MONDAY, JULY 12, 2021 Relationships I

 MONDAY, JULY 12, 2021 Relationships I

This week I’m going to tackle a tough question - relationships.  As my coaching business is growing, I need to educate myself on relationships.  I really want to work on estranged relationships.  

I know too many people whose family has separated, who haven’t talked to a parent - or a brother - or a sister - or a child - or grandchild because of being ‘estranged’.  

Let’s start with an example. 

Example 1:  My friend John never knew his paternal grandfather (or so he thought).  As he was a toddler, an older gentleman came to their house and his dad and the gentleman went into the dining room and had a cup of coffee together.  His mother told the children not to interrupt their time together.  Maybe an hour later, the older man left, although as they went to the door, his dad pointed out the family to him - “That’s Michael, the oldest, he is in fifth grade, then Shirley, in second grade”, and down through me “And, John at three years old in the green shirt”.  

Many years later, Michael told me that was Dad’s Dad - that is - he was their grandpa.   To this day John is not sure why he wasn’t introduced as ‘Grandpa” to family and why they never saw him again.  John commented, “I would have liked to know him.”

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Example 2.  Another friend, Bonnie, had three children, a boy and two girls.  The boy, Charles, was older and wasn’t a problem, but the two girls were three years apart in age.  From what she had told me, the younger girl (Kristen), always was in a competition with Mary, the oldest girl.  As they got to high school and college, it seemed as if Kristen pushed herself hard to get better grades than Mary.  Mary married a doctor, and Kristen had to marry another doctor with a speciality in cancer treatment.  About six years ago, somehow the two got crossways and Kristien doesn’t talk to Mary, and Mary doesn’t talk to Kristen - no Christmas Cards, no emails, texts or communication.  Separated - estranged - from each other.

I think you might know of similar stories - maybe even in your family, or in your relationships.  That for some reason two siblings have a falling out and for years (or forever) never make up.

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Let’s look at some definitions.

RELATIONSHIP DEFINITION:

the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.

the state of being connected by blood or marriage.

ESTRANGEMENT DEFINITION

the fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group.’

the fact of no longer living with one's spouse; separation.

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Life is built on relationships.  Husband and wife; mother and child; father and child; teacher with student; student with student; and many more.  Some relationships are closer and stronger (normally).  A husband and wife should (better?) have a better relationship than a shopper and a check-out clerk.  

“Research has shown that the better the quality of your relationships, the more likely you are to be happy. So, being a great friend to someone and having friends support your back is good for your wellbeing.”

Going back to one of my big themes - GIGO - Garbage In, Garbage Out.  Although that is a computer concept (if you have inputted bad data, the data coming out will be back).  But with relationships, make quality friends.  We all have friends - but some are in the more casual category.  (For me, my bridge friends are great, and some are closer than others).

But sometimes we can get ‘sideways’ with our friends.  Maybe you are a Republican and they are Democrats? Maybe you are a conservative Baptist in belief and they don’t go to church or have much of a faith background.  

Someplace, somehow, a word that might have been misinterpreted or an action divides us - and instead of being friends, we avoid each other.  If we have to be in the same place at the same time, we can be cordial to each other “How are you doing, Emily”, “Just fine, Karen” - but that spark of shared experiences has gone out.  

Maybe one will try to reestablish the friendship “Hey Emily, can we have coffee sometime?”; “I’d like to Karen, but I’m just too busy for the next month - maybe down the line” (which is informal for ‘never’).  We have become “estranged” - or from the definition “the fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group.’

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Okay - a personal aside.  I like working with people.  If you read this blog on occasion, you see me say “Love Wins”. I use a Dorothy Day quote “I can only love God as much as the person I love the least”.  I am trying not to hate.  

Continuing in that vein, I am pursuing “life coaching”.  Last week, I put that ahead with five online seminars.  One of the seminars suggested that we can be generalists like the family doctor, or we can be specialists - like a cancer doctor.  That speaker suggested becoming a specialist.  That struck a chord with me, and thus this week, I’m going to be trying out “relationship coaching”, and even more specific “family estrangement coaching”.  I’d like to have Grandparents (like John’s grandpa in the first example) know their families and have a positive relationship.  Or the two sisters who grew up in the same household coming to the knowledge that they do love each other and stop being competitors and start being real sisters from the second example.

Yes, LOVE WINS!!!

HUGS!!

Karen