MONDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2021 GRIEF - DAY 1

 MONDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2021 A SERIOUS AND SOMBER WEEK - Grieving

Introduction 1 - A good friend lost her spouse about a month ago.  It was a long marriage, with lots of love, and now with lots of grief at her loss.  

Introduction 2 - An acquaintance’s son committed suicide two years ago.  The lady still grieves for him.  Almost any comment (like Good Morning) will come back to something like “how can it be a good morning, Sean is dead”.  

Introduction 3 - A very active friend had a terrible stroke and all of a sudden, his wife loses his salary and becomes his caretaker.

Introduction 4 - John, a 62-year-old, loses his job to COVID and can’t find another job.  It is too early to retire, but he really didn’t plan on being unemployed at his age.

Introduction 5 - Cheryl’s husband has been cheating on her - she feels devastated and violated. 

There are generally well-defined steps in the grieving process:

1. DISBELIEF & SHOCK
2. DENIAL
3. GUILT & PAIN
4. BARGAINING
5. ANGER
6. DEPRESSION
7. ACCEPTANCE

For the next few days, I’ll be looking at grief.

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My grief experience is probably different than others - as we are all individuals.  My parents lived to 98 (Mom), and 97 (Dad) and they both were ready for death.  

My personal grief comes from my own decisions - both good and bad.  

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DISBELIEF AND SHOCK

“The initial reaction to loss includes a feeling of shock. Learning someone you love is gone creates numbness and fills a person with doubt. This is a form of emotional protection and can last for weeks. The time experienced often reflects the suddenness of the death, but there is no cookie-cutter recipe for grief. It’s not uncommon for someone to go through the shock phase throughout the duration of funeral preparation simply to get through the process.”

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For my first example (losing a spouse), it was known that death was near.  The spouse was on hospice care, so the wife knew the end of their relationship was known.  But, there was such deep love (as I understand it - I’ve only known them for a few months).  The happy memories - the cruises, the trips to the mountains, their family, the little things - were solid.  

The wife did well in the death with funeral planning.  When I saw her a week ago and we talked briefly, she has peace in the passing/death.  

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For the second example, from what I understand, the son’s suicide was maybe three years ago and every day the lady is in shock and disbelief. 

Suicides are harder than an elderly person who is in hospice care.  It is sudden and generally unexpected.  The survivor questions his or herself.  “Could I have saved my child?”; “I must have been a bad parent”; “I felt that I needed to call him that day, but I ignored it”.

Disbelief - “I can’t imagine that he is dead” (or, “I can’t believe he is dead”)

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For the outside people, it can be hard to say something with compassion to the person suffering from grief - and really mean it.  “I’m sorry to hear that” might be a common phrase.

But, are you (the outside person) really sorry?  Did you sit by the bedside of the person with cancer?  Had you been in the counseling sessions before the son killed himself?  

Shock can occur at an unexpected death - such as a fatal car accident, a school shooting, or a seemingly healthy person dropping dead suddenly.

It can be hard to wrap one’s thoughts around a sudden death.  It’s a bad dream.  He (she) will be back soon. It couldn’t happen to him (her).  I just don’t understand.

(Aside we seem to avoid the terms dead / death.  He ‘passed’ on.  “He is ‘gone’.  Even “He is in a better place” (did he move to Hawaii?) <grin>.  More on these euphemisms on Thursday.

Note - being a friend to a person in grief is both important - and can be very sensitive - more on that Thursday!!!

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STEP 2 - DENIAL

A natural step after Step 1 of Disbelief and Shock is “Denial”. 

“The next stage of grief reflects the stubbornness of the human spirit. The mind goes into a state of denial to avoid the pain and reality of loss. A person can deny a loved one’s passing for weeks no matter the circumstances around the death. People experience other kinds of denial as well. For instance, a grieving person may deny that the loss affects them in a serious manner. Denial is a type of self-preservation much like shock.  A person’s experience with the stage helps shelter them from the eventual pain and ensuing stages of grief.”

This might be described as “It just didn’t happen”.  

“I’m hardening my heart to deny the pain, the loss of my spouse, son, family member, a close friend.  It just didn’t happen.  Life goes on just as before.

It is like sticking your fingers in your ears and when somebody tries to tell you about the situation, you can’t hear them.  You might go “la la la la” - to cover the bad news.  Maybe the situation isn’t death, but your spouse got fired from his or her job.  Maybe it is like the old Dagwood cartoons where the boss (Julius Dithers) fires Dagwood frequently but by the end of the strip hires him back.  (In particular, the video Dagwood shows - like Blondie and Dagwood (1938) - YouTube) 

Denial - it didn’t happen, the good fairy is going to wave her wand and restore everything.

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Grief can be hard - but it seems that we have to grieve appropriately to move on!!

LOVE WINS!!

Karen