Toxic People - part I

 Toxic People - 1

https://www.redonline.co.uk/health-self/self/a28577908/signs-a-person-is-toxic/

In life, we will know of - or work with - or be married to -toxic people.  This week is a bridge between last Saturday’s Story (the wife who went to me for counseling - because of what she perceived as a toxic marriage), and this coming Saturday’s Story.

So, today, we will look at the linked article and get a start on understanding toxic people, how to love toxic people, how to identify toxicity in others - and in yourself, and how to find ways to let “LOVE WIN” in toxic situations!!!  

So, if I am to “love everybody” and “love wins”, that can be a challenge with somebody who is hard for me to love.

The article starts with this point:

-1  You're Left Feeling Emotionally Exhausted After An Encounter With Them.

Let’s say you just spent an hour at work on a new project.  And, every point that was brought up was opposed by this other, toxic person.  It seems as if they ‘love’ being negative!!!

At the end of the meeting, or at end of the day, you feel put upon and put down.

-2 They Try To Intimidate You To Get Their Way

In recent years, the concept of ‘bullying’ has become more visible.  Bullying has been defined as “seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable)”.

They can yell, interrupt, dominate discussions to be heard over others.

-3 They Try Control You By Guilt Tripping

“You just have to do this for me”.  I get guilt tripped frequently.  (I’m not sure if I’m just naive, too vulnerable, or gullible!!).  In most cases, I let them (that is, the toxic person) do it to me!!  (Wow - am I weak!!)

Have you ever had a toxic ‘friend’ who is moving (locally) who ‘makes’ you feel guilty if you don’t help? (Something like “If you don’t help me, I won’t get moved out on time, I’ll have to pay extra rent on my old place. Please help me”!!  

Yes, it is your choice.  You can be straight-forward - “I just don’t like helping anybody move - just not anything that I am good at or that I enjoy. You can get paid help for your move by contacting Manpower (or any other short-term employment agency. And it will be much less than paying that extra rent. Sorry, but carrying a sofa upstairs just isn’t my idea of really helping you.”

You can say “yes, I’ll help”, and then mentally be mad at yourself the whole day!!

You can say “yes” - and mentally picture the love, grace, and mercy flowing from God.  

It can be hard to love a toxic person!!!

-4 They Are Easily Jealous

The article puts this as, “This one is tricky because not all boundaries are valid. Toxic people use 'boundaries' as a means of control, and then play the victim role when their 'boundaries' are crossed or not respected”.

-5 They Constantly See Themselves as a Victim

When a toxic person picks on you or attacks you - life is good for them - because you have had such a favored existence.  When somebody attacks them, they are the victims.  It is all about THEM!!  Toxic people seem to love putting somebody down.

-6 They Give Backhanded Compliments

Toxic people just don’t know how to be team players. They feel the need to drag somebody down - to make themselves feel better.

-7 They are Overly Defensive

Toxic people “need” to win and hate being picked on.  They will find an excuse in a business setting if their point doesn’t win.  They might even call you sneaky and underhanded (not because you are, but because their attitude can’t allow them to lose. 

*****

Okay, just a start on “Toxic Week”.  

To be honest, in my retirement, I don’t have many toxic people in my life.  I can choose my friends and the people I like to spend time with.  But, back in the workplace, I’ve had toxic people that I worked with.  

In my last position, I was a senior person with credentials, publications, consulting and yet my team person (who had taught the class more) always knew “better”.  (Okay, a not very loving story.  We were working on a project and he suggested that I wasn’t being helpful to give up my day for his activities instead of finding a mutually agreeable time.  So, for a period of time, I just refused to work with him.  He couldn’t be toxic if I didn’t interact with him. A quick flashback, I actually was helping a friend move and I was the bad guy because I didn't put my friend off and do 'his bidding'!!

LOVE WINS

HUGS!!!

Karen