Saturday Story, Saturday, October 3, 2020

 Saturday Story, Saturday, October 3, 2020

Devin and Elaine had been married eight years before she came to me for counseling.  While I specialize in senior life coaching and motivation, she had talked to Nancy who had recommended me.  

While I know counseling and coaching, marriage counseling wasn’t a strength (or so I thought).

Elaine had filled out a questionnaire before coming in.  Her immediate problem, according to the questionnaire, was a “toxic husband”.  

We started slowly, getting to know each other.  To effectively counsel, I knew I needed to build rapport.  I knew some of the information from the intake form, but it breaks the ice a little to find out more about the person.  We had a couple of things to laugh about - like her age of 33, and I said she didn’t look a day over 12.  (That’s a common counseling joke to get a patient laughing).  I complimented her clothes and her hair - which was a delightfully short and sassy style.  (Oh, don’t I wish, I was 33 again and could do something with my hair!!)

But, we didn’t linger too long on the introductions as she was not paying me to compliment her choices in clothes or hairstyle.  

I started “So, Elaine, what brings you to me?”

Elaine briefly had “the deer in the headlight” look - like she didn’t want to talk about it, but she had made the appointment and needed to get it out in the open.

“It’s about my husband, Devon.  I’m not quite sure I can put my finger on it, but he has become demanding, not listening to me, and, ahh, just so negative to me.”

I asked, “Do you mean he is kind of toxic?”

Elaine quickly responded “Yes, that’s it.  Whatever I want, he is against.  It seems if I say ‘the sky is blue’ that he would contradict me and say it is ‘azure’ or ‘teal’ or ‘cornflower’.  

I nodded and waited for her to go on.

Elaine continued “For my birthday, a month ago, I had suggested getting away someplace.  Maybe a trip to Minneapolis, or even Kansas City,  have a hotel room for a couple of nights, see the sights.  I wanted to go to Minneapolis and see the museums and zoo, and maybe a trip to Duluth and along the North Shore of Lake Superior.  When I first suggested it, he laughed and even a kind of sneer and said ‘that would be stupid’.  I don’t care if it is stupid, it was my birthday, we have the money, and I thought it might be nice.”

“Instead he took me to Valentinos in Omaha for dinner.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Valentino’s, but I wanted someplace different.  We had a drink and dinner and then home (and he plopped on the sofa and watched a ballgame).  About 9:00, I came out of our bedroom with my new teddy on and sat next to him.  “I tried to talk with him - you know - whose playing, was this the playoffs, and snuggled next to him - trying to give him suggestions, but it was like I was sitting next to a zombie.”

“We’ve argued about my working.  Chad is in first grade this year and Tamra is in the four-year-old preschool.  I work about five hours in the morning at Hillcrest assisted living senior home.  They need some help with breakfast and getting set up for lunch, and getting all the residents their pills and done to the common room for singing, or bingo, or exercise.  I finish about 30 minutes before Tamra finishes preschool, and I get to go in and stand in the back of the room and help her teacher get the kids ready to go home.  I make enough money for our car payments and for our taxes.  And, I like working, I like getting out of the house.  Tamra needs to meet and socialize a little.  He just wants me to stay home and suffocate!!”

“The few times that preschool is off - holidays and such - Tamra and I had play-dates either at our house or the other child’s house.  It seems like he doesn’t like that either.”

“It just seems like I have no say-so in our marriage and that he is the boss, and the controller and the end of every discussion, every thought, and every plan.

*****

Elaine paused

I had listened attentively to her comments.  My thoughts were mixed.  Was this such a one-sided marriage?  I needed to hear the other side.  Is this marriage headed for divorce?  Possibly - but if they both want the marriage to survive, and if they are willing to compromise and to seek for love and depth in each other, it could continue.  

Like many things in life, our thoughts make the difference.  In Shakespeare’s Hamlet,  Act 2 - scene 2, Hamlet says “Why, then, ’tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

It was my term to ask questions and to clarify some things.  

