Avoiding Gray Divorce - part I

Avoiding a Gray Divorce

https://www.therelationshipdoc.org/7-ways-to-prevent-a-gray-divorce/

So, we have had LOVE and Valentine’s Day, then a diversion into divorce statistics and gray divorce.

For today, I found a link for Seven Ways to Avoid a Gray Divorce.  Let’s see how it works.

-1 Share interests - even if you have to compromise to do so.

The article has this story: 

“1. Happy couples are willing to share new interests and embrace their partner’s interests. This is important even if it’s an activity or hobby they don’t really care for that much; Pillemer says it’s worth trying. One couple in the study included a golf “widow” and a golf enthusiast. When his wife decided to learn the sport and join her husband on the golf course, he reported it was a dream come true. He’d hoped for years that she would play golf with him.”

(Today’s blog is mostly for me - but really for all of us.  I’m going through a gray divorce. Sometimes I can point at my wife and say “It was HER fault” - but I know better.  I want to tell you about my attending quilt shows, driving her to quilt shops (which I did). But, I should have pushed it more.  I wish I had learned how to sew and how to make a quilt. I ‘white-gloved’ at some of the quilt shows (where a person wears white gloves so as to not tarnish the quilts on display - and yet show the visitors the quilting and back).  Even now, a year-and-one-half into “exile”, I’m not sure what else she likes - so I really didn’t make a strong enough effort.

Sure, she didn’t come to all my music concerts - that’s okay.  Sure she didn’t want to play bridge or join a senior group. But, we both needed to find new interests!!  There is a lot out there other than just quilts, music and bridge - and we didn’t really explore it!!

Again from the article:

-2 While a romantic spark is important, it’s a real friendship between two partners that matters most over the long haul. After retirement, couples typically spend more time together. It’s hard to be with someone for extended periods every day if you don’t enjoy spending time together!

Again, it “takes two to tango”.  [hmmm, we did dance lessons once - maybe we should have done it again?].  We seemed to drift away. Sure, part of the issue could be her - but I could have and should have built a stronger friendship - with my best friend.

And, point 3 from the article:

“In successful long-term relationships, remembering the “little things” makes a big difference. Partners who help each other with small, routine matters, who show appreciation and add occasional surprises, keep their relationship fresh and their love alive.”

I can count the many “little things” I did (like making the coffee in the morning and taking her first cup, and doing the laundry) - but there were way-too-many times I really didn’t work on making things ‘fresh”.  Boring routines kill relationships.  

Moving to point #4

“4. Older healthy couples do in fact have active sex lives, and value being in good shape physically, as well as maintaining an appealing appearance. Often, the concept of sexual intimacy expands to include simply the pleasure of touch.”

I wasn’t a good lover (although most men tend to think they are “God’s gift to women” (not sure in my case).  Our sex life died years ago. Again, I can rationalize that “I tried”. I never really asked her about what turned her on.  I was probably just the old “let’s have sex” partner and didn’t understand her needs. (And, I’m sorry now).

There are seven thoughts in this article, and I will finish these tomorrow.

But, I am reflecting on these four points.  As previously mentioned, it does take “two to tango” - and I’m guilty here.  I was selfish and didn’t work hard enough on it.

To my male friends here - Find new interests.  The world is full of interesting ideas. I play bridge and one of the biggest problems in bridge is finding a compatible suit when bidding.  It is like that in love and marriage - finding compatible activities. I didn’t woo my best friend.

And, to my female friends - the same applies to you.  As they say, marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, but a 100/100 proposition.  We all (male and females and even transgender women) need to work on our relationships before they fail.

Hugs!!

“See” you tomorrow!!!

Karen