TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2021 EGO AND IMPOSTOR

 TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2021 EGO CONTINUED

So, I was pretty good - an honored professor, generally beloved, a little kooky, trying to be fun - and pretty good allowed me to be an active professor.  I had been a high school math teacher for seven years - who made the transition to college instructor (which I did for 38 years)

(quiet - but down inside was the little boy who wasn’t a good student, who got C grades in his college composition classes, who was scared of flunking out of college as a freshman. Or, the high school math teacher pretending to be a college professor)

I had bought into Romans 12:3b “Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves.” - but I was willing to suspend that evaluation!!!

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But, now at the University of Texas as an instructor - life in the academic world was changed.  Where “teaching, research, and service” were the mandates, now I was only expected to do one thing - teach!!!  In my first semester at UT (the common local term for the University of Texas), I had four classes - three classes of Introduction to IT - each closed at 72 students; and a senior capstone at 45 students.  So, basically, 261 students trying to get a degree, to get a better life.  ‘

BUT, I was still that active professor.  I walked into each and every class period and gave a “WOOOOO”.  That was my sign that class was beginning.  And, it tied to my expression from Ralph Waldo Emerson “Nothing great was ever achieved without Enthusiasm!!”.  I bounced around the room, tried to know everybody’s name by the third week, call them by name.  That was different from the average 70 plus class where instructors barely recognized their students.  I had corny jokes (from 35 years in the classroom).  My students laughed!!  (Learning doesn’t have to be boring, or always serious).  

Along the way, my judgment had become strong.  But, no longer the ‘big deal” on campus, I found that I liked all students.  I found that some of the minority students were actually cool.  I hadn’t had many Hispanics in Connecticut or South Dakota, but the Hispanic group in the School of Business adopted me.  I was invited to some of their events.  I became a faculty mentor for a nearby high-rise dormitory (aka “residence hall”).  (I also became “Faculty Mentor of the Year” because of this service.

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I suppose it is common - but rarely discussed - is impostor syndrome!!

“Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. Impostor syndrome also occurs in normal human-to-human relationships. Based on this syndrome, continuing doubts about people and individual defense mechanisms are considered difficult to achieve healthy relationships. While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.”

I wasn’t an impostor but allowed myself to think that way at times - especially in those last three years at UT.  I was a recognized (at least in my mind) professor, now functioning as an instructor.  I had consulted at other universities on curriculum, I had reviewed programs to help strengthen them.  

In some respects, I was a retired professor by them.  Quinnipiac University had made me a “Professor Emeritus”.  I was just doing some extra teaching.  But that affected me.  I was “crippled” - no longer doing the extra things that I did (like Pep Band or Fraternity faculty advisor).  It had become a job.  Catch my bus in the morning, ride to campus, teach my classes, go to the bus stop and catch the bus for home.  

That coupled with my understanding that I had been judgmental worked a real paradigm change in my brain.  Hmmm - who was I to judge Muslims - even the ones who were terrorists on 9/11/2001.  In their own way (those few terrorists) were defending their way of life and their beliefs.  Who was I to say that Mormons were going to hell?  Or that gays, lesbians, and transgender people were going to hell.  

My theology - still based on Judeo/Christianity - really found that God is infinite and mankind is finite.  We live - we die.  Humans do have histories - but not many will be remembered after 50 years.  In the year 2100 will people go to Graceland (Elvis Presley’s home)?  The John Wayne museum has downsized into a part of the Madison County Tourism building.  

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As I look back, there were times when I questioned myself.  There were times when I listened to others - and where I compared myself to others.  But, you and I are each very unique.  For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. 

Was I okay?  

I think I was - and I am not going to compare myself to others.  I am me.  

Was I an impostor?  Not really.  At times I was an opportunist - taking advantage of the situation.  

And, am I now a person who tries to avoid judging others?  Am I now a person who tries to love everybody?  I hope so!!

*****

LOVE WINS!!!  And, we win - when we love everybody!!!

Karen