“Elaine,” I asked, “let’s see, you’ve been married about eight years?”

Elaine nodded yes.

I wanted more background.

I said “Can you tell me how you met?  Did he sweep you off your feet?”   Was he romantic then? How did you relate to him?”

Elaine shared their background.  They met at college as they were in the same calculus class.  Devon seemed to know what he was doing in calculus and she approached him to help her.  Over that semester, they had gotten closer.  He wasn’t all that romantic.  She looked up to him for his knowledge and the way he could explain calculus to her.

I then asked, “Tell me about your marriage and early years?”

Elaine talked of the wedding - in her home church in Seward Nebraska.  They didn’t have much money, so their honeymoon was to drive to Colorado.  They went to Rocky Mountain National Park and went hiking up Longs Peak.  They had a rustic room in an old cabin.  

Elaine laughed “It was cold that night.  We had jeans and light jackets, but we weren’t ready for that.  There was a wood-burning stove, with a few chunks of wood.  I sent Devon to the manager of the cabins to buy a bundle of wood.  That took the chill off the room, but as the fire died down, we had to huddle together more to stay warm”

She laughed again, and added, “But newlyweds would have snuggled and huddled together anyway!!!”

They came back to Gretna Nebraska where Devon had taken a teaching and coaching job.  

Elaine said, “I had my nursing state board test to take, so our first months were pretty quiet - as Devon was learning how to teach and as an assistant football coach, he was busy after school and on Friday for games.  I passed my nursing state board exam and started to work at St. Helen’s Hospital in Papillon.  It wasn’t too far away - about twenty minutes.  I worked there for two years until late into my pregnancy with Chad.  After Chad was born, I stopped working.  

She continued “Times were tough - we ran out of money before we ran out of month!!  I started working at Hillcrest Senior Living on Saturday and Sunday.  Devon watched Chad and I brought in some income.  But, then two years later, Tamra was born, so we had two children under 3 years old.  Somehow, we squeezed enough money out for Devon to go to the University of Nebraska-Omaha to work on his master’s degree.  We thought if he could get to the Master’s Level, he’d get a bump in pay - which we needed.”

She added “He went to school two nights a week and a Saturday class, for three semesters, and in the summer, he also picked up three classes online. He finished his Master’s Degree in a year-and-one-half and he did get his boost on the salary-schedule.”

“I was so glad that Devon’s Aunt Betty and Uncle Mike were close - it seemed like we needed them at least one night a week for that year-and-one-half. Chad was a wonderful baby.  He finished two months before Tamra was born.” she said.

Going on, Elaine said “But, the time just didn’t get any better.  The Superintendent liked Devon and liked his ambition to go for a master’s degree and asked last summer if he would try the assistant principal’s job at the middle school.  That took a lot of time.  Yes, we now have more money, but it seems like he is gone too many nights for events and activities.  He is still the assistant football coach - plus the administrative things.”

 *****

So, what should I do?  Elaine’s marriage is coming apart.  Her husband is getting bossy, demanding, not listening to her, trying to run her life, and just plain toxic.

*****

To me, the timing is interesting.  It seems like Devon’s move into middle school assistant principal combined with football, extra meetings, more responsibility, have pressured him to a position of toxicity.  

If the finances are better, maybe Devon could drop being an assistant football coach (or drop out of being the middle school assistant principal.  It seems to me that he is most likely tired, worn out, needing a break, and instead of that, he is taking it out on his wife.  

And Elaine might need to try to understand, ‘walk a mile in his shoes’.  What can she do to make the marriage work better?  Can the marriage be saved?  Can Devon find a way to love life - and to love Elaine again?  Can Elaine find ways to support Devon in his new (and seemingly very taxing role (and taxing can lead to toxic!!!)

LOVE WINS!!!

HUGS!!

Karen