Can Your Marriage Survive COVID-19

Can your marriage survive COVID-19? Part II

https://time.com/5811146/coronavirus-married-relationship/

Yesterday I started a two day look at an article from Time Magazine - Can your marriage survive COVID-19?

Let’s continue that.

-1 Do what your ancestors did.

That is a so-so title.  SEX!!!  The author alludes to pioneers who lived in one-room sod-houses or starting out in a one-bedroom apartment.  INTIMACY!!!

The article puts it this way, “Intimacy is also key. Too much togetherness and stress can have an unsexy effect on partners who live together but getting it on can also be a stress-reliever as well as a nice break from Netflix. “You still need intimacy, If the pioneers figured it out and they were in one room, so can you.”

-2 Plan out your days, but not too tightly. 

Let’s say you have children and you need to homeschool them through this situation.  Are you going to divide the instruction between you and your spouse?  Or, if one spouse might have more skills as an educator, then the other spouse can pick up other chores - cooking, laundry, cleaning, making beds, and other activities.

Without children, you can still schedule your days.  (That might even be to who has the remote control at which time). I liked watching “Wheel of Fortune” as a diversion, and my spouse liked watching one of the political programs - schedule them or record them.  

Check out the weather.  If you want to do some things outdoors - like take a walk or ride bicycles, it is much nicer in sunshine than in rain!!!  Do you want to watch the local news and weather?  Schedule it.  Are you planning a major meal?  Maybe that will block more time for one spouse as she (or he) prepares the feast.  

But, don’t be a slave to the schedule.  Allow for calls from Grandma and others to interrupt the day!!!

-3 Make an appointment for your fights. 

This one surprised me (although I like the concept)

If you are starting a fight (which most likely is over some petty issue), break it off and schedule a time.  When you are in “the moment” you may go irrational and say things that hurt.  One of the smart ways to approach almost any fight is to try to understand the other person’s point of view.  Put up your hand and say “We do need to solve this, but not now.  Can we look at this again, maybe at 4:00 today?  This is a form of “cooling off period”.  

-4 Take your arguments elsewhere.

This is especially important if you have children.  Fighting in front of the children can be traumatic for them.  If your children are older, maybe you and your spouse can take a walk or a drive.  The article mentioned one couple that sat on the bathroom floor out of hearing range of their daughter.

-5 Respect the now invisible boundaries.

If your spouse is (finally) relaxing with a program on TV, wait for a commercial, or for the program to finish.  It might be hard when you want to interrupt and ask “Where is the <item>”, but unless you need it instantly, it can wait.  Let’s say you are doing the dishes and you don’t know where the dish soap is.  Do a good faith search first.  Maybe your spouse moved it to the laundry room or to the garage to clean some tools.  And, those dishes won’t get dirtier while you wait!!!  

-6 Ask for what you want, really.

I think the article says it best, “Your partner is probably a wonderful person but almost definitely garbage at mind-reading. You need to explain your needs, and you need to be specific. “I would love it if you could plan dinner every second night” is vastly preferable to “You have to help around the house more,” for many reasons, just as “Could you rub the left side of my back?” is superior to “Could you make me feel better?” Unfortunately, this is much easier said than done. “We’ve worked with so many couples, and when you ask them what it is they want, they don’t know,” she says. “Men don’t know what they want; they’re raised to suppress their feelings. And women are so used to caring for everybody else, they don’t know what they want either. But if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re not going to get it.” So much is going on, and the situation is changing so rapidly that nobody is going to notice everything that every person needs or desires. So, ask. Nicely.

*****

So, can you survive the “both spouses at home” aspect of the COVID-19 pandemic?  The answer is YES - and a sub answer of “You have to survive it!!  Murder is illegal!!!  (And, while you might think that it could be “justifiable homicide”, the police and courts will probably disagree!!!)

Last week, I wrote about ‘enduring’ and ‘embracing’.  If you want your marriage intact after this is over, you must force yourself to ‘embrace’ the situation - make the most of it!!!  You can’t change it - and the only person you can change is yourself!!!  Become a LOVER!!!  

Hugs!!!

See you tomorrow!!!

Karen