Toxic People - part IV

Toxic People - part IV

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship

I’m going to start with the two quotes from Proverbs from yesterday’s blog:

Proverbs 25:24 says, “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 27:15-16 says a similar concept, “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike…”

(Aside, in the Judeo-Christian tradition, women are not treated as well as today.  So, both of these verses talk of women - (quarrelsome wife and contentious woman).  Toxicity (at least to me) more frequently is male-oriented - as in toxic bosses, bosses (or others) attempting to seduce women (aka resulting in the “Me-Too” movement), husbands abusing their wives in domestic violence.)

So, version 2 of the first proverb above - it is better to live alone in the corner of an attic, than with a toxic or abusive husband!!

So, how to handle a toxic relationship?

First, you need to understand that you are in a difficult situation, with a difficult relationship.  

Accepting where you are - and what you are dealing with seems to be straight forward, but generally necessary.  Yes, you can be like me (Pollyanna) - where everything is going to work out. - but that isn’t always going to make it.  Getting angry, getting even, pushing back against a toxic person, just might make you more anxious, 

Let’s make an analogy.  COVID-19.  This could be a toxic relationship.  Sure it isn’t dealing with a person, but if you get angry at the virus what goes is that going to do?  If you ignore the virus and keep living your ‘normal’ life (if you could), of going out shopping, going to work, not wearing a mask, not washing your hands, not being aware of the potential dangers - including death just isn’t going to work with COVID.  You have to accept “it is what it is!!!”.  With a toxic relationship, “it is what it is” might be your way of accepting it.

Second, you can only change yourself.  If the toxic person blames all the trouble on you, that isn’t true.  The toxic person got fired from his/her job - and it is all YOUR FAULT - (not true).

Another analogy.  At college hockey games, the home fans liked to heckle the opposing team’s goalie.  If your team scored a goal, you might hear the chant (directed to the goalie), “It is all your fault”.  That isn’t really true.  Yes, the puck slipped past the goalie, but where were the other defenders?  Wasn’t the rest of the team doing their job of poking the puck away from potential shooters?  Yes, a great goalie can stop almost any shot, but it isn’t an ‘alone’ thing - it isn’t really “THEIR” fault - but the fault of the entire defensive effort.

Third - tell the truth (Ephesians 4:15 says “Speak the truth in love”).  Lying can frequently be found out.  (The toxic person can find out that you were talking behind their back).  Speak the truth.  

The linked article puts it this way, “It takes courage to tell the truth because often it makes people angry. But they will probably be mad at you anyway, no matter what you do. They almost certainly won’t like the new, truth-telling you—and that will make them likely to avoid you in the future.”

Hey, if they are going to be mad at you anyway, might as well as honest to yourself as well as the other person!!!

Fourth - don’t lash out in anger!!  That toxic person just said something really mean about me in front of the whole group.  AND … I want to throw some dirt into his/her face as well.  But, like sending a note written in anger will rarely give you the peace you want!!!

And, finally - show mercy, forgiveness, and love!!

Luke 6:26-31 says “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Do you recognize that last sentence - “Do to others as you would have them do to you”?  That is called the “Golden Rule”.  Love your enemies - pray for them, turn the other cheek, give them what they want!!  

That is showing mercy, forgiveness, and love!!  No, you probably can’t get that person to change (after all, you can only change yourself) - but you will be demonstrating LOVE WINS!!!  

*****

Toxic people, bullies, people that rub you the wrong way happen.  It is what it is.  You can’t change them, but you need to live in your own body - accept, love, show mercy, live a life of peace!!  

I can’t guarantee that they won’t hit you, abuse you, attack you, verbally and physically.  I’m sorry if they do.  But practicing love, mercy, non-violence is the way to go!!

Love Wins!!

HUGS!!

Karen