Saturday Story - October 10, 2020

 Saturday Story - October 10, 2020

(Last week, Elaine, a mother with two children, came to talk about her toxic husband.  He didn’t seem to like her ideas, contradicted her at every step, and seems to be very bossy about her working outside the home.)

It was about 6:10 when Devon showed up online for our meeting.  He apologized for being late.  He had football practice, as an assistant coach, then had to finish off some pressing problems as the assistant principal at the Gretna (Nebraska) Middle School), make a few phone calls, and finally get to me. Our appointment was at 5:00 - so he was late.  

As he came online, I sent a text that I had been waiting to send.

From our opening interaction, I could sense he was tense - maybe even angry.  I said, in the informal way of greeting “How are you?” and 95% of people will answer “fine”.  He answered “tired and frustrated.”

When I probed his answers “So, Devon, why are you tired and frustrated?” 

He answered “I’m not sure why I am here - that is - doing an online meeting with a counselor.  Elaine begged me, forced me to do this.  That is so unlike her.  She generally is loving, and kind.” (and he added) “which is why I love her so much”. (and then returned to his comment) “She thought her talk last week was so beneficial to her and insisted I talk with you.”

I said, “Go on”.

He said “I took this assistant principal job to help out - to make more money.  With two kids and Elaine only working part-time, we just don’t have enough money to go around.”

“Like last month, she insisted on a trip for her birthday.  She wanted a weekend in Minneapolis.  I just couldn’t give up the time.  Football practice had started, I was trying to understand what my job functions were going to be at my new position.” He paused again “I think she told you I’ve taken a position as the Assistant Principal at Gretna Middle School”; then continued “We did kind of compromise.  We went into Omaha for the night, dinner, some light shopping at the mall.  I tried to relax but my brain is tied in knots.”

“She’s been hard to live with.  She wants to do things with me, she wants me to play football with Chad, she is asking me little things about decorating and stuff - and I just can’t do it.  She is getting on my nerves.”

I nodded and paused to see if he had more to say.  

Devon looked into the camera, and I sensed that he was done, so I took over.

“Devon”, I said. “I know Elaine but I don’t know you, other than what she told me.  How did you meet?”

His face lit up a little.  That was a good sign.

“We were in college together, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.  I was a biology education major and for that major, I needed to take calculus.  Elaine was a nursing major and she also needed calculus.”

He laughed a little nervously.

Shortly into the class, she approached me to see if I could help her with an assignment.  We set up a time to meet in one of the study rooms at the library.  She was pretty lost in calculus.  So, for the rest of the semester, I met with her several times - probably two to five times a week to go over calculus.  And “, he paused and a smile came over him “I got so I liked working with her - and really - I got to really like her.”

I asked, “So, what did you like about Elaine?”

He thought a second and answered, “She was, ah, kind of the perfect small-town girl.  She wasn’t in a sorority as some of the girls were.  Some of them were pretty snooty about that, and put on airs, but not Elaine.  I loved her smile - her face would light up and her blue eyes would twinkle.  Gradually, I fell for her, and she for me.”

I continued “Was this in your freshman year?”

Devon answered, “No, it was fall semester sophomore year.  In my freshman year, I was a walk-on football player.” (I nodded - as I understood that he hadn’t been offered a football scholarship, but still wanted to play).  “But, I played on the practice squad, I never got into a game.  I was too slow to be a big-time player, and I was too light to be a lineman.  But, I got to meet and interact with the Nebraska coaching staff and the players. Actually, that is what allowed me to become an assistant football coach at Gretna High School as I had been part of the Nebraska football program.”

Then I asked, “So, you dated her your junior and senior years?”

He answered “Yes, by the end of the calculus class we had gotten close and were dating.  We did take Calc II the next semester and Elaine did much better because she understood what was going on.”  He paused and looked me in the eyes “She is a smart lady.  I really lucked out as a dumb jock getting a great wife.”

I asked, “So, can you tell me about the wedding and honeymoon?”

Devon answered my question. “The wedding was in her home church in Steward.  I had met her parents several times and I really like them.  My parents divorced when I was in middle school and I ended up with my Mom.  So, I appreciate her having two loving parents.”

“We came from similar religious backgrounds - I was raised in an ELCA Lutheran Church and she was in a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran Church, but they are pretty compatible - with some little doctrinal differences here and there.”

“We went to Colorado for our honeymoon.  We didn’t have much money, although I had signed a contract to teach science at Gretna Middle School, so we opted for the cheap honeymoon, hiking around Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park.  We climbed Longs Peak - and even had a snowball fight at the top in July.  We stayed in a rustic cabin.”

Devon laughed at the thought of the trip.  “Elaine slipped on our hike and one of her feet into the freezing-cold water.  She was cold the whole day after that.  We had to have a fire in our cabin to warm her up.  It was a really neat, low-cost honeymoon - and we really learned to love each other in a special way”

Devon blushed a little as he mentioned learning to love in a special way.

