Can your marriage survive COVID-19 - part I

Can your marriage survive COVID-19?

https://time.com/5811146/coronavirus-married-relationship/

From Time Magazine some good ideas for helping your marriage survive the virus!! (And, I’m still thinking of the “endure” or “embrace” from yesterday)

The article starts like this, “Have you recently noticed how loud your partner chews? That her placement of items in the fridge is illogical? That his consumption of toilet paper/soap/the good snacks is remarkably high? That parenting is not one of his or her core strengths? If so, you might be married during a pandemic.”

That sounds comical, but it is!!!  Little things can build up - so keep it cool!!!  

From a world where the kids were in school, the parents at work, we are in a new reality - living under the same roof for 24 hours each day.

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-1 Cool it with the criticism. 

We are all tired and can be cranky - and we may want to “correct” our spouses - but don’t do it.  (Don’t judge lest you be judged).  The concept that when you point a finger at somebody, there are three pointing back at you!!!  The article suggests that we accent praise and encouragement.  The article also recommends, “telling your spouse three things you appreciated about them that day before you go to sleep at night.”

Men be sure to say “thank you” sincerely for all your wife does!!!  Did she make the coffee - say “Thank you” (and just perfunctory)?  Women thank your husband for taking out the trash or watching the kids or mowing the grass.  

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-2 Be more curious than furious.

From the article:

“With all the new responsibilities brought on by the coronavirus, it may feel like your spouse is not doing enough or has committed an act of personal treason, but it’s more likely that they’re just distracted, hungry or have motivations that are invisible to you. “High stress always brings out people’s relational coping skills, or lack of them,” says Helen. “Stress also triggers memories from the past, and we tend to respond to the present as we did in the past.” In any case, just asking your partner a question and actually listening to the answer before pulling the ripcord on an argument can have a positive effect, by giving us a moment to pause and engage our more sophisticated cognitive functions. “Talking is the most dangerous thing people do, especially when they are stressed, and listening is the most infrequent thing people do, especially when they are stressed.”

Assuming those within your house are healthy, give a hug to each other and thank them for supporting you in this crisis time.  

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-3 Let them feel bad—or O.K.—about the current crisis.

You need to practice “active listening” 

The article says, “When you disagree with your partner’s approach to the pandemic, do your best to figure out what it is he or she is really thinking about instead of dismissing it. “They are going through the virus information in a different way,” says Julie Gottman. “Have some empathy, which means do your best to guess and name what emotion you hear your partner is expressing.” Many therapists endorse active listening—that is, hearing what a person says and trying to say it back in your own words. “If you can’t figure it out, just say, ‘You sound really upset or you sound stressed,’” says Julie.”

Rephrase what your spouse said - but gently.  

He says, “I’m worried about my job, whether it will be there when this is over.”

You can reply, “I sense you are really worried about your job.”

Don’t try to fix it - don’t say, “I’m sure it will be there, when things return to normal”, because you really don’t know.  Reassume him “You are a good worker; you got your promotion two years ago.  While we can’t tell the future, I know and believe that you will be just as good”.

I’ve written about the only person you can change is yourself.  Love one another.  Establish peace in your house.  My parents went through the depression (and maybe it was your grandparents).  Times were tough.  But, if you will, times are much better now.  We have television, maybe even some streaming service (like Netflix), modern appliances (many places in the 1930s didn’t even have electricity!!).  While I’m not a proponent of 16 hours of television a day, it can fill the time.  And, again, in normal times, I don’t like television as a ‘babysitter - but that might be a way out at times.  And, maybe Mom or Dad (or both), can sit on the sofa with a child and watch something uplifting together!!!  [Hmmm - can you stream Pollyanna!!!]  

You might even read with them, supervise and help them with homework, draw, color, make something special with them.  Fill your refrigerator door with their artwork.  Put it on the wall, make this a memorable “vacation”!!!

-4 Buy some time, or trade for it. 

We all need some “my time”.  The article suggests at least half-an-hour a day.  Work out a schedule for you and your spouse to support each other and get the time.  AND … when you figure out a time - go away!!  Get out of sight of your spouse and family.  Get far enough away so you can’t even hear them.  (For me, I’d take a nap upstairs!!)  

And, likewise, get some free time for your spouse.  “I’m going to walk the kids around the block, and we will not be around the house for at least half-an-hour”.  

Marriages can be tough - and in tough times, the stress can become too much.  You must keep balance, no rocking the boat!!!

More tomorrow!!!

Hugs!!

Karen