Looking at Shame - part I

A related side trip - to SHAME

I’ve been reading and thinking about Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”, and it seems that her research into vulnerability comes out of researching shame.

Chapter 3 in the book is “Understanding and Combating Shame”.

She writes about her twinkling lights: “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”.  

Shame is the dark.  We all have shame within us - even back to being kids or students.  She writes “In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame”.

In the workplace, shame can kill creativity.  We get on the treadmill of “pleasing, performing and perfecting”. We want to please our bosses, we want to please our spouses, we want to perform at top ability.  We do things that agitate us inside, but we are to be calm and serene on the outside.  (Some deodorant commercials say “...and don't let them see you sweat”.

In the Daring Great book, Brown quotes Peter Sheahan - and I want to paraphrase his statements here.

-1 Shame kills innovation.  We have a great fear of being wrong, and if we try to innovate and it fails, we can fall flat and be laughed at.  

-2 If you want creativity, managers have to be open and vulnerable.  Managers can’t be the “in charge” person and also can’t “know all the answers”.  

-3 When you fail, in most situations you get shamed (and, it sometimes comes from within - your attempts to please, perform and perfect).  Shame becomes fear - you don’t want to fail again.  Fear leads to avoiding potential risks and problems.  And avoiding possible risks kills innovation.

She goes back to her “Man in the Arena” speech by Teddy Roosevelt “.  Here is part of that speech:

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Let’s take an analogy.  In major league baseball, good hitters generally have batting averages of .333 (or higher) - that is they get a hit about ⅓ of the time.  Think of that - 2/3rds of the time they fail - they don’t get a hit.  I remember a friend who loved softball and was really a “Charlie Hustle” kind of player.  In the field, nothing got by him.  And, generally, at the plate, he would get a hit.  But, if he struck out, grounded out, flew out - he was a different person.  He would start negative talk to himself.  Quietly he would mutter “I’m not good.” and similar.  He made an out - and he is treating it like the end of the world.  That is SHAME.

Brown gives three parts to shame:

-1 “We all have it!!  Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions”

-2 “We’re all afraid to talk about shame”

-3 “The less we talk about shame, the more control, it has over us”.

Shame can be a real pain.  

Shame couples up with guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment.  And, it infects our self-worth.  “I screwed up” soon becomes “I am worthless”.  (And, as one who has gone down the line of not feeling worthy, that can lead to depression, misery, and even suicide!!)

I think the message I’m getting from reading Daring Greatly about being the Man in the Arena, and shame and vulnerability are important (at least to me).  So bear with me a few more days.  Then (by popular request), I have a couple of thoughts back in the coronavirus arena - especially directed to education!!!  (Thanks to Karl B!!)

Hugs!!

Karen

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