SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9TH 2021 SATURDAY STORY

 SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9TH 2021 SATURDAY STORY

You know, some people judge me even before they get to know me.  Yes, I have big teeth, yes, I am tall, yes, I have a big snout, yes, I have a great appetite, - and yes, my genetics say that I am a wolf - and I am a wolf.

But, people (and especially pigs) judge me as evil.  They don’t get to know me at all.

They don’t know that I have a huge vegetable garden - and I grow most of my food.  I do odd jobs around the community to earn money.  I am a caregiver for Grandma - I cook and clean for her, do her laundry and maintain her yard and house.  (Finally, Little Red Riding Hood saw that I am okay).  

I am a vegetarian - except on Thanksgiving when I do eat turkey, although lately, tofu turkey tastes better than the real turkey.  (After all, birds are my friends too).  I donate bushels of yams to the local food pantry for Thanksgiving, and I french fry a lot of my onions for green bean casserole.  I also admit that I love beets - and that might get me in trouble.  

For example, one day I was still on my front porch eating a large (gigantic) bowl of perfectly delectable Harvard beets - when one of the three pigs came by.  I can never remember their names - only how they live - one of them lives in a straw house, one in a house made of sticks, and the last in a house made of bricks. I’m not even sure which one this was - you know they all look alike!!!

Well, my beets were really juicy that day, and beet juice was running down my chin and onto my shirt.  I think the pig thought I was eating something with red blood and went screaming away.  I think that this pig was a big gossip and spread the word around Never-Never-Land that I am a terrible carnivore. 

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But, that’s enough history.  Last week, I was making cherry pie!!! (With some humility, I think my cherry pie is great.  It took first place at the Never-Never-Land fair a few years back).  But, my cherries are very tart.  And, I ran out of sugar.  

Couple that with my terrible allergies and you have a perfect storm (as least as far as gossip goes).  

So, I went to the straw pig’s house to borrow some sugar.  I thought I knocked quietly but I am also a bit hearing impaired and probably speak too loud.  Then my allergies kicked in - and I had to sneeze.  Well - you know the result - I blew the straw pig’s house down.  I didn’t mean to - but it was really in poor shape - nobody should build a house out of straw anyway!!!

He ran out of his house.  I thought about looking in what was left of his kitchen for sugar, and then thought that might be considered “breaking and entering”, so I didn’t.

Then I thought maybe I’d have better luck with the stick pig.  This time something really stirred my allergies up and I had a real sneezing fit - about five huge sneezes in a row.  And, gosh, it blew this pig’s house down too.  (You know I am a handyman I could really help him build a better house.)  And, I found an old bag of sugar, with about a teaspoon of sugar left!!

I had left my tart cherries on low heat and I needed to get back home and add sugar soon, so I went to the brick pig’s house to borrow some sugar.  But, of course, my allergies hit again (I think the pigs use a lot of chili powder in their recipes, and that coupled with my allergies hit me hard).  Fortunately, I didn’t knock his house down, but he didn’t give me any sugar.

So, I went home and my house was filled with smoke.  The cherries had boiled dry and started to burn.  I took the pot off the stove and opened the windows. That was about the time that constable Clemons arrives.  He had the three pigs with him and they accused me of blowing the two houses down.  Clemons is a good cop (and a good cow).  I was still sneezing from my allergies and from the smoke when they arrived.  My eyes and nose were runny like a 100-meter dash.  I told him about the cherries and showed him the burnt pan soaking in the sink.  

He had a search permit and did discover that I was out of sugar, that the pan was full of burnt cherries, and I had a pie crust on the counter.  The pigs still insisted I be arrested, so I was and taken to the Never-Never-Land jail.  I pled innocent and got my second cousin once removed on my mother’s side - Wilfred Wolf - as my lawyer.  

Eventually, I was acquitted.  I learned to never make a cherry pie without enough sugar on hand and to take Alegra for my allergies.

But, it was humiliating to be arrested because I needed more sugar!!!!

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That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!!

Sincerely, 

Woody Wolf

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