Depression / Suicide - October 19, 2020

 Depression / Suicide - October 19, 2020

Hi Readers!!

(Wow, if I was reading this, I might not read today!!!)

A year ago on October 19, I went to the Rock Creek Mental Hospital for four days.  I want to write about it.

As my wife and I moved towards a divorce (which happened officially ten days ago), we were in discussions on financial matters.  I ceded her the house and offered to split the remaining assets 50/50.  She wanted 70/30 (in her favor - plus the house).  I guess in negotiations you need to put in your proposal.  (More later)

I was already outside my family, it had (at that point) been a year without seeing our two children and five awesome grandchildren.  I was a “man without a family” (or “woman without a family).  

My thoughts were basically, “Why should I continue?  Go ahead, take it all, I don't need it!!  I have no value in your eyes - take it, and “from dust-to-dust’ for me”!!  

I sent my wife a note saying “If I am not here tomorrow, I am leaving a note in my desk drawer for you”.  (“Not here tomorrow, was meaning “not alive tomorrow”).

But, about 20 minutes after sending that note, and (getting it out, and actually feeling good - and not intending any bodily harm at that point), a LOUD pounded came at my door.  I tried to ignore it.  Then a loud voice accompanying the loud pounding “THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN UP”.  I tried to ignore that.  This was repeated until I sensed they (a) weren’t going away; and (b) would find a way to get in (like getting a key from the apartment management). 

There were two uniformed police, although only one did the talking.  

Had I threatened to do bodily harm to my body in a note to my wife?

I had.  To this day, I’m not sure if it was a real threat or one to get her to negotiate in good faith  I did have a plan - that I may not have executed that evening - but I did have a plan.

The spokesperson said I could go “willingly” or he would take me “unwillingly” to the Rock Springs Mental Facility.  (I didn’t even know what place he was talking about!!!).  I opted for the “willingly” (which didn’t sound all that “willingly”).  

[Aside - I had “weaned” myself off my depression medication about two months before this, and a series of negatives had really cut my self-esteem and value to nil.]

I stayed in this facility for four days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday).  There was only one person who knew where I was (my wife).

I talked to psychologists and counselors - and was allowed to leave on Tuesday.

*****

But, I HAD value!!  

I was to play with the Brushy Creek Brass Band for Oktoberfest that Saturday night - and I didn’t show up.  In particular, Anne, Linda, Joe, and Jayne were worried about me.  Anne stopped by my apartment - and my car was there, but I wasn’t. On Sunday, after Church, where Anne would normally see me - and I wasn’t there, Anne got an apartment person to open up my apartment - so they could check if I was dead in my apartment.  

Good News for them, I wasn’t dead in my apartment - but with my car in the parking lot, where was I?  Had I got out and drowned in the San Gabriel River?  Had I gone to some secluded space and slashed my wrists?  

Anne and Linda hit on an idea.  If anybody might know where I was, it was probably my wife.  With some sleuthing and Google, they found where my wife lived and showed up on her doorstep.  With reluctance, my wife said I was at the Rock Springs Mental Hospital.  

[Another aside … one of the last things you might want to hear is that your friend is in a hospital - and a mental hospital at that!!!]

Anne, Joe, and Jayne had to work with the Rock Springs authorities to see if they would visit me.  I had to allow them to visit me!!  (But, of course, I wanted to see my friends).  And, it was a joyous reunion with my friends.

*****

I was put back on my depression medication and was released the next day.  Anne demanded that I memorize her phone number (which I did) and anytime - day or night - if I was having problems I was to call her. (Actually, we don’t call each other much - but we TEXT multiple times most days!!!) 

*****

Lessons learned 

-1 We ALL have value!!  Behind the darkest clouds are sunny skies!!!  

-2 FRIENDS (like Anne, Linda, Joe, and Jayne) are so valuable

-3 Suicide is NOT a viable option.  

-4 Even though nobody really wants to get locked up in a mental hospital, they do provide help!!

-5 GOD IS SO GOOD - Always!!!

-6 LOVE WINS!!!  

My friends, like KW (who I helped when she was ready to harm herself) - get help. If I can, I will come and be with you. I know that God helped me (though many people). Don't give up. Victory is coming!!!

*****

To close, let’s have these verses from the 23rd Psalm:

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

No matter how dark, how bleak, how disheartening - there is help!!

LOVE DOES WIN!!!

HUGS!!

Karen

(We did split the rest of the financial 50/50!! But, even now, I realize that "Stuff" is "Stuff" - and I don't need all that much "stuff" anymore!!!)