Toxic People - Part III

https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a31098253/signs-of-toxic-marriage/

This week we are looking at toxic people - and in particular - toxic relations - toxic marriages.

The article in Oprah Magazine has some good points.  We should finish the article today and do a discussion tomorrow!!

-10 You Feel Insecure.

Your toxic spouse doesn’t listen to you; you have little or no say in discussions on money, family, or other decisions - no wonder you feel insecure.  You just don’t matter to your toxic spouse anymore.

-11 The Relationship Is Highly Argumentative, Chaotic, Or Volatile.

This seems counterintuitive - in some toxic marriages, the non-toxic spouse does try to keep fighting.  

The article says this interesting tidbit, “You may feel like you’re often walking on eggshells, never knowing when something you do or say might rattle their emotional cage.”

You don’t want to upset your toxic spouse - that might keep you quiet!!!

-12 It May Appear As Though Your Spouse Is Always Keeping Score.

Your toxic spouse might show you some gratitude occasionally - before he or she lays another set of demands on you.  Kind of like “I just praised you - now yield to my ‘demands’.

-13 Intimacy Is Becoming Obsolete.

Withholding intimacy is poor for communications - and poor for the marriage.  The non-toxic spouse has become a ‘second-class citizen’.

The article says, “Genuine intimacy transcends physical connection and sexual satisfaction. It involves emotional affection. Sometimes it looks like sharing a painful situation and being met with a soothing embrace, a tender kiss, or a word of encouragement. Or, it could simply be cuddling on the couch. True intimacy is having a soft place to land, and involves the exchange of your personal desires and goals as well as your demons.“When intimacy is withdrawn or completely missing, each partner will begin to feel unimportant, and the relationship struggles considerably,”

-14 They're Hyper Critical.

Toxic people rarely compliment others.  EGO is their thing.  You shovel the driveway and sidewalk of a foot of new, wet, slushy snow, and they say, “you tracked in”.  (Not, thank you).

Now, this goes for more than just topic people. I used 1 Thessalonians 5:17 “In everything give thanks” before.  But, giving “thanks” to people, to friends, even to enemies is also important.  Do you save “thanks” to the check out clerk at the grocery store, to the server at the restaurant, to EVERYONE you meet?

  

-15 Your Light Is Dimming.

As marriages grow, each person should grow - and let their light shine.  But in a toxic situation, the toxic person puts a damper on the non-toxic person.  Who wants to let their light shine when you will be criticized for it?

-16 Your Core Values Are Wildly Different, And It’s Wreaking Havoc On The Future You Envision For Yourself.

We do change over the years.  Those 20-something kids that said “I do” once-upon-a-time; are now 50 or 60 or 70.  Maybe one was quite conservative in their 20s and is now quite liberal (or vise-versa).  Maybe one ‘found’ religion; maybe one has drifted into alcoholism.  And, maybe one who was loving, encouraging, and forgiving in their 20s is now toxic, discouraging, and hold grudges in their 50s.

-17 But Even If Your Marriage Seems Toxic, It’s Not Necessarily Too Late To Reset

I am a believer that every person can change into a better version of themself.  Let’s call it “repentance” or “change for the better” or “a better version”.  But, that person has to want to change.  I cannot change you, I can only change myself!!

*****

So, we have looked at the 17 points about toxic marriages (and really just toxicity) from this article in Oprah’s Magazine.  

Proverbs 25:24 says, “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 27:15-16 says a similar concept, “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike…”

While those both refer to a wife/woman, such toxicity is not gender-specific.  

So, okay - how can we live with a toxic spouse - or a toxic business colleague?

We will talk about that tomorrow!!!

LOVE WINS!!

HUGS!!

Karn