TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021 - BEING MORTAL - INDEPENDENCE

 TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021 - BEING MORTAL - INDEPENDENCE 

I started yesterday looking at ‘end-of-life’ issues.  Some things I took from the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande.  

Let’s forge ahead.

So, when you retire, when you get old (I’m retired, but not old yet!!!) - how do you want to live?

Most people will say they want to live independently.  That is a change from maybe 100 years ago, where some children would stay and live with their parents into the parent’s senior years.   That also happened more with widows.

Uncle Rob (not to be confused with my Uncle Bob), died and my Aunt Selma moved in with her daughter/son-in-law.  That was the norm many years ago.  Even yet, some homes have separate mother-in-law apartments or separate mother-in-law houses on the main properties.  

Mother-in-law apartments are (in my opinion), a great option for one person - and especially for an elderly single person.  The person (we’ll just say a woman - a mother of one of the people in the rest of the house) lives mostly independently.  That person can eat with the family and do things with the family, but also can be very independent.  For example, the mother can go to her church group, her sewing circle, her book club, her bridge group.  She is independent - but for other things, she is part of the family.  

If a grandchild is playing in a concert, sporting event, play, whatever, the mother can go to the activity with the rest of the family.  But, if she wants to go out with her friends for dinner, she can.  She is an independent woman but under the same roof.  

There are advantages and disadvantages.  The mother can babysit if needed.  The mother can pass on family lore, history, and values.  The mother can be a source of wisdom in the house.

But, the mother can also be bossy and look over the shoulder of her daughter/daughter-in-law and tell them how to run their house and how to cook.  She can be the source of irritation between the son and daughter-in-law (or daughter and son-in-law).  Just think of your mothers - would they be welcomed in your house?  Or think of your mother-in-law - would they be welcomed in your house?  Some seniors can be demanding and hard to live with.  

For the senior person, they have some independence but they also have some structure - and protection!!!

One of the big problems for seniors is falling.  Our bones get brittle, our equilibrium and balance fail.  Lack of regular exercise can lead to weak legs (and other muscles).  And it can also be that some medications can affect our balance (or even low blood pressure).  If a senior living alone falls, it might be some time before they can get to a phone.  A senior in a mother-in-law's apartment might be able to call out and get help easier.  

 

Independence is a valuable concept to a senior.  Let’s assume a senior couple. (And, in particular, I’m going to use my parents as an example. They raised their children (my sister and myself) - and finally, they had the empty nest and they can do things on their own - trips, cruises, square dancing, whatever.  They downsized from the bigger house to a smaller house.  

As time went on, they learned to ‘outsource’ some things.  A neighbor started to mow the grass and shovel the sidewalk.  They still did all their other activities.  They went to a local shopping center and walked daily.  (I wasn’t always sure if it was healthy, as they stopped with the group after walking and had donuts and coffee - but that was social which may be as important as the walking!!)  

There were no falls, but more and more of their friends died or moved, they opted to move to be close to my sister and family.  (A six to seven hours drive).  

Again, another downsizing -from a house to a two-bedroom apartment - but about 5 minutes from their daughter (my sister).  

But, that was a second-floor apartment and after a while, the stairs seemed to be a problem, so they moved to a one-bedroom apartment.

They went to all the high school activities that their granddaughters were in (music and cheer squad), they went to church with my sister, they blended into their new environment.  

BUT - all this time, into their 90s, they were independent.  They played bridge, walked with a different set of mall walkers, and ate donuts with a different set of (new) friends.  My father drove and my mother navigated. They drove back to Iowa a few times a year to visit friends and go to the big family reunion.  

Independence was great for my parents until my father had a car accident and they moved to an assisted living facility - where they were still pretty independent.  

When independence is taken away - such as taking the car keys away - it is almost a death sentence.  In my parent’s case, they kept their independence pretty much until death.  It helped greatly to have my sister nearby and her family.  They had a very happy and fulfilled life in the senior years.  And, in their case, having both of them living together and still in love, definitely added their longevity!!!

So, day two of a four-day series on again - tomorrow more end of life issues and Thursday having a value in your life!!

See you then!!

LOVE WINS!!

HUGS!!

Karen