SATURDAY STORY - NOVEMBER 7, 2020

 Saturday Story - November 7, 2020

Rhonda Jenkins and Carrie Penske were sisters.  Rhonda is three years older than Carrie.  

Their mother, Barb, is my neighbor.  And, Barb put me in a corner and coerced me to see if I could get the two sisters to talk to each other.  Barb would love to have the family together for Christmas, but if Rhonda knows that Carrie will be there, she will back off; and likewise, if Carrie knows that Rhonda will be there, she will find an excuse to celebrate Christmas earlier or later - but not with her sister.

Rhonda was 43-years-old and married to Ryan, who is a Certified Public Accountant (CPA).  They have two children, Arden, age 12, and Trisha, age 9.  They live in a quiet, upscale neighborhood along the North San Gabriel River in Georgetown Texas.  And, like most of their neighbors, they are white, well educated, Christian (or, they go to church weekly), conservative and voted for Donald Trump.  She also voted for all Republican candidates - except for sheriff - where the incumbent Republican was running but has been indicted on excessive force charges in the arrest and death of a black young man. In that contest, she didn’t vote for anybody (she just “couldn’t vote for a Democrat).  Rhonda works part-time in a church-based food pantry, and she was a stay-at-home mom while Arden and Trisha were young.

Carrie is a 39-year-old Human Resources assistant for a major insurance company in San Antonio.  She and her husband, Geoff, have a three-year-old, Gina.  Gina was born about two months early and is kind of a miracle child as she stayed in the Neonatal Care area until she was ready to go home.  Carrie drops Gina off at daycare on her way to her office.  

And, unlike her sister, she voted for Biden and pretty much all Democratic candidates.  She has been to rallies for women’s rights (including choosing abortion, LGBTQ, and gender choices), and rarely go to church.

AND … these two sisters have not talked to each other in three years. 

*****

In my counseling practice, I asked Rhonda why she wouldn’t talk to Carrie.  The answers were kind of defensive:  “She doesn’t like me”, “She doesn’t want to talk with me”, “We just don’t see eye-to-eye on anything anymore.”

Likewise, I asked Carrie why she wouldn’t talk to Rhonda.  The answers were a little raw as she said “She is a ‘Trumper’”, “She doesn’t think for herself”, “She is so opinionated and negative”.

I had an hour with Carrie (as it worked into her schedule first).

Carrie, like her sister, was white, well educated (with a master’s degree in Human Resource Management), certification in Human Resources, and, unlike her sister, very liberal.  

We talked gently for a while, then I asked her: “Carrie, what can you do to get along with your sister?”

Carrie was silent for a few seconds, then asked the obvious question “Did my mother put you up to call us?”

I said, “Yes”.

Carrie took a deep breath and went on.

“Karen, I think down inside I love and admire my sister.” But Carried quickly added, “But, I would never tell her that”.  

“She is the antithesis of all that I believe and hold.  She was the ‘golden girl’ growing up and I was the rebel. She did all the nice things, and I got with friends who smoked pot and drank.  I don’t smoke anymore and I rarely drink alcohol - but I do think it is okay.  

“She is the conservative, “Church-Lady”.  (I nodded at the old Saturday Night Live skit reference).  “She is the do-gooder - but she preaches about how wonderful Trump and his cronies are.  To me, Trump is a liar, a womanizer, and a cheat.  

“I see and work with minority women - with deadbeat dads - with three, four, five children - who are on welfare but want to go to work.  If they had been allowed to get an abortion they would have.  I worked with a mother two weeks ago whose son was injured by a policeman as he walked home from his job at McDonald's.  

I know people who need healthcare and can’t afford it.

“I hate guns, I know there is global warming and we are harming our environment and Rhonda is oblivious to all of this!!!”

We talked longer.  Knowing that I would be talking to Rhonda, I pressed the issue one last time before ending our counseling call.

I asked “Carrie.  Your mother loves both of you - she wants Gina to know and love Rhonda, Arden, Trisha, and Ryan.  She wants you together this year for Christmas - for a special Christmas.  Your mother is getting older, and may not be around in the future - and she wants you two to reconcile.  Is that possible?”

