THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2021 LIVING IN EXILE

 THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2021 THE EXILE

I don’t like to be too personal in my blogs, but this week, I have written more about my “paradigm shift”.  

Today is a milestone day.  Three years ago today, I moved (or was moved) into my apartment. 

My situation at “home” was becoming difficult.  My wife (rightfully so), said: “You’re not the man I married”.  I wasn’t living as a woman, I was exploring my life.  I had been living fully as a male, but looking at websites, thinking through my options.  I was seeing a counselor (who had diagnosed me as “gender dysphoric”), and together we had seen counselors.  The marriage was slowly breaking up.

She had asked me to leave the house four times previously “so she could think”.  She was talking with a conservative Christian pastor.  While my counselor was saying “you seem to be thinking as a woman, you seem to want to explore your feminine nature more”, her counselor was saying “Get rid of him.  This is NOT of God”.  

By the way, this was all a year or so after my major surgery.

The first time she told me to leave the house that she needed to think, I took a two-hour walk in the neighborhood.  

The second time, I drove to Marble Falls (about thirty minutes away).  She texted me to say that we could work it out.  I drove home expectantly - but it wasn’t so.

The third time she suggested I fly to visit my sister in Michigan (on short notice) for a few days.  Instead, I drove to Taylor Texas, and spent one night in a cheap motel.  By then, it seemed as if I was getting serious.  I had bought a pair of shoes at a discount shoe store, and women’s jeans and a top from a thrift store.

The fourth time, she insisted that I go away longer, so I spent a week at an extended stay hotel in Round Rock.  I got food and cooked things for myself (and only ate at a fast food place once).

Now, this wasn’t enough.  I had to move out.  She helped me look for an apartment.  I wanted something cheap, and thus opted for my current location in a 582 square foot apartment in Georgetown Texas.  This has been home for the past three years and I have already signed up for another year.  I have made Georgetown Texas my home.  

And, a few additional comments.  My first holiday was Thanksgiving - but that was spent in Amsterdam.  My spouse and two of her sisters had booked a Rhine River cruise while I was in the hospital.  (I remember eating turkey lunch meat as my American Thanksgiving meal!!)

The second holiday was Christmas. This was NOT good.  I went to a very casual friend’s apartment and we played cribbage.  

My wife and daughter had been pushing me (by email) to go through a recovery program (Celebrate Recovery) that is similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step program. For the next four months, I went weekly to this group, I followed the directions, did not dress as a male, and tried not to live as a female for these four months.  I wrote weekly notes about my progress.

*****

BUT

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I thought I was doing as they wanted - I was trying to please them.

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As Easter came, I asked my wife to have Easter dinner with me.

Her hesitant answer was “I CAN’T”.  That statement went to my core.

That rejection pushed me over the edge.  I had tried to please her (and my daughter) and I had failed.  The week after Easter, I bought a wig, saw my primary care physician, and was approved to start feminizing hormones (estrogen and testosterone blockers) 

I know I can be rash (or impulsive) but that rejection slammed the door.  I had been asked to get out of the house, I had been moved to an apartment, I had been living as a frustrated man, and got the (figurative) door slammed in my face.  “ENOUGH”.  I was pushed into a decision I had been hesitant to make, but was ready to make.  Soon, Karen White emerged from the chaos.

*****

For the past three years (actually longer), I have not seen my children or grandchildren (with one agonizing experience).  I miss them terribly.

As my growth and life changed, I adopted “LOVE WINS”.  I have forgiven my family.  I am required to love unconditionally.  I do pray daily for reconciliation and I believe that will happen.  I am no longer friends with any of my immediate family on social media.  My twin granddaughters have gone through kindergarten, first, and second grades and are in third grade since I last saw them.  My triplet grandchildren in Nebraska have gone through pre-school, kindergarten, first grade, and are in second grade.  I haven’t received any school pictures for my wall or refrigerator. I send cards for birthdays and holidays.  I am still “Papa Bruce” for them, although they probably don’t get the cards.  

But, I have a great close friend - some churches still sing of him - “What a friend we have in Jesus”. 

So, sorry for the personal revelations this week.  I have a new life in my location - in the symphony, playing bridge and granny basketball working part-time, and being fully Karen - legally (and physically).

God is infinite, and I am not; I know the love of God, and I trust Him (her, the force, it).  

LOVE DOES WIN (and while I maybe don’t see it yet, it does win - I do believe!!)

Karen

October 28, 2021