Retirement coaching - Amy as a widow

Retirement Coaching #4

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I’m writing some Retirement Life Coaching stories. So, here is another attempt at writing:

Amy’s husband of 39 years died of a heart attack three months ago.  At age 68, Amy is not sure how she will survive emotionally.  They had a good marriage

He left her a reasonable estate.  Plus, much of that estate also came from Amy as she worked outside the home after the children were grown and gone. They had a joint retirement account where she will receive about 75% of the income they had together, and Amy is pretty sure she can live on that.  She did have a somewhat separate life as she was active in a social bridge group, the community choir, her church choir, and the Newton sewing and quilting guild.  Together they attended the same church and she did have aspects to all their financial information.  Now she sits alone in the church, sits alone on the couch, and cooks a meal for one person.

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Now, Amy’s world was upside down.  Her husband, Matt, was dead, but she was alive - barely.  

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Amy came to me (as a retirement life coach) to talk about her options.  I listened carefully and asked good questions to keep her thinking.

It has been three months.  Amy thought it was time to move on.  Matt was gone and she wasn’t - the ache was very strong..  

She liked living in Newton Kansas.  It was a small-enough, friendly-enough town that had been home to her for her adult life.  

She liked her house - where she and Matt had lived for over 20 years.  While their children were in another house when they were born, this was the house where they grew up.  She had kept their rooms pretty much as they had been left when they moved away.  

But, memories were tough on her in that house.  There were pictures of her and Matt and the children.  As she got a particular pan in the kitchen for cooking, she could remember the smells and tastes of meals from long ago, and the times she had washed this particular pan - maybe with Megan after dinner and a time to talk to her daughter, and with Steve and a chance to talk with her son.  (Megan was a much better conversationalist than Steve, but as a Mom, she loved them both equally!!!)

Amy asked me if she should stay in the house or move to another house or apartment.  I know why clients want me to tell them what to do, but I refrained from doing so.  I took a Post-It newsprint sheet and put it up on the wall and we tried to list the pros and cons.

The house was paid for; it was close to everything.  She could walk to the grocery store, and to church and to the senior center - although she generally drove.  She knew where every item in the house belonged.  And, there were so many wonderful memories.

But, she felt the house was too big for her now.  It had four bedrooms: the master bedroom, her sewing and craft room, Megan’s Room, and Steve’s room.  She rarely went into either of the last two rooms.  The yard was nice, she planted flowers and maintained the yard, but lately had been hiring Josh Logan, the neighbor boy, to mow the grass and do odds-and-ends for her.  

It was lovely - and it needed updating.  She had looked on a website to check out the value of her property and realized it wasn’t as valuable as she had hoped.  Even if she sold it, finding a smaller, newer place that would be suitable to her was going to be a challenge - and probably more expensive.  But, a new place would soon become home and the cloud of Matt’s death would lift a little.  

I tried to get her to think of a new place - how big, what colors, what furniture, what appliances, and where she might want to be located.

The kitchen and appliances were first on her list.  “I want a French Door refrigerator with water and ice in the door” was the immediate response.  She wanted a kitchen table for two - kind of a ‘breakfast nook’ where she and a friend could share a cup of coffee.  Her dining table needed to hold four - not so much as for a meal as for card playing.  The living room would be comfortable, but not ostentatious.

After a few more minutes, her face lit up. “Oh my, just thinking of a new house is exciting to me.  Does that mean I want to move?”  I smiled back and said, “Amy, they both have advantages.” (Retirement life coaches are to guide, not to answer directly)!!!

After a few more minutes, and a pause I asked “Amy, I have a few questions for you.  You can stay at your house, you can find a new house - or a new to you - house, or you could get an apartment.  I’m not sure you are ready, but you could also move to Edmunds Oklahoma where Megan lives or Wichita where Steve lives.  You could move to the same community as your sisters or you could stay in Newton.  There are a lot of options.  Another option is senior housing - where everybody in the facility is a senior and they do things together.  There is also assisted living, but I don’t think you are ready for that”.

Amy turned to me and laughed.  “And, I thought today’s session was going to be more on grieving than moving.”  She paused.  “But, thinking about living and changes and challenges are helping me out of the grieving process.” 

She continued “I don’t want to be a pain for Megan or Steve.  While I can’t have biases, I do have biases.  I love my son, but I don’t think I would fit into his and Sara’s household.  But, on the other hand, I could live in or near Megan and we would be the best of friends”. She paused and lowered her voice.  “When my father died, my Mom lived alone for a while, and Matt and I invited her to live with us.  Yes, there were some challenges - health and mental health - but there were blessings too.  If I asked, Megan would say ‘yes’, but I’m not quite ready for that move yet.”

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So, here we are - another week and another story.  As mentioned, I am exploring being a “Retirement Life Coach” and trying to see if I can function as one.  If my friends have comments, I’d love to hear them.  

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Hugs!!

Karen