WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 2021 - RELATIONSHIPS / RECONCILIATION

 WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 2021 - RELATIONSHIPS / RECONCILIATION

First a qualification.  Reconciliation with a family member or with a friend requires that both of you reconcile.  It might be that you really want to “kiss and make-up” with the other person, but that other person might not want to reconcile with you.  My personal bias is that if you extend your hand in friendship and seek reconciliation, it might not come quickly, but some day (it might be years), it will happen - but the other person has to drop their grudge against you and be willing to forgive and forget.

This story comes from a few years back.  A friend had gotten divorced and he wanted to restore a relationship with a couple he knew from his church (after all, Christians are to “love one another”, and the first summary of the law is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself (or love your friend as yourself).  

The friend contacted the couple by mail.  “I really appreciate you and would like to maintain our friendships” - and no response.  Then by phone “Hi friends!!  Did you get my note about keeping you as friends? I really appreciate you”.    (No response)

As I understand it, the couple (particularly the lady of the couple) had decided the man was the guilty party in the divorce and therefore had judged him as not being worthy of making up with the person (aka “shunning” him - avoiding him).

The lady said “I don’t think we are ready to be friends again” (or something similar).

For the next few years, the man sent Christmas Cards and tried to rebuild the relationship, but the lady was adamant that the man was not to be trusted or forgiven, and didn’t reply.  

Eventually, the man stopped sending the cards and stopped seeking reconciliation.  And, the lady kept her thoughts about the man being unworthy of their friendship.  

*****

Was “was the woman playing God?”  On the surface, the man wanted reconciliation, wanted to restore a relationship.  It didn’t have to be a close relationship, but friendship, and the couple (lady), thought that to restore the relationship might mean that she would possibly offend the divorced wife - and that the man was a jerk and not worthy.

There may be people that I don’t want to have a deep relationship with.  The serial killer who shot up a school and killed fifty people might not be a person I want to befriend.  But, maybe I do need to be a friend to this person?  Maybe the person (who I would assume is in jail), needs a friend to stop by the jail/prison once a month to say ‘hi’.  Forgiveness can be tough for a serial killer; and in the example, forgiveness can be tough for a divorced man who you feel hurt your friend in the divorce process.  

I am sure glad, I am not like that person!!  I’m sure glad I never make missteaks!!  (Okay, I do make missteaks - and I am not perfect - far from it).  (spelling error is intentional!!).  If we look at scripture we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God - every one of us.  (I do try to limit my daily mistakes to under 1000!!! <grin>)

I’m not saying we need to give a person that we can’t trust a loan, or buy that person a car, but simple human kindness says “if you can be anything, be nice”.  I don’t have to ask the person to come to my house for Christmas, but I can still be friends.  

It is that way with reconciliation (in my opinion).  Is it going to cost me anything to be nice to a friend?  Is it going to cost me anything to hate my neighbor, or hate my spouse, or hate somebody who divorced his spouse, or to hate a child who has put a barrier up between us? 

Psychologists say that carrying a grudge can hurt more than the original offense.

“Additionally, if you ultimately exaggerate the experience or issue in your mind, which is fairly common, the act of holding the grudge may even become more painful than the event itself. And sadly, this is a self-inflicted wound that will likely just make you feel worse.” 

The Mayo Clinic online version stated: “When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.”

Mayo Clinic goes on to say: 

“What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might:

Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience

Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present

Become depressed or anxious

Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs

Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others”

(I remember holding grudges in the past - and it was stupid in my opinion!!!)

Don’t self-wound yourself in this situation - love wins, love one another, forgive.  

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you”.  

(But - I’m trying to teach that person a lesson about divorce, or unfaithfulness, or <whatever>, and I can only teach that lesson through hate.  The old adage is you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  (and, you can sleep at night knowing you tried to reconcile!!)

Yes - love wins!!  (keep repeating to yourself - I repeat it to myself every day - multiple times!!!)

HUGS!!

Karen