

Brown identifies twelve shame categories:

-1 Appearance and body image

-2 Money and work

-3 Motherhood/fatherhood

-4 Family

-5 Parenting

-6 Mental and physical health

-7 Addiction

-8 Sex

-9 Aging

-10 Religion

-11 Surviving trauma

-12 Being stereotyped or labeled!!!

I can picture being shamed on any of these things - and compared and found “lacking”.  Let’s take religion just as an example.  “How come you missed church this week?”  or the other way around “You are just too holy, prim and proper - are you a nun?”

Or mental and physical health.  “You’ve gotten soft - you need to lift weights (or do aerobics or Zumba or something else”.  “How come you cry so easily?”

Yes, eventually we have to be vulnerable - but at the time, being shamed is harming us emotionally and even physically!!

Let’s finish by Brown’s three aspects of shame:

-1 We all have it.  (Shame - until we are perfect (not on this Earth) we will do something wrong)

-2 We are afraid to take of shame

-3 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us.

Shame leads us to think “We are not worthy”; “I’m unlovable”, “I don’t belong”.

(I’ve had all of these - and I’m guessing many of you have too!!!)

More tomorrow!!!

Karen