Saturday Story - 3B - Mom with Dementia - part II

Saturday Stories #3B - Dealing with an aging mother.

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Recap:  Last week Anne Briggs was on her way to visit her aging mother in Enid Oklahoma.  While originally she didn’t want to go as it seemed as if her mother was becoming senile or had Alzheimer's or some form of dementia.  In the car, she was remembering all that her mother had done and all she had done for her children.

And, of course, it isn’t Saturday - but Monday!!!  (Holidays can do that!!!)

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(Anne continues)

I made it to Enid about 3 in the afternoon.  Traffic was light as I got into Oklahoma and even got through Oklahoma City in good fashion. I stopped in Ardmore at a McDonalds just off the Interstate for a grab-and-go lunch and to use the restroom.  

I called her when I got off I-35 and on to highway 412.  I again sensed hesitation in my mother’s voice in recognizing me and remembering I was coming.  Those last thirty miles brought me memories - of basketball games on the road and coming home in a school bus in the snow, of my friend Nancy who lived on a farm about five miles east of Enid, and I remembered the state trooper pulling me over and giving me a speeding ticket on highway 412.  

I pulled into ‘our’ driveway.  It seemed like ‘ours’ - even though I had been gone for years.  I walked onto the front porch and rang the doorbell.  When my mother answered, she looked so much older.  It took about five seconds before her eyes recognized me.  I wasn’t the awkward 17-year-old coming home from school or the confident 21-year-old coming home from college, or the married 40-something with a husband and two girls six months after Dad’s funeral.

We hugged long and hard.  Tears ran down my cheeks.  I had a ‘boo-boo’ that needed a bandage, but it wasn’t on my leg or arm, but in my heart where she couldn’t reach it.  And, I longed to fix the hurts and ‘boo-boos’ in her life - if I could!!!

It was both a joyous reunion and an anxious weekend with my mother.  I tried to watch her coping mechanisms.  I heard her call me Linda a few times instead of Ann.  I let her drive me to the grocery store on Saturday as we walked down the aisles together.  I thought of her blue ribbons from the Garfield County Fair that she had won for her cakes and goodies as she bought a cake at the store. I knew she had been in Jumbo Foods a million times over the years, but she seemed to have to think where things were.  Coming home she missed the stop sign at Elm and Grand Avenue - fortunately the other traffic at the four-way stop waiting for us as we barreled through the intersection.

On Sunday, we went to the First United Methodist Church in Enid - the church where I had been baptized and raised.  It seemed smaller to me - maybe because I was bigger.  She sang the hymns in her beautiful soprano voice - although with a few misses on the words.  She introduced me as her daughter Linda once before correcting herself.  On the way to her ladies' Sunday School class, Mrs. Wilson, the pastor’s wife and the teacher of her Sunday School class called me over.  “Your mother is getting fairly forgetful.  I’m worried about her,” she said.  As my sister Linda had said, Mom had trouble finding the right place in her Bible for the lesson.  

She no longer went to the bridge-group on Tuesday.  She said “It was becoming just too hard for her.  I asked if she had seen her doctor and she reiterated that she hadn’t because she didn’t like him. 

I slipped out and talked to the neighbor, Mrs. Sample, on Monday morning.  There were more instances of memory problems.  I knew in my heart that it was hard for Mom to live on her own and alone.

After the coffee with Mr. Sample, I gave my sister Linda a quick call. “She is slipping mentally” was about all I could say as my sister had a student in her office.  I promised to call her back that evening.

When I returned Mom had forgotten to put the wet clothes in the dryer.  I helped her and watched as we finished moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer.  We had been talking about Jared, my brother and as we finished moving the clothes, she forgot to turn the dryer on.  She laughed and said she was getting forgetful.  

Oh how much I loved her, and my heart was breaking for her as I realized more and more that we had to love her in her old age and find ways to care for her.

After lunch on Tuesday, I dropped her off at her house and headed back to the interstate.  I texted Linda, Mark and Jared and asked Linda to set up a conference call about 6 p.m. as I would be through Oklahoma City and could pay attention to the phone call.

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We decided on the conference call to move Mom into my house in Georgetown.  I was happy that my husband Mark agreed to let Mom stay at our house.  With Dyana in college and with Bethany going off to college in the fall, we thought we could manage it.

Jared suggested that it might be necessary to move Mom into a Memory Care Facility eventually.  I anticipated it would be enough of a challenge to get Mom to my house - and we could observe her there.

(Little did I know the fight I was going to have.  I’m glad that Linda, Mark and Jared were with me!!!)

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I called Mom’s neighbor, Mrs. Sample the next day with the news that we were planning on moving Mom to my house.  She sounded happy to know that Mom would be taken care of.  

I also call Reverend Wilson and Mrs. Wilson from the Methodist Church.  They too agreed with me that Mom was at that point of not being fully able to take care of herself.  

I also called Mom to check on her.  I didn’t want to directly confront her at this point.  I had heard from others (and the internet) that losing one’s freedom was frequently the beginning of the end.  While I hoped that an easier life would be good for Mom, that she would complain about moving away from her house, from her church, from her friends, and from the community where she had lived all of her life.

I said something about my girls being gone and how the house was so quiet and how much I loved her and about how I liked to cook (not quite true, but I wanted to put the message in her mind that she would get fed).  I called her every few days to check on her and tried to tell her how nice Georgetown was in the fall

I was pretty well booked into mid-November with my assistant registration and voting clerk for Williamson County.  The November election was going to be big for me and it was a presidential election year and the candidates were busy crisscrossing the country looking for votes.  And, for a change, Texas was a ‘toss-up’ state, so the candidates made several appearances in Austin and the area.  

