Marriage and Divorce (mostly divorce today) - part II
Today, I’m looking at “Gray Divorce”
From the article:” The phrase "Gray Divorce" refers to divorces involving spouses over the age of 50, and who are typically members of the Baby Boomer generation. While the overall divorce rate has declined over the past 20 years, it has doubled for the segment of the population over age 50. This trend of older divorces has been coined Gray Divorce.”
“Stats On “Gray Divorce
- Among those aged 54-64, the divorce rate has quadrupled over the past 30 years.
- This phenomenon is often called “Gray Divorce.”
- One in four divorces in 2010 involved couples aged 50 and older. In 1990, it was one in 10.
- 69% of older Americans in 2014 said they think divorce is morally acceptable, compared to 45% in 2001.
- Since 2008, web traffic from those over age 55 has increased 39% on Match.com.
- Two out of three “gray divorces” are initiated by women.”
Again, from the article, some of the reasons for Gray Divorce:
Empty Nesters
Other couples find that after their adult children leave the family home, their marriage is no longer strong enough to survive. (** Not true for us - we had the empty nest for many years)
Retirement
When one or both spouses retire, the dramatic change in lifestyle can negatively affect the marriage. Some retired couples find that the increase in time spent together is not a source of happiness, or that personal interests in retirement are not compatible.
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Today, I am writing from my current experiences. The opinions are my own.
Retirement hit me hard. Instead of preparing lectures and presentations, writing papers for conferences, doing research, teaching classes, and grading papers (and - ugh - dealing with students who thought the grade I recorded was not high enough).
I didn’t play golf, I didn’t fish, and I didn’t hunt. I had few hobbies including playing tuba (not a large sustainable hobby). I had goals of traveling with my wife, of seeing places and enjoying life before we got too old to travel. I wanted us to get senior friends to socialize with - play bridge, do activities together.
But, seemingly those ideas were not the same as my wife. In my brain, a trip (or cruise) to Alaska was toward the top. It was the one state neither one of us had been to. Then a trip to the “Four-Corners” region and the Southern Utah National Parks. With good planning, Yosemite and Yellowstone were on the list. But, all of that involved travel and money - the tedium of getting tickets, flying to a location, renting a car, staying in hotels and eating out could eat up a lot of our retirement money.
Obviously being around our two children and five grandchildren was a priority for us as well. For our son that also involved travel - either one long day in a car where we would arrive worn-out; or two shorter days - but still too long in a car. The local family was also getting more involved with their children - kindergarten, soccer, gymnastics, and other activities - where the grandparents were not necessarily involved.
I tried to keep busy with three part-time jobs the first year of retirement - and sat, sat, sat and - bong - had a major health issue.
While it might be a cliche - we were just drifting apart. It seemed like we were getting into our own worlds. I’ll admit to not working hard enough at the marriage.
The health issue put everything on the table. I awoke to weaknesses and depression - I was getting old and slipping daily into the backwaters of not important to anybody. And, I found solace in some strange thoughts - that I could be a female.
It seemed that I was getting under “my wife’s feet” in being home every day. Sure, I didn’t work every day - but in some respects I did - reading, prepping and mentally thinking of teaching. I thought I was trying to please her - but I didn’t know the senior language of love. (Looking back, I’m not sure I ever really know a “language of love”. I did things I saw my father do - and more. Get flowers, take her out to shop or to eat. But, with the health issues, I couldn’t mow the lawn (actually one of my favorite things to do), and less of a ‘man’ - less of a ‘husband’ - and of less value to her. (That may not be true, it might be just my interpretation!!!)
While I might have been a great communicator in class to students, I just couldn’t communicate and actively listen to my wife. She was finding things that interested her, most notably politics, and I didn’t understand and questioned her - like “Can you change anything that is going on? And, if not, why get so interested in the political spectrum.” (Maybe I was thinking more of the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.)
We did the normal marriage counseling and I thought we were making progress and I was asked to move out of the house. So, here we are - seemingly the divorce papers have been submitted - and the process has started (not my desire).
More on gray divorce tomorrow!!
Hugs!!
Karen
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