Carrie’s answer was careful and specific.  “I have no problem with reconciliation with Rhonda, but she has to make the first move.”

We ended the call.

***** It was two days later that I caught up with Rhonda for our online counseling session.

Like before, I wanted to establish rapport with Rhonda first but I got to the issue.

I asked her: “Rhonda, what can you do to get along with your sister?”

It seemed like Rhonda was ready with the answer.

“I love my sister - I really do.  I just don’t understand her.  We grew up in the same household, we were the best of friends - always.  Then we went off to college and went our separate directions. She got involved with politics early on.  Even at college, she opted to join the Young Democrats and she campaigned for Al Gore in 2000.  She is passionate about the environment, about human rights.  I love her, but she has gotten so liberal, so leftwing.”

I asked, “How so?”

Rhonda paused on that and then answered. “If there are any jobs that are Democratic jobs, human resources seems to be that way.  They want to help the blacks, the downtrodden, the abused women.  I know those issues exist, but I also know that keeping the economy going is important.  To me, that means getting good energy - from fracking, wind power; it means, keeping the good jobs here in America.”  

She paused again and looking straight into the camera, said slowly and deliberately “It means Making, America, Great, Again”.  She spoke each word separately as in a church creed.

We also talked for a while and I made my final close.

“Rhonda, your mother wants you and your sister to get along.  She wants Arden and Trisha to know Gina; she is getting older and she won’t be with us forever.  She wants Christmas to be special this year.  What can you do to make up with your sister?  How can you make Christmas this year to be a real happy family event?”

Rhonda stiffened a little and finally answered.

“I love my sister, I pray for her and her family.  She has built a wall between us.  She needs to lower her wall, she needs to make the first good faith effort to reach across the divide.

*****

So, there we were.  Each sister indicated she loved the other sister, but each sister said the other had to make the first move.

*****

<break in the story>

Is this your story?  Do you have family members who don’t speak to each other?  How can you reach out?  How can healing begin?  

This story is for me as well.  I want reconciliation with my family.  I am trying to reach across.

Patience is a virtue (so I’ve been told).  I looked at https://theojellis.com/is-patience-really-a-virtue/

This author suggests that Patience is NOT a virtue - that waiting is not a solution, but that we need to act on it.

-. Instead of waiting for one employer to get back to you, why don’t you get back to them?

-. Instead of waiting for “God” to answer your prayers, why not put in the work to make your prayers a reality?

-. Instead of playing the lottery and “waiting” to get rich, why not learn HOW to create riches for yourself?

-. Instead of waiting to be paid by your employer, why not learn how to pay yourself?

-. Instead of waiting for readers to find your new “blog”, why not seek them out yourself?

*****

Back to the story.

I thought I could work more on Rhonda to make the first move.  I arranged a session with her two days after our first session.

“Hi Rhonda, I want to see if we can break this deadlock with Carrie.  Can we talk?”

I tried to appeal to Rhonda’s faith (or supposed faith).  

“Rhonda, I understand that your faith is important to you.  Is that right?”

Rhonda suspected that I was leading her down a path, but went along.

Rhonda answered me “Yes, my faith is important to me”.

I pushed the issue.  “Did Jesus say we are to love one another”?

I could almost hear the silence.  

Rhonda reluctantly answered “Yes” - but there was no fervor behind that word.

I again asked “Can you make the first step?  Can you send a note, a card, a letter, a text to Carrie?”

I watched as Rhonda nodded on the screen (but no words).

“It doesn’t have to be much,” I said.  “Maybe something like ‘Carrie, I love you and I’ve been stubborn and wrong.  I do want you in my life.’  You aren’t quite saying I apologize, but you really are saying that.  If you do love your sister (and your mother), you need to make an effort before your mother is dead and gone and you two are estranged for the rest of your life.”

I paused “Rhonda, I am a counselor - and counselors listen - but this time, I’m crossing a boundary - you need to step out here.”

*****

<end of story>

Do you think this will work?  Do you think Rhonda and Carrie can come back from their separation?  What else can be done in this situation to heal this family?

*****

LOVE WINS!!

HUGS!!

Karen