SATURDAY JULY 17, 2021 - SATURDAY STORY

 SATURDAY JULY 17, 2021 - SATURDAY STORY

In keeping with my theme this week, a story of reconciliation and healing (maybe)

Patty Collins HATED her father. It wasn’t from physical abuse, but from verbal abuse.  “You’re a loser”, “You’ll never do anything right”, “

Her brother got all the praise “What a great report card son”, “I’m proud of you”.  But nothing positive for Patty - unless you consider the backhand compliments “Not bad” (followed by an implied “but not good enough”).  

When she got engaged, he didn’t say “congratulations”, but he said “about time”.  Then comments like “You're lucky to get somebody to marry you”.  When she and Robert got married, her father seemed to like Robert.  It almost seemed like he was happy somebody took Patty off his hands.

Her mother was meek.  Patty had heard his comments to her mother “What did you do this time, woman?” Where the inflection seemed to indicate that she never did anything right.  

When Jonathan was born, Dad and Mom came to visit them, but Dad played with the baby.  When Jonathan was a toddler, Dad let Jonathan ride him on horsey-rides, or piggyback rides.  When they showed up for a visit, Dad pushed by Robert and Patty to see “HIS” grandson.  

It was hard for Patty to cry when her dad had a heart attack and died at age 57.  “Good riddance” was her unspoken thought.  

The verbal abuse rang in her eyes almost every day of her life.  “You’ll never be any good”, although she had been recognized as a good medical imaging technician.  As she arrived at the Seton Medical center and got out of her car, it was like she put on a new persona - the happy, helpful, caring, medical imaging tech persona.  She kidded with her patients about their CT scans or MRIs.  She had gotten promoted a few times while her father was still alive and gotten the Seton quality award.  Her mother hugged her and whispered (outside of earshot of her father) “I’m so proud of you, Patty”).  But, nothing positive from her dad.

Shortly after her father’s death, she decided to see a counselor.  Lacy Frazee was kind and positive.  As they visited, Patty shared about her hatred of her father.  Lacy listened carefully as Patty shared the hurts and putdowns given by her father.  Patty could see the concern on Lacy’s face.  

One day a few months later, Lacy asked Patty about her grandparents - and in particular her paternal grandfather.  She hadn’t really known her dad’s father well.  They had retired to Arizona and rarely made it back to Wisconsin.  She barely remembered her paternal grandfather.  Her paternal grandmother was sweet and pleasant, but grandpa?  She didn’t remember being hugged by either her paternal grandfather or her dad.  

Lacy reflected on Patty’s comments for a few minutes.  Then Lacy asked Patty “Could it be that your dad patterned his life on his father’s life?:

Patty hadn’t thought of that before.  She began slowly “Maybe”.  

After a second she continued “I understand the concepts of ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’ - we develop based on our family but also on our environment.”

Lacy sensed that Patty was not done, so she waited her out.  “Maybe my dad was like his dad - women should be seen and not heard”.  She pulled in a long breath “maybe my dad was just like his dad in that regard.”

Lacy waited and said “And …”

Patty reflected, “And, in his own way, his praise for my brother was just setting the norm for relationships with men, and his ignoring and verbally abusing me was setting the norm for his relationship for women.”

Lacy smiled “Does that help you?”

Patty felt like she had an epiphany “YES”.  

*****

As she left the session that day, Patty sat in her car - praying for her dad, and herself.  “Lord, I’m sorry I judged my dad so negatively.  Help me to remember the good times, the awkward times, and focus on what was happening in his life and heart”.  

*****

Patty had turned a corner.  She had found that love does win.  How could she hate her dad - he was just a product of his dad, and his environment.  

*****

It took a couple of weeks more for her to know the inner peace from forgiveness. She put Robert and her wedding picture with her parents back on her bookshelf. She looked at the picture and said to herself "We all have problems and struggles, and Dad, I can understand your struggles too - thank you for being my dad."

********************

Yes, another Pollyanna story.  Do you have people in your life who have hurt you?  What was your relationship with your parents?  How do you view others?  

LOVE WINS!!

Karen