I couldn’t let it go, so I asked “Do you mean sexually?”

Devon knew I was a coach/counselor but talking about sex to another lady was a bit of a challenge for me.

“Yea”, he answered.

I pushed it farther.  “I know you have two children, Chad and Tamra.  Devon, I know this might be hard for you, but please, if I am to understand and help you ane Elaine, I need to ask this delicate question - how is your sex life currently?”

Devon’s blush turned even deeper red, he put his head down and stammered, “I guess it isn’t so good.  This new position is a lot of work, then it is football season and my nights and weekends are tied up with football.”  he paused and said quietly “I guess I haven’t been very - ah - loving in bed for the last few months”. 

There was another pause - a longer one this time.  “I know I need to be more open to Elaine and -ah - sex, but, I’ve just been too busy.”

He then asked me a question.  “Dr. White, is this why she saw you and why she wanted me to talk to you?”

I gave a little nod.  That wasn’t the whole story, but he was catching on.

I asked, “Devon, what are the most important things in your life?”

He didn’t need to think about this as he answered quickly, “Elaine, Chad, and Tamra, but Elaine is my partner, my love, my wife.  I love my wife so much.”

I probed a little farther.  “Devon, can you tell me about your feelings at Chad’s birth?”

(Now I was hitting home!!)

 

I could see some glistening in his eyes.

He answered “It was awesome - no - somewhere beyond awesome - miraculous.  I hadn’t been in turn with her pregnancy, maybe I was just the average male there.  In the last two months, she had a burnt orange dress, and I called her the great pumpkin.  I thought it was funny, but it was cruel and unloving.  But, then being in the delivery room, holding her hand, encouraging her, watching her struggle, and seeing this tiny baby come out of her.” He stopped to wipe at his eyes.  In a few seconds, he regained his composure and continued.  “Elaine was a real trooper.  I don’t think men really understand pregnancy and life - like women do.” He stopped again.

We sat in silence for a minute as he reflected on those days.  

He continued slowly “Dr. White”.  

I interrupted “Call me Karen”.

He lifted his eyes and said “Karen, I haven’t been fair to Elaine.  I’ve let work overwhelm me, I’ve been selfish and living in my own world.”

Our eyes locked for a second.  

I asked quietly - almost inaudibly, “Devon, what are the most important things in your life?”

I anticipated his answer - and I was right!!

He was looking down again and crying just a little. “I have three most important things in my life - although calling them things isn’t right.  They are people - Elaine, the love of my life; Chad, my son, my buddy, my ‘go-to-guy’; and Tamra, my princess, she gives me such unrestricted love.”

He broke down totally and wept loudly for a minute.

He finally continued “I thought we needed more income, so I added this new job, I’m still coaching, I’m up-to-my-eyeballs in work.  Yes, the pay is nice.” he paused. “But, I’m becoming a stranger to my wife and family.”

The weeping continued.

He whispered - not so much to me as to the world - “I’ve been a bit of a jerk, I’ve let my job get ahead of my wife and family.”  Putting his head in his hands, the weeping overwhelmed him.

While he cried, I was working on my surprise.  My text that I sent when he had arrived had been to Elaine to get online about half-an-hour after we started.  She was waiting, and I added her to our online call.  She heard his crying and his last comments.  She said nothing - just watched as her husband cried.  And, I could tell, she was crying too - very softly!!

Devon looked up at the screen and saw Elaine and me.  At first, he was shocked. 

He asked Elaine “How long have you been online?”

She answered softly “Long enough to know I love you so very much.” She too paused and added, “Long enough to know I love you to the moon and back, you big galoot!!.”

I sat silent as the two looked at each other - almost like lovers who have been apart for a while.

Two - maybe three - minutes they looked at each other.  I backed out of the range of my computer camera - but so I could still see the screen.  I knew I had broken through when a big grin came over Devon’s face and they started to talk.

Devon went first “I am so sorry, I am so sorry.  How could I put work ahead of you?  We could be broke and living in a one-room cabin, and I would still love you.  I was so wrong.”

Elaine listened to Devon.

He continued “Honey, I’m going to drop the football coaching- the district can find somebody else to do it. And, I’m going to talk with Dan Reierson about the assistant principal job.  I know my priorities were so wrong.”

She just listened.  I sensed she was taking this all in.  He wasn’t being toxic as she thought, he had forgotten “his first love”.

*****

Epilogue - Devon finished the football season as an assistant coach, and on their first free weekend after the season, they went to Minneapolis.  Dan Reierson, the school district superintendent, was understanding about getting priorities straight.  He even shared with Devon some of his struggles - and that helped.  

Devon was a changed man.  His family came first.  He found time to throw the football around with Chad; he got down on the floor and had tea parties and played Barbie with Tamra.  And … he loved Elaine, completely!!!

*****

There we are!!

Have an amazing Saturday!!!

LOVE WINS!!!

HUGS!!

Karen