WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2021 THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2021 THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

Hi all!!!  I am writing this several days in advance.  I should be in the Phoenix area visiting my sister.  And, since I am trying to get a week ahead, I am “borrowing” (copying) somebody’s materials!!!

THANKSGIVING JOKES:

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately and is already stuffed

*****

Chad and Karen are driving home from Thanksgiving.

After a grueling time with the relatives, tensions are high when Karen suddenly points to a Starbucks and says she wants to stop for a latte.

 

“Chad, do you see that Starbucks?” 

 

“Yes I saw it, honey”. That was his answer.

 

Chad really wants to get home but pulls over anyway. Thirty slow minutes later she finally returns with her coffee.

 

Once back on the road, the car slams into a pothole just as Karen's taking a sip, and she spills coffee all over herself.

 

"Didn't you see that pothole?!" she screams.

 

"Yes, I saw it, honey," he says.

*****

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

 

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

 

[Aside - with my part-time job working with folks in their 90s - I hope their children can visit them for Thanksgiving and keep loving them!!!]

*****

Would you like some Thanksgiving leftovers?

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

*****

Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

*****

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?  It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

*****

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him, and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you sometime."

 

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

 

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple of things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

 

The man can't believe it.

 

The man answers, "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! The first concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

 

Naturally, they're both shocked.

 

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

 

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

 

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

 

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

 

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

 

*"It's a date!"*  (groan)

 

*****

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter during thanksgiving week?

Quack quack.

*****

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

*****

Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

 

*****

OKAY - two math jokes - see if you can translate (hint - the square root of -1 is “i”)

People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Σ π  (translation - I ate some [sum] pie)

 

***

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8   (I overate)

*****

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

 

*****

Okay!!!

 

Tomorrow is a special day for Americans.  Do take time to give thanks for your blessings - however you see and count them.  Call your parents (if you can); call your siblings (if you can), and DON’T go to your office today!!! <grin>

 

LOVE WINS!!!

 

Karen