WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2021, REFLECTIONS III

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2021 MORE REFLECTIONS ON 2021 - PART III

(Note - this is going to be personal - you can skip if you want)

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In my last year of teaching, God smacked me with a giant two-by-four board.  Yes, he got my attention.  Sometimes when you get in “the groove”, you don’t realize that it is really “the rut”.  I was in my last year of teaching.  It had been a great career.  I have the blessing of working with so many great students and colleagues.  But, that can also bring some unintended consequences.  I had a big ego.  (I lost some of that moving from being a full professor with a national reputation to a “lowly” Senior Lecturer at the University of Texas).  And, I had become judgemental.  (I hate to write that).

“SMACK”.

“Bruce, I made all humans in my likeness.  Who are you to judge?” seemed to be the message from God.

Then, the gender issue hit me.  Yes, I was a very privileged white, American, male professor.  (I was superior to the women around me.  If there were women in leadership at universities, it was because somebody had determined that they “had” to have women to diversify academia. 

Could the infinite God (about which I had no doubts - He/She/It/The Force was so far above me), who “spoke” worlds into existence, not accept a Muslim woman (or others) as a worthy disciple.

“But God,” I complained, “How can it be?  No one comes to the Father except through Jesus.”

“And, what is your point, Bruce” seemed to be the reply.  

“But they are all wrong.  They don’t even acknowledge Jesus!”.  

“Do you know their heart?  Do you know of their love for me?  Do you not believe that I can ‘breath’ into any person at any time?  Have you walked a mile in their shoes?  You only see the exterior, I see their heart”.

SMACK

**

That started me on a journey I would never have imagined.  

I retired in May 2016; (and worked at Kohls for Christmas)

In spring 2017 I had my major health issue (aorta) and surgery (“You are lucky to be alive”); 

In 2017/2018 I/we did a lot of counseling; 

In October 2018 I was moved out from Leander Texas to Georgetown Texas (about 15 miles)

In May 2019, I started taking hormones to relieve my gender dysphoria and to help make me a female and I started living as a female full-time. 

In October 2019, I spent four days in a mental hospital (see below)
In February 2020, I legally changed my name and gender with the State of Texas; and 

In May 2021 I had “Gender Reconstruction Surgery”.  (And, my gender dysphoria has disappeared. I like who I am I have to like who I am - if I am to love my neighbor as myself)

Change is tough!!!  I wrote a fictitious story in the last two weekends of Afghanistan natives being refugees in the United States.  (Can you imagine the reverse, what if you were relocated to Afghanistan - not knowing the language and culture).  My brain had accepted that I was a female.  That would have been inconceivable six years ago.

And, I lost the most precious aspect of my life - my family.  I was wrong in their eyes.  My wife maybe said it best “You’re not the man I married”.  Biblically the concept is being “shunned”.  I pray for reconciliation every day, and I believe it will happen.

Maybe more than missing our son and our daughter, I miss my five grandchildren.  How are they doing in school?  Do they look different than they did at age five?  What activities do they do?  (Do they remember and miss me?) It has been over three years since I have seen them.  “Abby, Leah - I love you; Asher, Ada, and Genesis - I love you!!!  And, Becky/Matt, Steve/Sara, Connie - I love you unconditionally -<PERIOD>.

**

Despair won for a time in 2019.  I seriously considered suicide.  I spent four days in a local mental hospital.  It still shows up from time to time in depression (I am on anti-depressant medications) 

**

Slowly - maybe like the caterpillar who wraps herself in a cocoon, my body was changing and my mind was changing.  How do you adapt when things are going wrong.  Maybe like Anakin Skywalker - I could turn to the ‘dark’ side.  I could let the despair conquer me.

Was this a lesson God was taking me on?  How could I love others if my family had locked me out?  (I do not say my family didn’t love me.  I sense they thought I was so wrong that the only way to help me was to shun me.  Matthew 18:15-17 says “If your brother wrongs you, go and take up the matter with him when the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that every detail may be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, report it to the Church. And if he refuses to listen to the Church, treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.”)

As I emerged from the cocoon, the overwhelming love of a supreme being (God) has been my guide, and the assertion “LOVE WINS” began to grow.  I am not allowed to hate.  I have quoted Dorothy Day “I can only love God as much as the person I love the least”.  

Maybe like Joseph in the Old Testament whose brothers sold him into slavery and he ended up in Egypt, I’ve been exiled. Did Joseph miss his family every day?  I think so.  In Genesis 42:24 in his first meeting after years separated from his family, “He (Joseph) walked away from them and cried.”

I have known many tears - both happy and profoundly sad.

*****

Love one another, love covers a multitude of sins, “Love is patient; love is charitable. Love is not envious; it does not have an inflated opinion of itself; it is not filled with its own importance.”

*****

So, as I reflect on 2021, I keep learning, I had surgery, and I am trying to love unconditionally!!

LOVE WINS!!

Karen - pronouns - She / Her

December 29, 2021