TUESDAY OCTOBER 19, 2021 GRIEVING CONTINUED

 TUESDAY OCTOBER 19, 2021 GRIEVING CONTINUED

Yesterday I started a series on grieving.

The seven steps of grieving are:

1. DISBELIEF & SHOCK
2. DENIAL
3. GUILT & PAIN
4. BARGAINING
5. ANGER
6. DEPRESSION
7. ACCEPTANCE

Today, I’m looking at Guilt and pain; and bargaining; tomorrow anger, depression, and finally acceptance.

*****

Let me talk of my grief.  Yes, through actions of my own I have alienated my family.  Over the past three years, I have not seen either of my children and I have not seen my grandchildren.  That includes social media as well.  Where I might have seen posts from either of my children, I am banned from seeing them.  I have a picture from three-and-one-half years ago of all five grandchildren together on my wall behind my computer.  I love my family.  I understand that I have hurt them.  Today’s topics are guilt and pain, and I do have both guilt and pain in my life.  

Thursday, I’ll look at how a friend might be supportive in a loss or death (with more than saying “I’m sorry”.) 

GUILT

“As a person begins to feel the full realization of someone’s death, their numbness leads the way to extreme emotional pain and suffering. Guilt often accompanies this pain. A person may feel survivor’s guilt or a constant sense of “what might have been.” They may feel remorse over missed opportunities or things they did or didn’t do with their loved ones before their passing. It’s important to experience the full depth of pain when going through grief. Masking this stage with alcohol or drugs only makes things worse in the long run.”

Yesterday I gave the story of a lady whose son committed suicide.  Now, three years after she still has guilt.  “I could have helped him”, “I should have been there for him”, “Oh woe is me, I’m a terrible mother”!!!  

As mentioned in the article, “alcohol only makes things worse in the long run”.  Sometimes we think that alcohol can blunt the pain, 

Some suggestions for dealing with guilt (especially with a family suicide)

1. After the fact, you really can’t change it.  Yes, maybe you COULD have changed things, but what is in the past cannot be changed.  Yes, grieve, cry, and remember, but know that it is done.

2. The suicide/death is NOT about you.  It happened.  The car accident that killed your loved ones happened.  It was about you.  The suicide of your son (loved one) was their choice.  It was their option.  They may have felt there was no other way - no counseling, no change of life - no other way other than killing themself.

3. It is not contagious.  Just because a loved one killed themself doesn’t mean that you are flawed.

4. Ignore the others.  Aunt Betty might say that you could have changed the outcome if you had been there.  What could be isn’t what is.  Playing the “WHAT IF” game can’t really change actions in the past.

5.  Talk to others (that you trust or a counselor) Let someone hug you. Cry on their shoulders. Talk about the person you lost. Share the special moments, especially the ones that made you laugh.  

6. Speak and think positively. You are valuable and you can get past the shame of your past.

7. Forgive yourself. Let others forgive you. It’s the way to healing and freedom from self.

8. Don’t punish yourself. Make things right. Make Amends. Hold yourself accountable for your choices. But, don’t be so hard on yourself it becomes negative explosions.

9. The rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield, it’s easy to look back but looking ahead and staying positive is always worth it. Life can be amazing, just keep progressing and make adjustments along the way.

*****

For me, there was angst and prayer and seeking God’s face in my life.  I have sought to live authentically - whatever that means. I was judgmental. I had an ego the size of the Mississippi River at New Orleans.  And, I truly needed to be humbled - and I have been humbled.  I have used Micah 6:8 before - “And what does God expect of you?  To love justice, to show mercy and to walk humbly with God”.  

I say ‘God has humbled me’ - I have walked in the wilderness for a while.  I have learned that Love Wins.

But, I still let grief, guilt, and pain into my life (especially when I’m tired)

*****

BARGAINING

Bargaining can be a grieving person’s outlet.  “God if you make this right, I’ll live for you”.  Maybe your family was severely injured - but still alive.  And, you want to beg God for healing.  (Yes, you can pray but bargaining with God is like bargaining with a neighbor - but God is eternal and infinite)

I have prayed for reconciliation, and I believe that reconciliation with my family will occur.  But, I’m also learning patience!!!  (And learning patience is as hard as learning humility!!!)

*****

So two days into grieving:

1. DISBELIEF & SHOCK
2. DENIAL
3. GUILT & PAIN
4. BARGAINING

I can feel the pain - but there are three steps left:

5. ANGER
6. DEPRESSION
7. ACCEPTANCE

Tomorrow we’ll find these last steps, then Thursday we’ll talk about how to help a friend in grief!!!

LOVE WINS!!!

Karen