Toxic People - Part II - Toxic Spouses

https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a31098253/signs-of-toxic-marriage/

Today (day two of looking at toxic people), I am looking at Oprah Winfrey’s Magazine and “Signs of a Toxic Marriage”!!)

-1 It feels like your thoughts and opinions are locked on mute.

In last Saturday’s Story, Elaine (the wife) thought her husband wasn’t listening to her. It felt like any time she expressed herself, she was wrong. 

She wanted to go on a weekend trip away alone and had suggested Minneapolis, but her husband took her to nearby Omaha for dinner.

She wanted to work part-time in her field (nursing), but her husband didn’t want her to work.

She wanted the children to have play-dates with friends, and again, her husband said ‘no’.

She expressed that her husband just wasn’t listening to her.

*****

-2 It seems as if you don't have control over your day-to-day decisions.

Even the simple aspects of having a play-date with another child when preschool is not in session was nixed by Devon (her husband). That is a parenting question - but (in my opinion) more one that is to be decided by the mother.  She should know the other child (children), and the other mother, and should be able to judge appropriate about a play-date.

-3 Compromise is an infrequent visitor in your home.

In a fair marriage, the couple can reach a compromise.  In this case, maybe the husband didn’t want to get too far away from home - so the evening in Omaha was okay, but then they could plan a longer trip for the Christmas holidays (or Thanksgiving break, spring break, summer vacation) - compromise let’s both sides win!!

-4 When you try to set boundaries, they're ignored.

Toxic people seem to set the boundaries.  Like the bullies in yesterday’s blog, toxic people seem to want to ‘call the shots’ and ‘set the boundaries’.  While they probably don’t have a huge button that says “I AM THE BOSS”, they could have!!

-5 They sabotage or guilt-trip your efforts to evolve.

In the story, the lady (Elaine) wanted to work part-time, to keep her skills in her field (nursing) active.  It might be after the children are in school, that she could go back to work.  In this case, the husband didn’t want her to work, but be around the house with the children.

-6 There may be secrets to unmask.

In the article, an expert says, ““Healthy marriages should consist of deep friendship, which begins with authenticity and trust,”

And, “Bottom line: dishonesty contaminates the soil of relationships—because a bond is only as lasting and strong as the truth it's built upon.”

Is there something going on where one spouse is so toxic?  Is he (or she) having an affair?  Are they (the toxic spouse)  hiding something from the other spouse? 

-7 They disempower your individuality and attempt to isolate you from others.

Being married is where ‘two become one’. But, they still are individuals.

The author, Lacey Johnson said it this way, “ Each individual should exercise their right to friendships, hobbies, and passions. So, if your spouse tries to siphon your individuality and quarantine you from society, it might indicate serious trouble ahead.”

-8 They violate your privacy and personal space.

Toxic spouses can be very jealous.  Jealous spouses suspect their partners of sneaking around, so toxic/jealous spouses might listen into phone conversations, might check your email or texts, might even check out your drawers and closet.  

-9 Anytime there is strife, they deflect responsibility

Hey, we all are going to mess up at times, and we also can disagree with each other.  Early on in my marriage, I learned the “magic phrase”,” I was wrong and you were right”.  

*****

There is an old joke.  The man is telling his (male) friend “I married Mrs. Right, unfortunately, she is RIGHT about everything, all the time!!”  This is not the Super Bowl.  Winning isn’t everything, but being in love and living in a loving relationship is the basis for a successful marriage.

Tomorrow we will look at the rest of the list, and on Thursday we’ll try to draw some conclusions.  Friday we’ll have a LOVE WINS column and on Saturday a Story that goes with toxicity!!

LOVE DOES WIN

HUGS!!

Karen