I had talked extensively with my boss, Kay Pronts about my pending moving Mom to my house.  Kay had some advice.  “Hornets are generally calm when they have their own nest, but can really get provoked when you remove their nests.  My family had moved their mother into assisted living - and she kicked and screamed every step of the way. Make sure you have the legal documents - power of attorney, a medical analysis that she is incapable of living on her own.  And, assisted living wasn’t the place for her - and she found she could get outside and walk around in neighborhoods she didn’t know and got lost.  Eventually, we had to move her to a memory care unit and she went downhill from there.”

Linda did have Mom’s power of attorney, but we didn’t have the other documentation - just the knowledge (unsubstantiated) that she was having problems.  

That night I woke up about 3 a.m. and sat in a chair in our living room.  It was a time for prayer and reflection.  About 4 a.m. I somehow felt God’s peace on the situation and returned to bed.

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Linda got a call while she was at work on the following day.  Mom was at St. Mary’s Regional Hospital in Enid.  Seemingly she fell and broke her hip.  Somehow she managed to crawl to her phone and she dialed “0” (for the operator, not 911 for an emergency - maybe she didn’t remember that).  Mrs. Sample, her neighbor, helped the paramedics to get into the house and they found Mom on the floor moaning.  The hospital contacted her doctor’s office who gave them Linda’s phone number.  Linda passed on what she had heard to both Jared and myself.  I volunteered to go to Enid to be with her.

I let Kay, my boss know that I was going to be gone and didn’t have an idea of how long.

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As before, the drive was pretty uneventful.  I have an audiobook of Brene Brown on my iPhone that I listened to - although stopping from time-to-time to pray and reflect.  I was viewing this fall and broken hip as good things.  We could move Mom to be closer and be with family. 

I checked in at the hospital at about 4 p.m.  I first found out where Mom was.  She was in surgery for a hip replacement as her hip was severely fractured.  I sat in the waiting room and a nurse appeared and called me to a small conference room. I was with a physician assistant, the nurse, and myself.  

Megan, the PA welcomed me warmly.  She had X-Rays of Mom’s fracture and she pointed out the need for a hip replacement.  At Mom’s age, her bones were weak and the replacement was definitely the best option for her.  Medicare and her Medicare supplement would cover the costs.  She would need physical therapy when she was released.  

Megan then turned to the issue I wanted to hear about - dementia.

“Our staff gave your mother two standard dementia tests and she failed both of them.  Both required some memory and recall.” Megan gave me some of Mom’s answers and I was amazed to hear that George Bush was president, that Puerto Rico was a state, and that 12 minus 5 is 5. Megan continued “She didn’t get any of them correct.”

Megan looked up from her sheet of questions.  “Ann, I am pretty sure your Mother has some form of dementia.  And, it really doesn’t make much difference whether it is Alzheimer’s or some other form. 

She continued “With that, I strongly recommend that she get help.  There are probably several options - depending on her finances and preferences.  One option that I don’t recommend is that she stay at home.  She is a nuisance to herself.  I would suspect more falls and more troubles.  Definitely, she should not drive as she seems to miss traffic signals and seems to get lost.  Enid is not that big of a place and she has lived her for all of her life and she should know every street.”

“The second option is to move her to a memory care facility.  The third option is to move her to an assisted living facility.  

“And, the last option is that she moves in with you or somebody in your family.  That has good points and bad points.  She would have people who cared about her in her life daily.  Some studies suggest that having loved ones in your life will prolong the parent’s life.  The downside is that she will not be in Enid and not close to her friends, but I’m guessing her friend pool is already shrinking. You could find a Bible Study, church, activities in your area.  Some communities have a “Senior Daycare program where you could drop her off for the day, like a kids daycare.”

Megan continued “She will also need some physical therapy with her hip replacement.  For the next few weeks, I suggest she go to a residential rehab facility.  They will get her up and walking and do various physical and mental activities.”

Megan added “Not that it is my place, but I think that if she moved in with you or your family, and got into a rehab program, she would be happier and would live longer.  Her quality of life will be better than being in a facility, but it also takes a lot of work.”

She asked me “Do you work or are you retired?”

I told her about being the assistant director to the elections department.  

She then asked, “Do your sister and brother work?”  

I answered “Yes.  My sister is 67 and could retire, but I think she isn’t ready yet and she has a dog and Mom isn’t a dog person.  Our brother is 61 and still works.  My bias is that he is about three-and-one-half hours away from my sister and myself.  I think I could either retire or take an extended leave of absence.  I could enroll her in an adult daycare program while I work and between my sister having the summers off as a school psychologist and my work which tends to have very busy times and very light times we could make it happen.”

I swallowed hard and whispered “I think she could stay with me.  I could quit my job or take an extended leave of absence.”

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The family, including the spouses all, got on the conference call on my drive to Georgetown from Enid.  In the end, I volunteered to put her in Dyana’s bedroom and when Dyana comes home from college at Christmas she can sleep in Bethany’s room.  I knew of some places that did physical therapy for seniors and I would contact them when I got home.

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The next several months were challenging.  We did move Mom to my house, she did physical therapy,  

More next SATURDAY!!  (Back on Schedule)